


this love won't break your heart

by iwasfollowingyou



Category: The West Wing
Genre: American Politics, Everyone Is Gay, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, and to be fair so is sam, bisexual sam seaborn, but the administration is very gay, but yeah josh PINES, cishets? in MY bartlet administration? i think not, fuck a canon ho, gay josh lyman, i forgot to add that at first, josh and sam deserved to be in love, josh is a goddamn idiot, they're both idiots and they're in love, well not EVERYONE is gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-10-15 19:13:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 73,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17534570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwasfollowingyou/pseuds/iwasfollowingyou
Summary: It felt like, when he was with Sam, some of the pressure of the world lessened. He was more himself around Sam than he had ever been around anyone else. In the midst of the mess that was Josh’s life, Sam was a solid foundation, a constant, reassuring presence.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a couple of disclaimers:
> 
> 1) I started writing this way back when I first started watching ww, so pretty much the only major plot point that appears in this fic is rosslyn (i.e. no MS scandal)  
> 2) this was originally supposed to be a cute quick 5+1 format but I couldn't leave it as just that so I started filling in the gaps and before I knew it this thing was 9 chapters and 60k words. oops?  
> 3) pretty much every secondary character (and every single congressman) is made up because i'm too lazy to care about canon when it comes to them so i just picked a bunch of random names and ran with it
> 
> also if you want to listen to the samjosh playlist I had on repeat the entire time I was writing this, [here you go](https://open.spotify.com/user/kd4igcavefa9zal278oow8pnn/playlist/772HmM0ml1ohq5xL2yti2O?si=OCq43OycQsaKhr6kcAmrzw)
> 
> the title of this fic comes from "this love won't break your heart" by annalise emerick (it's on the samjosh playlist)

The thoughts began when he was in high school. They had been creeping in on the edges of his mind for a few years, but didn’t fully manifest until junior prom, when Amy Sola had tried to kiss him, drunk in a corner of a crowded party, and Josh had almost puked all over her dress. The same night that Josh found himself staring at Roger Goodfell and found himself jealous, not of Roger, but of Roger’s _date_. The same night Josh left the party before everyone else, locked himself in his bathroom, and cried his eyes out beneath the sound of the shower running. The first night the word _gay_ had entered his mind. Then _homosexual, fairy, queer_ , and worse things he heard shouted through the school hallways. Over and over again, throughout the rest of high school into college and beyond, he found himself standing beneath a burning shower, nails digging into his palms and leaving crescent-shaped marks in the skin. Desperately trying to shove the thoughts away, trying to fix himself, trying to make himself normal. Going out with women, hooking up with women, covering his pain with a smile whenever his parents asked him when he was going to bring a girl home to meet them. Years and years of failed relationships, of girlfriends asking _what is wrong with you?_ and Josh never having an answer, not one he could tell them without wanting to empty the contents of his stomach onto the floor.

It was always Noah’s voice in his head. Not his own, not when it came to these particular thoughts. It was Noah, telling him how disappointed and ashamed he was. How disgusting it was that his son, his prodigy, was a _faggot_. Internally, the word was spat with a specific kind of venom. It haunted Josh’s thoughts, made him feel dirty, made him want to destroy that part of him until there was nothing left of it, nothing left to make his family ashamed of him. Not that Noah had ever known, would ever have known, even if he was still around. It was the darkest part of Josh, buried underneath every other aspect of himself, something to be ashamed of threatening to rise to the surface. When the thoughts came, Josh couldn’t do much more than try to push them to the side and move on with his life.

Lately, they had been getting to him more than usual. Knowing how hard they were fighting on the issue of gays in the military made it even worse. Josh had never served, was now too old to for enlistment, would never be affected by Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. But he knew others were. He knew the statistics, had read Sam’s files. He knew how the legislation affected people like — well, people like him. He knew this administration wanted to help, but the military officials wouldn’t budge, and neither would the American public.

The scathing voice in the back of his mind refused to shut up. He knew the world didn’t care about people like him; he didn’t need the constant reminders. He knew the world didn’t care if he suffered, if he hated himself, if God forbid one day he put a bullet in his mouth. They didn’t care. He tried to pretend it didn’t hurt him as badly as it did. He tried to pretend the self-hatred he harbored was rooted in a million other reasons. He tried to pretend he was normal.

Sam was in yet another meeting with the same military personnel that had refused to make a change for the past three months. They hadn’t listened before, they weren’t listening now, and they wouldn’t listen in the future. It was all but a lost cause, but Sam refused to accept that. It was comforting, but only slightly. A tiny relief that even in the midst of the mess of the world, there was someone close to him that maybe, just maybe, wouldn’t want to burn Josh at the stake. Maybe would be accepting. Maybe would care more about Josh’s feelings than his feelings for men, be able to push past the discomfort. Maybe he wouldn’t even mind that for the past five years it had been _Sam_ creeping into Josh’s thoughts, all bright blue eyes and soft smiles and warm skin. Josh let out a long, deep breath and rested his head on the cool wood of his desk.

“Josh?” Donna was at the door. “You have senior staff in the Oval in five minutes.”

“Yeah, thanks, Donna.”

“You need anything? You look like hell.”

“Thank you so much. I know I’m stunning.” He lifted his head. “Cup of coffee?” She nodded and left to go get it for him. He twisted in his chair until he heard his spine pop, then stood up. Sam was bound to be all wound up, as he usually was after these meetings, and Josh wanted to be at least semi-prepared to engage in discussion despite the headache creeping up in the back of his mind where his thoughts were bouncing around like tennis balls. He accepted the cup of coffee offered by Donna when he left his office and headed towards the Oval. CJ caught up with him and they walked together.

Sam, Toby, Leo, and the President were already waiting. Leo and Bartlet each sat in one of the armchairs and Toby in the corner of the couch closest to Bartlet. He was very pointedly not looking at Sam, who was pacing back and forth between the two couches, muttering to himself. Bartlet nodding in greeting to Josh and CJ, who both took their places on the couch opposite Toby.

“Alright then, let’s get going. Sam, I think you should probably start before you wear out the carpet,” Bartlet said. Sam ceased his pacing and turned to face the President.

“Sir, all due respect, we have to do something about this. None of the commanders are going to do anything to change the enforcement of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Congress doesn’t care, clearly. It has to be the White House.”

“That may not be the best strategy, Sam,” Leo responded. “I know how much this issue means to you, and you know I care about it, too. But taking a strong stance on gay rights might not be the smartest move at the moment. Most of the country doesn’t want anything to do with it, and Congress isn’t exactly jumping at the idea of allowing gay people to serve openly in the military.”

Josh could tell Sam was frustrated but trying not to show it, worried about looking disrespectful in front of Leo and Bartlet. He ran a hand through his hair, causing a few pieces to fall out of place. He looked, to put it kindly, like a hot mess, jacket long gone, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, shirt half untucked, and tie loosened around his neck. It was like he had walked through a hurricane to get to the Oval Office that morning. Josh realized he might be staring and dragged his gaze away, focusing instead on Bartlet.

“Commie liberals are supposed to care about the gays, Leo,” the President was saying. “The country knew about my stance on gay rights when they elected me.” He looked at Leo with an expression that Josh couldn’t read. Josh shook his head, figuring he was too tired for this. He took another sip of coffee.

“That may be true, sir, but you’ve never publicly spoken out against DADT. It’s generally known that you disagree with it, but they certainly don’t expect you to actually _change_ it.”

“Don’t you think it’s about time I fulfill what I said I was going to do during the campaign?”

“With a Republican Congress—”

“Oh, screw the Republicans.” Bartlet waved his hand. “They’re going to hate me no matter what I do. Shouldn’t I give them an actual reason?”

CJ cleared her throat. “I got a question today about a gay soldier who committed suicide. Voluntary discharge, went home, two months later he put a bullet through his head. The press wants to know more. They want to know if someone’s death is going to make us take action on this.”

Silence fell across the room. Josh stared at the floor between his shoes, tracing the pattern of the carpet with his eyes. He hadn’t known about that. He didn’t think he _wanted_ to know about that. He clenched his fist, and his fingernails dug into his palm, following the faint line of his scar.

“What did you tell them?” asked Leo.

“That we send our condolences to his family.”

“They had to have asked for more than that.”

“I ended it right after that question to come here.”

Bartlet was nodding thoughtfully. Sam laughed humorlessly. “So now a man is dead, because of this legislation, and we’re still going to do nothing?”

“We’re not going to do _nothing_ , Sam,” Toby said. “We just can’t tell them we’re going to do anything until we know for sure what our next move is.”

“A man is dead, Toby. Because of us!”

“Not because of us—”

“Yes, because of us! Because we had the numbers, we knew how this is affecting people, and we haven’t done a damn thing to change it.” He shook his head. “We need to do something.”

“Josh, you’ve been awfully quiet so far,” Leo said. Josh looked up and shrugged.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say. We do nothing, stuff like this keeps happening. We do something, we risk pissing off Congress, the military, and the American public.” Based on Sam’s indignant huff, he knew it wasn’t the answer his friend had been hoping for. “Clearly Sam’s meetings are going nowhere. If we are going to do anything, we need a new strategy.”

The thoughts were returning, threatening to shove their way to the front of his mind, and he fixed his gaze back down onto his coffee, willing it to perk him up even the slightest amount.

“We’ll work on it, Sam,” Leo said, gentler now. “But we don’t want to make any rash decisions. We’ll work on it.”

Sam certainly wasn’t happy with it, but he nodded in reluctant agreement and sat down next to Toby. The rest of the meeting proceeded about as smoothly as a senior staff meeting could. Once Bartlet dismissed them, Sam headed straight for the door. Josh glanced around at the rest of the group, none of whom was paying any attention anymore, and followed Sam out the door. Sam was walking briskly, his back straight up and fists clenched at his sides.

“Sam!” Josh called after him. Sam slowed momentarily but sped up just as quickly. “Sam, seriously!” Josh broke into a jog. His shoulder collided with some poor intern, who dropped the papers in his hands. Josh threw a quick apology over his shoulder but kept moving. Sam was making a beeline to his office, and Josh knew he would lock the door if he wasn’t stopped before he got there. He sped up a bit more and managed to grab Sam’s shoulder just before he reached the doorway. “Sam, c’mon.”

Sam turned to look at him, shrugging Josh’s hand off of him. Josh tried not to look hurt. “What, Josh? What do you have to say?”

“Can we talk in your office?” Several people had their eyes on them, and he had no desire for such a public conversation. Sam clenched his jaw and nodded, allowing Josh to follow him into the office and shut the door behind them. He faced Josh, sitting back against his desk.

“I have work to do, Josh. What do you want?”

“Why do you care so much, Sam?” He didn’t mean to sound so accusatory, but he couldn’t help it once the words were out of his mouth. “Even if it wasn’t such a controversial subject, you know we can’t just fix it ourselves. We need at least a hint of congressional support, and somehow we need to convince the military themselves that a gay man isn’t going to disrupt their ranks so much we lose some bullshit war.”

Sam’s eyebrows seemed to be permanently furrowed that day. Josh’s mom would tell him that if he kept making that face it would stay that way, but he guessed that this wasn’t a good time to joke. “I care because it’s an issue that matters, Josh. We didn’t have the support we wanted to act on gun control, and we did anyway! Why is this any different?”

“The gun issue is killing people. For God’s sake, it almost killed the President.” The _and me_ went unsaid, but it hung in the air between them. He knew it was just in his head when his chest started aching, a dull pain just below his heart, but he reached for it anyway, clutching his shirt and willing it away.

Sam stared at him for a moment, like he was just now remembering what had happened to Josh a year before. His eyes trailed down to Josh’s chest, and Josh felt like he was standing there naked, with how intently Sam was studying him. He dropped his hands to his sides.

“Josh—”

“Don’t. Just forget it, okay? Forget it.”

“This is killing people, too,” Sam continued softly. “You heard what CJ said. And everyone knows where Bartlet stands on gay rights, but he hasn’t done anything since he entered office. How many more dead soldiers is it going to take before we do something?”

“We’re going to work on it. You heard Leo. Something is going to get done. Eventually.” He chewed his bottom lip. “I don’t get why you’re pushing so hard on this. It’s not like it affects you. It’s just something else for Republicans and Democrats to fight about.”

If Sam’s face seemed a little pale after that comment, he had to have been imagining it. He was pretty certain he was imagining it when Sam swallowed a bit harder than normal, too.

“I’m — I have friends that are gay, Josh. Guys I’ve known for years that are being treated by this government like they’re less than everyone else! Guys who would love to serve their country but _can’t_ because some asshole in command decided he’s uncomfortable with it! They’re being treated like they’re some lesser class of human. It’s not just about the military, either. If they can ban them from the military, what happens next? They’re going to keep pushing to see how far they can take it.” He took a deep, shaky breath. His voice was calmer when he spoke again. “It’s bullshit. These are real people. They all treat it like a hypothetical situation, but it — it affects real people.”

Josh ran a hand through his hair and nodded. “Okay, okay, I get it. I’m sorry I didn’t take your side in there, but I didn’t want to push it, okay? I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, fine. It’s whatever.”

Josh turned to the door and reached for the handle, before he heard a quiet “ _wait_ ” from behind him. He faced Sam again. He looked nervous, biting his lip and tapping his fingers rhythmically on his desk. Josh stood silently, his hand still on the door handle.

“It would affect me. If I ever had to enlist. It would’ve. And it’s not fair, Josh. It isn’t fair that these people — people who are volunteering to put down their lives for this nation — are being treated like this because of who they love. It’s not fair that I have a job in the goddamn White House, right down the hall from the President of the United States, and I can’t do jack shit about it. It’s not fair that people are being fired, that they’re killing themselves, because of legislation that we have the power to fix!”

“Sam, I don’t understand—”

“I’m bisexual, Josh.” He smacked his hand against the desk. “Is that what you wanted to hear? That I’m queer? Because I am, and I’m not ashamed of it, but the government is! I care so much about these people because they could have been me. Because they deserve better than an administration that puts on a big facade but doesn’t actually give a shit about them.”

Josh could feel the blood drain from his face. He tried to speak, but nothing came out. Sam looked up at him, bright eyes burning with anger and fear and a million other emotions, and shook his head. Josh stared at him. Sam, who cared so much about everyone, who never let an issue go undiscussed, who took the role of serving the people more seriously than anyone Josh had ever known. Sam, who had come crashing into his life like a meteor, tearing up everything Josh had built around himself and leaving the wreckage burning, but somehow never destroyed him. The smoldering remains of his walls, still untouched by anyone else, didn’t faze Sam in the slightest. He stepped over them or around them no matter how hard Josh pushed back. Sam, who knew Josh better than anyone he had ever known. Sam, who he shared all of his secrets but one with. Sam, who he would travel to the ends of the earth and farther for. Sam, who was bisexual.

Sam, who was _like him_.

A million thoughts raced through his head, but he couldn’t figure out how to form them into sentences. He could see Sam trying to read his expression, but Josh himself didn’t know what he was feeling.

“Just get out, Josh, please. I have work to do.” He straightened up and turned his back to Josh, who couldn’t say anything no matter how desperately he was trying to find the words. Trying so hard to force himself to say _me, too_. But he couldn’t. Instead, he turned on his heel and left Sam alone in the silent office.

———

Josh spotted Joey across a crowd of people and made his way towards her. He called Kenny’s name, and Kenny tapped her on the shoulder and signed something. Joey looked up and smiled, waving at Josh. As he approached, he reached out for a handshake, but she pulled him in for a hug instead. He shook Kenny’s hand.

“How was the flight?”

As Joey signed, Kenny translated. “Good. Bumpy. Why are you here?”

“I thought I would come and pick you up at the airport.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a nice guy.” Joey raised an eyebrow but didn’t argue. They walked together to the car waiting outside, Josh and Kenny making pleasant conversation. Josh turned to address Joey, waving his hand to get her full attention. “We’re going straight to the White House. We have a meeting with Leo as soon as we get there, then a full senior staff meeting later on that you’ll be in on.” Joey nodded and signed _OK_.

The meeting with Leo was, luckily, quick and easy. He asked Joey about some recent west coast polling, and discussed possibilities for running some more numbers in the Midwest and south. Since the first time Joey had barged angrily into Josh’s office, everyone had become a lot more comfortable with her, and it was obvious that Leo had a soft spot for her. It made Josh a little jealous. Joey was _his_ friend, after all. At least he hoped she considered them friends. They returned to Josh’s office.

“Are you hungry?” he asked. “I can have Donna get us some lunch.”

Joey nodded. “Sure. I could go for a burger,” Kenny said for her, then added, “And I’ll have a turkey sandwich.” Josh relayed the order to Donna and settled in at his desk. Joey and Kenny sat down in the chairs across from him.

Josh liked hearing Joey talk about the numbers of politics. He enjoyed the debate and the legislative moves and such, but Joey’s role in it all was interesting to him, mostly due to the fact that he didn’t fully understand everything she did. It was nice, though, because he wasn’t expected to understand. And she did such a great job with explaining her polling that even Josh got it. Plus, when Joey’s numbers were on his side, it made his job a whole lot easier. He was grateful that they had Joey on their team. They spent some time discussing polling more in depth, and Joey explained some of her projections for results in different regions.

“You’re kind of a freaky genius, you know that?”

“Yes,” she said, a prideful expression on her face. Josh couldn’t help but smile. Donna knocked on the door, holding a tray of food. She handed everyone’s meals out to them and disappeared again, closing the door behind her.

Joey signed something, Kenny spoke. “She likes you, you know.”

“Sorry?”

“Donna. She has a crush on you.”

“ _Donna?_ Don’t be ridiculous.” He laughed, but Joey seemed serious. “That’s gross. Donna’s like my little sister. Besides, I’m…” He trailed off. Maybe, by some miracle, neither Kenny nor Joey would notice, but it was obvious when Kenny’s hands dropped mid-sign that it had been obvious that Josh had meant to say something else.

“You’re what?”

He didn’t dare complete the sentence. He wasn’t about to tell Joey Lucas he was _gay_. He wasn’t ready for anyone to know, much less a woman he had tried to force himself to have feelings for in the past. Secretly, he was glad that Joey had never seemed to return the feelings — he couldn’t imagine how fucking confused he would have been if that had been the case. His mind began to wander, thoughts leading him down a path where he mustered up the strength to say “ _I’m gay_ ” without wanting to claw his throat out, curl into a ball, and hide from the world for the rest of his life. Where Joey would smile and nod and ask _So, who is he?_ and Josh could talk and talk and talk about Sam, about how Sam was so pretty and genuine and _bisexual_ , so maybe, just maybe, he had a shot, a minuscule shot, with him. Where he didn’t have to be afraid of his feelings and he could talk about Sam the same way Donna talked about the men she went out with.

“Nothing. Anyway, there’s no way Donna has a crush on me. I think you’re just projecting.” He smirked, and Joey rolled her eyes.

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“You didn’t come to D.C. to bully me, did you? We have a meeting to go to.”

“I didn’t come _specifically_ to bully you, but it’s a nice addition to the trip.”

“I’m sure. Remind me why I keep inviting you back?”

“Because you’re stupid and you need my expertise.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “You know, I would be angry, but you’re not exactly wrong.”

“I know I’m not.”

They gathered their things and made their way to the Oval Office. Charlie greeted them as usual, shaking Joey and Kenny’s hands. One of the generals was leaving the office, and he nodded to the group before continuing on his way. Josh silently wondered what he had been meeting with the President about, but figured that if he needed to know, Bartlet or Leo would tell him, and they certainly wouldn’t disclose any information while Joey and Kenny were around.

“Good afternoon, Mr. President,” Josh said as they walked inside. Bartlet took off his glasses and set them on his desk, standing up to greet them.

“Ms. Lucas, always a pleasure,” he said, smiling warmly.

Joey nodded. “Good to see you, sir.”

The rest of the staff joined them, and they took their seats. Josh looked over at Sam, who caught his glance for half a second, but looked away before Josh could even smile. Josh furrowed his eyebrows, confused. Sam only ever acted like that towards him when he was in a terrible mood or preoccupied with worrying about the fate of the world. Josh tried to push it aside and focus on the meeting, but he kept looking over. Sam refused to meet his eyes.

After the meeting, Joey and Kenny left to go see somebody up on the Hill. Once they were gone, Josh headed to the communications bullpen. Sam’s door was closed. He knocked but received no response. Josh leaned into Toby’s doorway.

“Is Sam around?”

Toby looked up. “Don’t think so. I think he had some meeting to get to. What do you need him for?”

“Nothing. It’s fine.” He shrugged. “Did you see the news about the Georgia rep’s press conference tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I’m not worried about it.”

“He’s gonna mention something about the Defense of Marriage Act.” Not that he cared, of course. He just needed Toby to be updated. It wasn’t a big deal. Josh didn’t care about the fact that he would perhaps never be legally allowed to get married (the way his life was going, though, it wouldn’t be a problem). He cleared his throat and pushed away the thoughts.

Toby groaned. “Again? You know that for sure?”

“I’m pretty certain. That’s what it sounds like.”

“Don’t they ever get tired of gay bashing?”

“Nope. It’s one of Briggs’ favorite activities. I think it gives him some kind of high.” Josh shrugged. “Are we gonna have a response?”

“I’ll start working on something, but I’ll have to wait to see what he says about it before I have a final statement. Mention it to CJ, would you? They’ll probably ask her about it in the briefings before we have a chance to put something out.”

“Got it. See you later.” He turned around, casting one last glance over his shoulder at Sam’s door before leaving.

———

Sam still wouldn’t look at him. It had been two weeks since the incident in his office, and he had somehow managed to avoid contact with Josh at all costs — he wouldn’t speak up in meetings if Josh was in the room, sent assistants or left messages with Donna if he needed something, but never once did he say a word to Josh. Josh was getting sick of it. He wasn’t even sure why Sam was acting the way he was, and it was starting to impact their work, which was good for absolutely no one. And the people farther up the chain were beginning to notice.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you and Sam, and frankly, I don’t care.” Leo smacked his hand on his desk. “But for God’s sake, Josh, could you work it out? We can’t exactly make policy decisions when two members of my staff are refusing to speak to each other.”

Josh clasped his hands behind his back, staring at the floor. “Leo, I swear it’s not me this time. _He’s_ pissed at _me_. I’ve been nothing but polite this entire time.”

“Clearly that’s not the case. God knows what you did to piss off Sam Seaborn, but at least it’s you and not me. I never want to be the one to get on Sam’s bad side. And would you stop looking like a third grader getting yelled at for pulling someone’s hair?” Josh looked up. “Whatever is going on with you two, fix it. I’m not here to babysit you.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Leo.” He walked out Leo’s office and returned to his own. “Donna.”

“Yes?”

“Would you send a message over to Sam? Tell him I need to see him at some point today.” He paused halfway through the doorway and turned around. “And don’t let him send an assistant. I want him. He doesn’t have a choice.” Donna nodded and picked up the phone.

Josh sighed, collapsing into his desk chair. Sam had never held out this long against him. They had come close, once, when Sam had shit-talked the Mets and Josh shot back with something extremely insulting about Princeton, and they hadn’t spoken for almost a week. But that had been long before they were part of the senior staff of the White House. Now their petty arguments affected more than just them.

Josh wasn’t even sure what he had done wrong to get Sam this pissed. Maybe had pushed a little too far, sure, but Sam was the one who chose to come out. The confession had hit Josh like a freight train, and his mind was still reeling whenever he dared think about it. Sam. _His_ Sam. Bisexual. He never would have seen it coming, but in the back of his mind, he wondered why not. The more he considered it, the more it made sense. Sam had no trouble with women, that was for sure, and he was good looking enough that men were interested in him too. Josh knew that from experience — every time they went out to bars together, Sam had to fend off several potential hookups. A few men had probably slipped into the mix at some point. A hot flash of jealousy shot through Josh’s chest when he thought about that. But Sam had never mentioned being into men. _No, of course not, dumbass, he’s a federal employee with an office seventy feet from the President. Of course he wouldn’t._ But still. Now that Josh was allowing himself to explore the idea, he decided that Sam Seaborn was just too goddamn pretty to be straight. When his mind started wandering to what Sam’s type might be, he finally snapped himself out of it and grabbed a folder off the stack on his desk to get to work on something, anything to distract him.

—

“Josh.” Donna knocked on the doorframe. “Sam’s here.” Josh snapped the binder he had been reading shut and straightened up in his chair.

“Yeah, thanks, Donna.”

Sam walked into the office. He kept his gaze stubbornly away from Josh, flicking around the room but refusing to make eye contact. He looked nearly as put together as he usually did, at least to most onlookers, but Josh knew him well enough to notice the slight dark circles under his eyes and the fact that his hair wasn’t quite so neatly styled as usual.

“Why don’t we go talk somewhere else?” Josh suggested. The walls of his office weren’t the thickest in the world, and he didn’t want to risk anyone overhearing, even Donna. Sam shrugged, but didn’t seem to disagree, so Josh got up and led the way out of his office. Sam trailed behind with his hands in his pockets.

Josh found them an abandoned room in the basement. It was full of boxes of files, but clearly, no one had been there in a while. It would do. He closed the door and turned to face Sam, who was leaning against an old desk, shoulders hunched forward and eyes still on the floor.

“Sam.” Nothing. “Sam, seriously. Can you quit it with the silent treatment for five minutes?”

“What?”

He tried not to react too strongly. It was one word, a single syllable, but it was more than he had gotten out of Sam in two weeks. He had missed his voice. Josh sighed. “Leo is getting concerned. I don’t care if you hate me, Sam, because if you do then I admit I probably deserve it, but you gotta _talk_ to me. I’m not going to let you mess up everyone’s work just because you’re pissed at me. That looks bad for both of us.”

Sam laughed humorlessly. “Josh, I know you’re not this stupid.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You think I _hate_ you?”

“The evidence seems to suggest it!” He threw his hands up. “You haven’t spoken to me — haven’t even _looked_ at me — in weeks!”

“Well, you haven’t exactly made an effort either.”

“Me?” He shook his head incredulously. “I’ve been acting completely normal! You’re the one who keeps skipping meetings the second you find out I’m going to be there, too. Toby can’t do all of this by himself, Sam. You’re not just punishing me. You’re punishing Toby, and Leo, and the President, for Christ’s sake.”

“I’m not punishing you for shit!”

“I don’t get why you’re so mad at me.”

Sam shook his head. “I wish I was mad, Josh. It would be a lot easier.”

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” he asked, more desperately than he had intended. He held himself back from adding _I miss you._

“Josh, I accidentally came out to you.”

“It didn’t seem like an accident,” Josh found himself saying before he could stop himself.

“Fuck you,” Sam snapped, eyes flashing, but his defenses dropped immediately. He ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. “It’s not exactly something you just push past in a few weeks, okay?” Though he was trying to disguise it with anger, Josh told tell he was nervous. He kept one hand shoved into his pocket, foot tapping on the floor, voice shaking just slightly as he spoke… this was Sam _scared_. Josh didn’t like scared Sam.

“But what, giving me the cold shoulder makes it easier?”

“I didn’t want—”

“Didn’t want what?”

“Would you let me finish? Just — just let me say this, goddamnit!” Sam’s voice was cold, but his gaze was pleading. It took all of Josh’s power not to step forward and pull him into his arms. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, okay? You didn’t say anything, and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable being around me now that you know…” He swallowed hard. “You know.”

Josh stopped. He stared at Sam, mouth half open. Sam was refusing to look at him again.

“Sam, you think — you think I’m not comfortable with you being bi?” he asked incredulously. Sam shrugged. “You went to Princeton. You have a law degree. You work for the President of the United States. I may be stupid, but I sure as hell know that you aren’t. You being bi doesn’t weird me out, Sam. I’ve been your best friend for years. I know your most embarrassing secrets. I’ve seen you way drunker than any human should be. I’ve been the victim of your two in the morning Chinese food-fueled rants about a thousand different pointless things. You really think your sexuality was gonna be where I drew the line? How long have you known me?”

“I didn’t know where you were going to draw the line, Josh, that was the point!” He took a deep breath, and his voice was quiet when he spoke again. “I didn’t know if it was going to be your breaking point. Not everyone is okay with it. I didn’t want to pressure you into accepting it. I didn’t know if it was going to make you uncomfortable.”

“Sam, you know my stance on—”

“It’s different when it’s someone you know. It just is. You don’t get it. I didn’t want to make it weird.”

“You made it kind of weird by dropping all contact with me for two weeks.” Sam flinched, barely noticeable. Josh stepped closer, and Sam tensed up a bit, but then relaxed. Josh continued softly, “You’re my best friend, Sam. I’m not going to drop you over something as tiny as this. I wouldn’t drop you over anything. I’ve got your back, and you’ve got mine. That’s our thing. We’re in it together.” He didn’t care how childish the phrase _best friend_ was. There really wasn’t any other way to describe it.

Sam nodded slowly, lifting his head to look at Josh. The brightness of Sam’s eyes still knocked the wind out of him every single time, no matter how often he found himself looking into them, imagining he could drown in them, before snapping back to attention and realizing that it was weird to stare at your best friend like that. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for acting like an idiot, and I’m sorry for not telling you before.”

His heart skipped at that. He almost let it spill out, came so close to just telling Sam “ _I’m gay and I think I might have feelings for you but it’s really just a stupid crush and it doesn’t mean anything so I’m not going to ruin our friendship by telling you I’ve wanted to kiss you for half a decade,_ ” but held himself back. Now wasn’t the time for that. This was about Sam, not about Josh. He stepped forward again and pulled Sam into a hug. Sam relaxed against him. Josh rested his cheek on top of Sam’s head, breathing in the scent of his shampoo and cologne. Josh’s chest ached.

“I’m sorry for not trying to talk to you first,” he said softly.

“It’s on me. I never should’ve let this interfere with work. I’ll apologize to Leo, too. My fault for acting so childish.” Sam paused. “And I’m sorry I brushed past the whole Rosslyn thing. It was stupid and insensitive. Are you doing okay?”

Josh nodded. “I’m fine. It got pretty rough a few days ago, just because everyone was reminding me of it, but I’m getting better. I’ve been seeing that therapist. He’s helping me through all of it. I’ve got special medication and everything. You don’t need to worry about it, okay? Seriously. Not your job to keep track of my panic attacks.”

Sam pulled back and looked up at him. “You’re still having panic attacks?”

He gritted his teeth, annoyed at himself for bringing it up. “Just every once in a while. It’s fine. Barely ever happens anymore. And I haven’t picked up a drug habit yet. Plus, now I can even listen to cello music without almost blacking out.”

“Josh,” Sam murmured. Clearly humor wasn’t going to work here.

“I’m fine, Sam. Don’t worry about me.” He forced a smile. Sam didn’t return it.

“I always worry about you.” It was horribly genuine, and it almost hurt. Sam cared too damn much. Josh didn’t deserve him.

Josh cleared his throat awkwardly. “So, we’re okay?”

“Yeah. We’re okay.”

“Thank God. I was worried Leo was going to ask for my resignation if I didn’t fix this.”

“As if he would ever get rid of you. I’d be the first to go, and we both know it.”

“Don’t talk like that, Seaborn. You’re the beating heart of this administration.”

Sam finally smiled. “Shut up.”

“Never. I meant it. And by the way, modesty doesn’t look good on you.” Sam’s cheeks went pink, and Josh grinned. He never would have lied to Sam about that. Without Sam, the Bartlet administration would fall apart. It blew his mind that Sam didn’t realize how important he was to their success. Josh glanced down at his watch. “I believe we have a meeting to get to. Ready?”

“Born ready.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah uh that's chapter one pls leave comments and kudos and follow my twitter @samuelseaborn (and my out of context west wing account @wwoutofcontext) i post good tweets and lots of west wing memes


	2. Chapter 2

Getting wine-drunk was preferable to beer or hard liquor. Wine made Josh sleepy, warm, content. Wine blurred the lines between him and Sam, gave him some plausible deniability when he stared just a little too long or let his touch linger on Sam’s arm or shoulder. Wine made Sam’s cheeks go pink, stained his pretty lips red. Wine made Sam laugh. Yeah, Josh much preferred wine.

CJ and Sam were giggling about something over on the couch, half-full glasses in each of their hands. Leo and Toby muttered quietly to one another, clearly not quite as inebriated as the rest of the staff. Toby had only had a quarter of glass so far, and Leo, of course, had abstained completely. Josh leaned over and set his wine glass on the floor to unbutton his sleeves and roll them up to his elbows, as well as loosening his tie so it wasn’t quite so constricting. Once he was more comfortable, he retrieved his drink and sank lower into his seat. A snorting laugh from CJ broke the tranquility of the room, and everyone looked over. She smiled and held up her hand, waving away their glances.

“Sorry, sorry,” she laughed. Josh raised an eyebrow and looked towards Sam, who returned his gaze with a grin and a wink. Josh felt his cheeks grow warm, and he looked down so no one would notice. Once his glass was empty, he held it out to Toby, who grabbed the wine bottle off Leo’s desk and filled Josh’s glass.

“Thanks, Toby. Love you.”

Toby shook his head and set the bottle back down. “I think I need to cut you off.” Josh whined and gripped his glass tighter, making a face at Toby. “Fine. But you’re not getting any more after that glass, so savor it.” Josh rolled his eyes but didn’t protest. Toby wasn’t going to give in, especially not to him. It seemed like Josh’s charm worked on everyone except Toby Ziegler. Come to think of it, actually, it didn’t work very well on Leo, either. Or CJ. Damn.

CJ cut herself off once she finished her glass, citing the fact that she needed to wake up early the next morning and didn’t want to be suffering from a hangover. She bid everyone goodbye and left. Toby followed suit, leaving only Leo, Josh, and Sam.

Josh spun his disappointingly empty glass in his fingers, a slight pout on his lips. Leo collected the glasses from Josh and Sam and kicked them out of his office. As they walked through the west wing, Josh found himself leaning more and more on Sam for support. Maybe he was a bit drunker than he should have been, but it felt _good_. Sam was quietly laughing, at Josh’s expense, but Josh didn’t mind one bit. He had spent the last few years of his life earning Sam’s laughter and the slight dimple that appeared on his cheek whenever he smiled. Josh checked for it, and sure enough, there it was. He grinned and leaned more heavily against Sam.

“Alright, dude, I can’t just _carry_ you,” Sam teased. “I think you need to lay down.”

Josh nodded, but he didn’t much like the idea of losing the warmth of Sam’s arm around his waist. Sam guided him into Toby’s office and helped him get settled on the couch. If Toby was there, he definitely would have complained, but he wasn’t, so Josh figured he could do whatever he wanted.

Well, not exactly, considering “whatever he wanted” including pulling Sam down on top of him and kissing him senseless. Sam was standing next to the couch, but too far away, and Josh let out a huff and wrapped his arm around the back of Sam’s legs to tug him closer. Sam almost lost his balance but caught himself by sticking his arm out and holding himself up against the wall. He looked down at Josh, who smiled innocently.

“You’re goofy when you’re drunk,” Sam said, accusatory but gentle.

“You’re drunk, too,” Josh retorted, sticking his tongue out. Sam laughed and shook his head.

“Buzzed, maybe. And barely. I’m not the one who had six glasses of wine.” He leaned over and removed Josh’s arm from around him, moving it so it was resting across Josh’s chest. Josh sighed but didn’t protest. “I’m gonna get you some water. Not that there’s much of anything that’ll prevent this hangover, but it’s worth a shot, hmm? Idiot.” His tone was fond, and it made Josh happy.

He vanished through the door, and Josh took the opportunity to close his eyes and try to slow his heartbeat. It was a miracle that Sam hadn’t noticed his pulse fluttering rapidly under his skin, or if he had noticed, graciously hadn’t mentioned it. Josh lifted his hand to feel under his jaw until the rhythm had slowed to an acceptable rate. His arm still felt warm where it had been wrapped around Sam’s legs, wrist burning where Sam had grabbed it. He was slightly amazed that there wasn’t a mark there, even though Sam’s grip had been feather-light. Sam’s touches, even the most casual, always felt like they were leaving third degree burns on Josh’s skin. He couldn’t imagine how it would feel to actually _touch_ Sam, for Sam to actually touch _him_. His skin would blister under Sam’s lips, he thought. He wanted to test the theory.

Sam returned with a glass of water and waited for Josh to sit up before handing it to him. The water was gone in seconds; Josh hadn’t realized how thirsty he was.

“That’s a bit better, right?” Sam asked, and Josh nodded. “I think I should take you home.” _Please do_. “I don’t feel safe letting you out on your own right now.”

“My place or yours?” Josh grinned cheekily. Sam rolled his eyes and cuffed Josh’s shoulder.

“Let’s go, flirt.” He guided Josh to his feet and returned his arm to the now familiar place around his waist. They walked outside together, and Sam helped Josh into the car. Josh leaned his head against the cool glass of the window and let his eyes close, overcome with exhaustion. His skin grew cold as Sam settled into the other seat, but he was asleep before he could miss the contact.

It felt like his eyes had been closed for only a few seconds when Sam gently shook him awake. He raised his head and looked around. They were at his house. Sam gestured for Josh to get out of the car, and he obeyed, still a bit unsteady, but Sam was around the car in a fraction of a second to help him keep his balance. He slipped his hand into Josh’s pocket to retrieve his key, and Josh’s breath caught in his throat. Sam let them inside, not bothering to flip the light switch in the hallway. The living room was dark, but there was just enough light coming in through the windows to make out the shapes of the furniture.

“Wanna go to bed,” Josh mumbled. He would have been perfectly content to lay down on the couch (or the floor, for that matter) and fall asleep there, but Sam didn’t seem like he was about to let go of Josh until he was safely tucked into bed.

Sam nodded and all but carried Josh to the bedroom, letting him collapse onto the mattress. He could have passed out right then, in his dress shirt and slacks, but Sam wasn’t going to allow it. He pulled Josh’s shoes off his feet, ignoring the light protests coming from Josh’s mouth.

“Turn over,” he said, tapping the back of Josh’s knee. Josh flipped onto his back and glared. Sam wasn’t at all intimidated. “Can you get your shirt and belt undone?” Josh almost lied, wanting to experience Sam undressing him, but not exactly like this. It wasn’t the time. Instead, he nodded, sat up, and got to work himself. After a moment of struggling, he shrugged the shirt off of his shoulders and tossed it to the floor.

“Grab me some sweats? Bottom drawer.” He gestured towards the dresser. Sam retrieved a pair of sweats and handed them to him. “Now turn around. No looking, perv.” Sam smiled and turned his back to Josh, who quickly undid his belt and slipped his pants off, replacing them with the much more comfortable sweats. “Okay, good.” Sam faced him again, and Josh quickly averted his eyes.

“Get under the covers, Joshua. It’s bedtime.”

Josh yanked the blankets out from where they had been tucked in and slid underneath them. Sam affectionately brushed a hand through Josh’s hair, and Josh leaned up into the contact, trying to savor the brief moment.

“G’night, Josh. I’ll see you. Call me tomorrow, okay?” He went to leave but paused in the doorway when Josh made a noise. He looked back over his shoulder with an inquisitive expression.

“Need to… was gonna tell you something,” Josh murmured, voice now half-slurred from alcohol and exhaustion. “Almost forgot. C’mere.” Sam seemed hesitant, but did as Josh asked anyway, returning to stand next to the bed. He began to sit up, but Sam gently pushed him back. His hands were warm through the fabric of Josh’s shirt, and even though they were gone in a heartbeat, Josh almost lost his breath.

“You need to go to sleep,” Sam murmured. His hand moved slightly, like he wanted to reach towards Josh again, but he stopped himself.

“Need to tell you this first.” Josh furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to remember what he wanted to say.

Sam raised an eyebrow, but Josh could tell he was more concerned than anything else. “What’s up?”

“I’m gay.”

Sam’s face went pale. “Josh, you’re drunk, I don’t think you want—”

“I do want. Wanted to tell you forever now.” He reached for Sam’s hand, but Sam yanked his arm out of reach. Josh let his hand fall limply back to his side. “Sam?”

“You need to go to sleep, Josh. Just — just go to sleep, okay? If you keep talking, you’re going to regret it. Go to sleep.”

“Never’d regret telling you anything.” He paused, meeting Sam’s eyes. “You’re pretty, Sam.”

Sam swallowed hard, eyes darting around Josh’s face. He shook his head. Josh was confused. His mind raced, trying to figure out where he had gone wrong. He had been honest; isn’t that what Sam wanted? Sam liked when people told the truth. But he was upset. Why? _What did I do?_

For a brief moment, it crossed his mind that maybe Sam hated him for it. That Sam would find him disgusting for being gay, just like everyone else would. But Sam was like him. Sam was broken, too.

“Sleep, Josh. I’ll talk to you when you’re sober.” And he was gone, flipping the light switch off and shutting the door behind him before Josh had time to say anything else, abandoned in his dark room with an apology still forming on his lips.

———

As expected, Josh woke up with a wicked hangover. His head pounded, and his mouth felt like he had been chewing cotton balls in his sleep. He looked around his bedroom blearily, trying to remember what had happened the night before. His mind was blank. There was a glass of water and two Aspirin on his nightstand, along with a note. He gratefully popped the painkillers and chugged the water, then picked up the note. In a distinct scrawl was written _**Call me when you wake up — Sam**_.

Josh strained his memory and could vaguely remember getting extremely wine-drunk in Leo’s office, and Sam helping him get home… it all started to slowly fall back into place. Sam’s arm wrapped around him for support as he helped Josh home and into bed, Sam pulling off his shoes, Sam making sure he was tucked into bed and comfortable, Sam… _fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck_. He groaned and rubbed his eyes vigorously, urging the painkillers to work faster, because the recollection of what he had done wasn’t doing anything to improve his headache. He wondered when Sam had found time to write him a note. Josh had thought that Sam had left him. Sam _had_ left him. Hadn’t he? 

He had told Sam he was gay. He had said it out loud. He had admitted it. It was real now; he couldn’t shove it into the corner of his mind and pretend it wasn’t there anymore. Sam would never believe that he had been lying or joking. He knew Josh too well. He clenched his fists and eyes shut, muttering _no no no_.

On impulse, he grabbed for the phone and dialed Sam’s number, cursing under his breath as it rang. Two rings, and Sam’s voice was on the other end.

“Hello?”

“I’m sorry. Shit, I’m sorry, Sam, I was a total mess last night and I’m sorry—”

“Josh, slow down.” His voice was soft, familiar, not at all disgusted or judgmental. “Take a breath, okay?”

He took a deep breath in and out. “I’m sorry.”

“What the hell are you sorry for?”

“For acting the way I did last night. It was totally out of line, and I’m sorry you had to deal with me like that. You know I try not to drink that much…”

“Yeah, I know. It’s okay, man, seriously. I saw worse in college, believe me. You were one of my easiest cases. At least you didn’t puke on yourself. Or on me, for that matter.” Josh could imagine him smiling on the other end of the line, and it made his chest hurt. He ran a hand through his hair. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like shit.”

Sam laughed, and even though it made his head pound, Josh wanted to hear it again. And again and again for the rest of his life. “I could’ve guessed. You should probably go back to sleep, okay? Get some more rest. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I haven’t seen you that drunk in a while.”

“You wrote me a note.”

“Yeah.” He heard Sam inhale. “I stuck around for a little while longer to make sure you got to sleep okay. I know how you get when you’re drunk. Didn’t want you puking on yourself or trying to get up and make yourself a grilled cheese at three in the morning.”

Josh smiled slightly at the memory. “That only happened once.”

“Yeah, and you almost burned your apartment down, dumbass.” When it came to other people, Josh despised being insulted. When it came to Sam, though, he was happy to be labelled a dumbass. The way Sam said it didn’t sound like an insult. It almost sounded like a nickname. Josh kind of loved it, though he would never admit it.

“Can you come over?” Josh asked softly. “In a few hours, I mean. I probably should sleep.”

There was silence on the other end for a moment. Josh almost started panicking again, but managed to keep himself in check.

“Sure. I’ll come by with lunch in a bit, sound good?” Josh made a sound of agreement. “Alright, get some rest. I’ll see you.”

Josh hung up the phone and sighed. He laid back down and stared at the ceiling, waiting for the hammers inside his skull to stop moving for half a second. He could try all he wanted, but he knew the chances of him falling back asleep were slim to none. It was time to spend the next few hours overthinking every single thing he had done the night before. He was so _stupid_. He knew how he got when he was drunk, how much more difficult it was to control his actions and words. Of course he had _wanted_ to come out to Sam, because Sam would understand, but not after six glasses of wine and acting like an idiot the entire night. He groaned. _Stupid_.

Somehow, he spent the time up until Sam arrived drifting in and out of consciousness, his dreams mixing in with reality. There were several times that he thought Sam was already there, until he opened his eyes and the bedroom was still empty. He dreamed of Sam’s burning touches, of Sam’s kisses against his skin, of Sam whispering into his ear, of the world on fire.

“Josh,” a voice was saying. Two hands shook him gently. “ _Jooooosh_.” He looked up to meet Sam’s eyes. 

“Oh, it’s Sam.”

Sam laughed and nodded. “Sure is. I brought more painkillers. And food, if you’re up for eating. You probably should.” 

Josh pushed himself up into a sitting position and shifted the pillow behind his back so he could be more comfortable. Sam, as usual, looked perfect, and Josh was only a little bit annoyed about that. Of course Sam wasn’t suffering from a hangover. God, or the universe, or whatever it was, had a grudge against Josh; he was a hundred percent sure. Only a vengeful god would put Sam in front of him, looking incredibly awake and just as pristine and gorgeous as always, his soft navy sweater clinging to his shoulders. Josh hated wine. He accepted the painkillers and water bottle Sam handed him. The headache had lessened, and he didn’t feel quite so shitty anymore, but he was a long way from top shape. Sam set Josh’s house key on the nightstand.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, too close but not close enough to Josh’s blanket-covered legs. 

“I’m sorry,” Josh said again.

“I told you, it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize for anything.” He waited a beat, then continued, “Were you telling the truth last night? About… you know?”

“Being gay?” The word still felt foreign on his lips. It was only the third or fourth time he had said it aloud about himself. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to brush it off, treat it like some kind of joke. But Sam would see right through him. Sam always saw right through him. “Yeah, I was. I… yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it? We don’t have to if you aren’t comfortable.” Sam rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s sometimes nice to have someone around to listen.” 

“No, I think — I think I want to. I haven’t, uh, I haven’t told anyone else. You’re the first person to know.” He set the water bottle down on the nightstand, but quickly regretted it, because now he had nothing to do with his hands. He picked at the edge of the duvet, staring down at his hands so he didn’t have to look at Sam.

“How long have you known?”

“I think I’ve known for a long time. In the back of my mind, you know? I think it was junior year of high school that I really, um, really started to think about it. College was worse. But I think I finally started to accept it sometime last year.” 

Even after so long, he didn’t think he was completely ready to accept it. It felt dirty. When he said it out loud, it sounded like a swear word. People like him weren’t supposed to be like this. A man in his position _couldn’t_ be gay, not unless he wanted to hide for his entire life or lose his career. Josh had seen what happened when other politicians tried to live openly. It never ended well for them, and it wouldn’t end well for him either. Being gay was a special privilege reserved for theater majors and artists and people who didn’t live their lives being scrutinized for every single thing they ever did. Every once in a while, Josh wished that he had given up on law school, fucked off to New York or San Francisco for good. He wondered what his life would look like if he had.

Sam was quiet for a moment or two. “It was college for me. Freshman year. I don’t know if I had ever even considered it before then. It just never really came up. But yeah, freshman year I started thinking about one of my friends, you know, differently. He was, uh, my first boyfriend, I guess you’d say. But no one ever really knew about it besides a few close friends.”

“So… you’re bisexual. And I’m gay.”

“Guess so. Makes the President’s staff a bit more diverse than everyone thought, huh? One woman, two Jews, and a couple of queers.” The corner of Sam’s mouth lifted up. Normally, the word would have sent a flash of panic through Josh’s mind, but when Sam said it, it felt like he was in on some kind of inside joke.

Josh laughed softly. He half wondered if they had somehow sensed this about each other, if that was the reason they had become so close so easily. It didn’t seem like too much of a stretch. They had always felt comfortable around one another. It felt like, when he was with Sam, some of the pressure of the world lessened. He was more himself around Sam than he had ever been around anyone else. In the midst of the mess that was Josh’s life, Sam was a solid foundation, a constant, reassuring presence.

“I’m sorry I said you didn’t get it.” Sam bit his lip. “When I came out. It was stupid.”

“There was no way you could have known.”

“Yeah, but still. It was stupid of me to assume.”

“I was kind of counting on people assuming I’m straight, so it wasn’t really a bad thing.”

“Guess so.” Sam shrugged.

“What do you think would happen if people found out?” Josh asked quietly.

“I don’t really like to think about it. It’s not something…” he trailed off. Josh nodded. His first thought when he considered the consequences was being fired, and he was sure it was the same for Sam. “I’m not ashamed of it, you know. I’m really not. I know it might seem that way, but it’s just ‘cause of other people. Because I know how people would react to the White House staff being gay. I wish people didn’t want to force me to be ashamed of it.”

Josh smiled sadly at that. Sam wasn’t the kind of person who lived his life quietly. If he had been able to, Sam would have been out there, speaking out and living his life the way he was meant to. It hurt Josh to think about what Sam could have — what they could both have — if their lives were different.

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Josh stared at his hands. He examined the thin scar across his right palm. It was barely noticeable now, just a faint pink line. People didn’t ask about it anymore when he shook hands. And almost everyone had believed his story about breaking a glass — everyone but Leo and Sam. No one else worried about him like they did. Sam quietly cleared his throat.

“You said I was pretty,” he said softly, like he was scared of the implications of bringing it up. Josh kept his gaze fixed on his hands, unable to find the strength to make eye contact.

“…I did,” he whispered eventually. “And I meant it.” Finally, he looked up to meet Sam’s eyes. There was something there, an emotion that Josh couldn’t place. “I know I was completely shitfaced, but I meant it. You’re pretty, Sam, and you deserve to be told.”

Sam’s cheeks flushed, and he broke Josh’s gaze as he murmured, “Thank you.”

“You brought food?” Josh changed the subject. The normal Sam returned, and he reached for the grocery bags he had left on the floor.

“I have soup, if you want me to go heat it up. Chicken noodle or potato, whichever you prefer.”

“Chicken sounds good. I think I’m gonna try to shower, then. You know where everything is in the kitchen?”

Sam nodded and got up off the bed, carrying the bags with him. Josh watched as he left, a small smile on his lips. _Yeah, you’re pretty._

———

Something was still slightly off between them. It was Josh’s fault. He felt like he had to be more careful about how he interacted with Sam now, even if he couldn’t come up with a valid reason for it. No one else knew about their sexualities. No one was ever going to question them being close — they were friends. It wouldn’t have been weird for them to interact like they normally did. And yet Josh found himself avoiding physical contact with Sam and checked himself every time his gaze lingered for even half a second too long. If Sam had noticed, he hadn’t mentioned it. No one else seemed to take note.

Sam and Toby had been working for three straight days on a speech for the President to give at a state dinner with representatives, ambassadors, and political figures from several European countries. Everyone was walking on eggshells around them; Toby had already blown up twice, once on a poor intern, and once on Josh when he tried to suggest a slight edit. Sam was less likely to express his displeasure through yelling and throwing things, but he was still a ticking time bomb of stress. Writing a speech that would please absolutely everyone was an impossible task. Josh hadn’t seen them this worked up about an event since the State of the Union. He wasn’t a writer, didn’t know the first thing about it, but he did know that having to vet everything through several other departments before it could even be _considered_ for part of the speech was not an enjoyable way to pass the time. On top of that, there was the pressure of dealing with the foreign state departments. If and when Sam did finally blow up, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” Toby stormed into the room and slammed a piece of paper down on the table. “If I get one more complaint from the French, I’m going to take the Eiffel Tower and ram it up their asses!”

Josh snatched a mug of coffee out of the way of Toby’s rampage. Experience told him that the question did not actually require a response, and he wisely kept his mouth shut. Toby fumed for a few more minutes, pacing back and forth until Josh was certain he was going to wear a hole in the floor. Ed and Larry’s heads were flicking back and forth like they were watching a tennis match. Josh sunk a little lower in his chair and took a few deep, calming breaths. This was fine. They were going to be fine.

Eventually, Toby managed to wear himself out. He snatched his paper back and disappeared through the door, slamming it shut behind him. Josh let out a long breath.

“Good to know he’s hard at work,” he said. “Did either of you see that memo? Do we even know what the French’s problem is?” Ed and Larry both shook their heads. “Wonderful. Alright, willing sacrifices, go find out. Maybe we can tackle this from our end.”

“You want us to go in there?” Ed (or Larry, Josh could never keep them straight) asked. “You want us to _die_?”

“No, I want you to figure out what our newest problem is so we can fix it. If you happen to die in the process, I’ll make sure everyone knows you were killed serving your country. Twenty-one-gun salute and everything. Go.”

They looked at each other nervously but followed his instructions. Josh took a sip of coffee and rubbed his temples. As soon as this dinner was over with, he was taking Sam and Toby out for drinks. Many, many drinks. He gathered his things and migrated back to his office.

“Donna, how many hours left?”

“Until the state dinner?”

“Yeah.”

She checked the clock. “Twenty-six. How is it going?”

“Well, Toby just went crazy for the third time in three days, and I don’t think anyone has seen Sam since six this morning. But it’s going great. We’re not about to destroy our relationships with six European nations.”

“Josh—”

“I’m kidding, Donna. It’ll be fine. Toby and Sam’ll work it out, they always do. It’s fine.” He needed to hear it as much as she did. “Messages?”

“A rep from Prackett Industries called to talk about something about tariffs, Joey Lucas’ office about new polling numbers, and Senator Mayne’s office about the funding breakdown in the public school bill they’re introducing next week.”

“Get me Prackett first, then Mayne. I’ll get to Joey’s numbers whenever I have time, but they’re not as important right now.”

“You got it.”

—

“Donna!” Josh threw his bowtie down on his desk in frustration. “ _Donna!_ ”

“Give me two seconds to respond, would you? I can’t teleport.”

“You should learn how. It’d be very convenient for me.”

“And I live to make your life more convenient.”

“You do, in fact. It’s your job.”

She rolled her eyes, then picked the bowtie, quickly wrapped it around his neck, and tied it, straightening it out before stepping backwards. “There, all set. If it comes undone more than twice throughout the entire night, so help me, Joshua…”

“I’ll be extra careful. Thank you.” He grabbed his watch from his desk and fastened it on his wrist.

“You really should learn how to tie your own ties.”

“But then why would I bother keeping you around?”

Donna raised an eyebrow, like he was stupid for even asking. “Because you would fall apart without me.”

He smiled. “You’re going to be doing my ties until the day I die, Donnatella.”

“My life is eternally thrilling.”

“You look good, by the way.”

“Why, thank you.” She struck a dramatic pose, flipping her hair over her shoulder. She did look good, in a form-fitting, slightly sparkly red dress with thin straps. If Josh had been straight, and five years younger, and didn’t think of her as an annoying little sister, he would have to admit she was a very attractive young woman. “Did you hear who’s coming tonight?”

“I’m pretty sure there’s a couple hundred people on the guest list. You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Brett Seidman.”

“The congressman from Arizona?”

“Yes.”

“Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”

“When has that ever stopped me?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Alright, then. Good luck with that.” She thanked him and left the room. 

Josh organized a few folders on his desk before turning off the light in his office and heading towards the ballroom. He passed by the communications bullpen on the way, and stopped in to check on Toby and Sam. They were in Toby’s office finalizing the President’s speech. Despite the craziness of the week, they had both cleaned up very nicely. Josh briefly thought about how unfair it was that along with all of his other amazing qualities, Sam Seaborn could really wear a suit.

“Hey,” he greeted them. Toby glanced up, nodded, and looked back down to his papers. “Great talk.”

“Hey, we look good,” Sam teased, expression bright.

“Don’t we?” It had become their ritual before every black tie event, and as casual as it was, Josh always meant it. He wondered if Sam did as well, or if it was just automatic at this point. He then mentally slapped himself for letting himself wonder that. “How’s it looking?”

“I think we might actually be done with it.”

“Yeah, if the French don’t have any other _issues_ ,” Toby muttered. Sam laughed, and Josh was grateful to see him in such good spirits again. He knew how good Sam was at his job, and that his extreme work mode was just one way that he focused in on a project, but he preferred Sam this way. “Sam, you go ahead. I’m gonna read this through over and over until I decide whether or not I need to slam my head through this desk.”

“Great. See you in there.” Sam nudged Josh’s arm, and they started walking together.

“What are you doing after this?” Josh asked, trying to keep his voice level.

“Drinking, watching the Chargers game I’m currently recording, passing the fuck out.”

“If I provide the alcohol, can I join the party?”

“Of course, if you’re bringing the drinks.” Sam smiled. “Come find me once we’re done? I’ll probably be in my office.”

“You got it. Go charm some Europeans, Seaborn.” He winked and broke away from Sam, heading into the crowd of people to find his table.

As per usual, Bartlet received a standing ovation when he was finished with the speech. Josh scanned the crowd until he spotted Toby. He was clapping along with everyone else, but he still seemed slightly displeased. Of course, he had never once in his life been a hundred percent satisfied with one of Bartlet’s deliveries. If Toby Ziegler ever congratulated the President on a speech perfectly done, Josh would be concerned for his health.

A while later, everyone started wishing each other goodbye and gathering their things. Josh said goodbye to his tablemates, exchanging handshakes and cheek kisses all around, and attempted to head as quickly as he could to Sam’s office, but many of the guests had other plans. He was stopped several times for quick conversations but managed to excuse himself politely from each one after only a minute or so of talking. He had already mentally checked out and wasn’t exactly in the mood to go on talking with _more_ congressmen and ambassadors when that was all the last few hours of his life had involved. He finally managed to break free of the crowd and waited in the communications bullpen, leaning against an assistant’s desk. He checked his watch.

A hand tapped his shoulder, and he turned to see Sam standing next to him, grinning from ear to ear. Josh stood up and started clapping. Sam laughed and took a bow.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest speechwriter in White House history.”

“Shut up,” Sam said, but he was still smiling. “I believe you owe me some alcohol.”

“Of course, my lord. What drink would you prefer?”

“You know how to make cocktails?”

“Definitely not. Once shattered three glasses trying to mix one.”

“ _Three?_ ” Sam shook his head. “Damn. I was craving something fruity.” Josh snorted, and Sam whacked his arm. “Hey! Unlike _some_ people, my masculinity isn’t threatened by some sweetness in my drink.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll pick up some beer. You got Coke?” Sam nodded. “Then I’ll get rum, too. That’s the extent of my mixology skills.”

“I guess I’ll live.” Sam sighed dramatically. “See you at my place in an hour?”

“Yes, sir.” Josh smiled and hopped to his feet. “Don’t start the game without me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

—

Josh shifted his bags into his left arm and buzzed Sam’s doorbell. He heard a beep and pulled the door open, then readied himself to take the hike up the staircase. Once he reached Sam’s door, he banged his fist against it.

“Are you _trying_ to make my neighbors hate me?” Sam asked as he opened the door. He had changed into a pair of jeans and a Princeton sweatshirt. Josh couldn’t decide whether he was a bigger fan of black tie Sam or casual Sam. It was extremely unfair that Sam could look good in anything. Josh kind of wanted to hate him.

“Maybe just a little. Can you take these?” He held out the paper bags, and Sam took them, leading the way into his apartment. Josh closed the door behind him and slipped his dress shoes off his feet. _Finally_. He struggled with his tie for a moment but managed to get it undone, leaving it hanging around his neck. He slipped off his jacket and hung it on a hook near the door, then undid the top two buttons of his shirt and rolled up the sleeves as he followed Sam into the kitchen. Sam had already pulled the drinks out onto the counter and was rummaging through the fridge for a couple cans of Coke. He turned around with one in each hand and set them down before retrieving two glasses from the cupboard.

“So, what did you think of the speech?” He poured Coke and a shot of rum into each glass.

“I thought it was great. So did everyone else, based on their reactions. I even had some German lady tell me to congratulate you.”

“Was she cute?”

“She was like a hundred years old, but I guess so, if you’re into that. Probably rich, too.” He took the glass Sam offered him, and they moved into the living room, settling down on the couch. The television was already on, and Sam had the recorded football game ready to go. 

Sam raised his glass. “Cheers.” 

Josh smiled and clinked his against Sam’s, then took a sip. Sam hit play and they turned their attention to the TV. 

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, only broken on a particularly good (or disappointing) play. Josh couldn’t say he really cared all that much about the Chargers — he was an east coast boy, after all, and was a bigger baseball fan than football — but he enjoyed watching Sam get into the game. He had missed this. For the first time in the past two months, he wasn’t worried about anyone else examining their interactions too closely. When Sam sat back down after a touchdown celebration, and his leg brushed against Josh’s, Josh fully expected him to move away. He didn’t. Josh stared down at the lack of space between them. He felt like his leg was burning, but not uncomfortably. Less like a raging inferno and more like a cozy campfire. Hot, but not unbearably so. For half a second, he thought about the fact that he would probably walk across burning coals for Sam Seaborn. If he was honest, the list of things he _wouldn’t_ do for Sam was extremely short.

He forced himself up once his glass was empty and left it on the kitchen counter before getting two beers from the fridge. He handed one to Sam and collapsed back onto the sofa, just as close as he had been before. Sam briefly smiled at him, and Josh felt his chest get warm. He was doomed.

Not wanting a repeat of the night a few weeks ago, Josh stopped himself when he was just a comfortable amount of drunk: sleepy, happy, close to Sam. Sam had downed three more beers, and at some point had cuddled into Josh’s side. Josh had tentatively wrapped an arm around Sam’s shoulders, and Sam had smiled, but didn’t break his attention from the television. Josh tried not to read too much into it.

They were just friends. Close friends, but _just friends_ all the same.

He looked down at Sam and wondered what would happen if he kissed him. Would he kiss back? Or would he shove Josh off of him and kick him out of his apartment? Josh decided not to risk it, as badly as he wanted to, and sighed softly, looking away from Sam’s ridiculously tempting lips. The game was two seconds away from being over, and the Chargers had the lead, so Sam wasn’t worried enough to be fully invested anymore. Once it had ended, he grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. Josh figured that meant it was time for him to move and lifted his arm so Sam could get up. But Sam didn’t move. He closed his eyes and rested his head against Josh’s shoulder. Josh’s breath got caught in his throat.

 _This is weird_ , he thought. _Right? This is weird._ But it didn’t feel weird. It felt, somehow, normal. Sam fit perfectly against him. But that didn’t mean anything. It was just a coincidence that it seemed like they were meant to sit like this, Sam tucked under Josh’s arm, his hair tickling Josh’s jaw. Josh forced himself to breathe slowly, in and out and in and out.

“Sam,” he finally murmured. Sam hummed in response but didn’t look up. “Sam, you should probably get to bed. And I should go home.”

Sam’s fingers grasped the fabric of his shirt, and Josh swallowed hard, ignoring the shivers it sent through his entire body. His fingers twitched, and he resisted the urge to tangle them in Sam’s hair and pull him in, kiss him sloppily and deeply until he forgot his name.

Josh took a deep breath. He tried to convince himself that it was the alcohol talking.

“Stay,” Sam whispered, and Josh had no idea how to say no. So he didn’t.

When he finally went home, late the next morning, he stood underneath the burning shower and tried not to think about it.

They didn’t talk about it. Josh prayed Sam didn’t regret it. They settled back into their normal routine, and Josh stopped worrying so much about what happened when he brushed against Sam’s shoulder in the hallway or their legs bumped each other’s under the table at a meeting. But he didn’t stop thinking about how nicely Sam had fit against him, or how warm Sam was, or how he murmured softly in his sleep, or how soft his hair was, or how he had gripped Josh’s shirt and hadn’t let go the entire night, or how he looked first thing in the morning, still half-asleep and slightly hungover. He had accepted a while ago that he felt something for Sam, something more than just a normal friendship, but he refused to wonder if Sam returned those feelings. He wasn’t going to put their relationship in jeopardy for a stupid crush. Even if he couldn’t stop wondering about what it would feel like to kiss Sam Seaborn and have him kiss back.

Josh Lyman was fucked. Massively, royally, undeniably _fucked_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're just a couple of stupid drunk boys really,,, sam is soft and josh is an idiot but we been knew. leave comments and kudos pls i really appreciate it :D


	3. Chapter 3

“Josh.” Donna was standing the doorway, a folder in one hand and a pen in the other. Josh looked up from the binder on agriculture subsidies he had been reading through. “The Vice President’s office is asking for you.”

“Hoynes? What does he want?”

Donna shrugged. “Didn’t say. Just asked for you to stop by if you have a free moment.”

“Do I have a free moment?”

“Your meeting with AAEA starts at two.”

“Honestly, I’d rather deal with Hoynes.” He checked his watch and stood up. “Tell them I’m on my way over now.” Donna nodded and returned to her desk. Josh stretched before heading out to make his way to the Vice President’s office. Hoynes’ secretary greeted him with a smile.

“You can go on in, Josh,” she told him.

He knocked on the door before opening it and stepping into the room. Hoynes was sitting at his desk, reading something. He removed his reading glasses and stood up as Josh entered.

“Josh, good to see you.”

“You too, sir.”

“Call me John. Seriously. We’ve known each other for long enough.” He shook Josh’s hand and sat back down. Josh took a seat in one of the chairs facing his desk. He leaned back and crossed one leg over the other, looking at Hoynes expectantly. It wasn’t very often that he got called into Hoynes office by the VP himself — normally, someone else sent him there. He racked his brain, trying to come up with any reason that Hoynes might have asked for him, but couldn’t think of one.

Josh cleared his throat. “So, what do you need from me?”

Hoynes leaned back comfortably. Despite the Vice President’s casual appearance, Josh felt like he was being examined under a microscope. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out _why_. It was causing just the tiniest bit of stress, but he was careful to keep a straight face. Sam’s voice spoke up in the back of his mind, teasing him about his lack of a believable poker face. Josh willed the voice to shut up. He quietly cleared his throat.

“Do you think the President is going to win reelection?” Hoynes asked.

Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “Well, I hope he will, sir.”

“I don’t want to know what you hope. I want to know what you _think_. You’ve got a good brain for these things.”

“I’d say he has a good shot, yeah. But it depends on who the Republican frontrunner ends up being. If he’s likeable enough, we might be in trouble in a few of the swing states.”

“Robert Ritchie.”

“From Florida?” Hoynes nodded. Josh laughed. “You’re joking, right?”

“No, I’m not. I think we need to take him more seriously.”

“There’s no way he beats out the President. We’ve got this in the bag if we’re up against _Ritchie_.”

Hoynes tapped his fingers on his desk, still looking at Josh with careful consideration. “What are your plans after all this, Josh?”

“What do you mean?”

“If the President loses, or after his second term. Whenever this is done, what are you doing next?”

He had to think about that for a moment. He hadn’t speculated about the future that much yet; there was enough on his plate as it was without throwing more plans into the mix. He would keep working in politics, of course. If possible, he wanted to keep running presidential campaigns. His résumé was good enough to continue in the same line of work, especially if he could add Bartlet’s reelection to the list. Josh wanted to be the one to pick out the next guy. Jed Bartlet was a tough act to follow, and whoever was coming after him had to be the best in the business.

“Staying in Washington,” he responded, purposely vague.

Hoynes pushed a little further. “Running more campaigns?”

“Sir, are you planning on running for President?”

“I’m considering it.”

“We haven’t even won a second term yet,” Josh said, taken aback. Regardless of whether they won or lost the next election, it would be another four years before Hoynes would have the chance to start another campaign. “Sir, all due respect, but do you think it’s the best idea to be planning your own campaign when you haven’t even finished this one?”

“I’m not planning anything yet. But I have to look towards the future, don’t I?”

“I guess.” Josh shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“So, what I wanted to ask you about is if you’d be with me.”

“I’m sorry?”

“If I run, I want you on my team.”

Josh shook his head. “Mr. Vice President, I'm sorry, but I can’t make that kind of commitment. You know I can't.”

“I’m not asking you to sign any contract.” Hoynes leaned forward, clasping his hands together and resting them on his desk. “I lost the nomination because I lost you, Josh. I think with you behind me, and without having to go up against President Bartlet, I may have a real shot next time around. I don’t want anyone else to pick you up before I get the chance.”

Josh could think of about a million people he would run a Presidential campaign for before he ran one for John Hoynes again — Leo, of course, at the top of the list (as if Josh could ever convince him to run), followed closely by Sam, followed by about thirty federal and state representatives, and even a governor or two. Dropping out of Hoynes’ campaign to join Bartlet’s had been one of the best decisions he had ever made. He couldn’t imagine working for _President Hoynes_ , even if it would have earned him a higher position than the one he currently held. What he had told Sam when he went to get him in New York still held true: Jed Bartlet was the real thing. John Hoynes was not.

He shook his head again. “I can’t promise you anything, sir. I’m sorry. And besides, I don’t know if you want me on your campaign anyway.”

“I can’t think of anyone better to run it,” Hoynes said. “Can you tell me you’ll consider it?”

“I’ll think about it. In the future. For now, I’m focused on getting President Bartlet reelected.”

Hoynes sighed and nodded. “Alright. Thank you, Josh. Sorry for taking up your time. I’m sure you have things to get back to.”

“Thank you, sir.” Josh got up and walked out of the office, content to never again think about the opportunity Hoynes had presented to him. He made a silent pledge that he would never help John Hoynes run for President, followed by a promise that someday, he was going to get a man like Sam Seaborn elected instead.

———

When they had first met, Josh never in a million years would have thought that he would consider Joey Lucas one of his best friends, but there they were, sitting across from each other at a restaurant where they could almost be considered regulars now, down the street from the White House. As usual, Kenny was there as well, sitting next to Josh, but it wasn’t at all awkward. Kenny and Joey were a package deal, Josh knew, and though he would never admit it, he kind of adored both of them (plus, Kenny was cute, so he wasn’t complaining one bit). They chatted casually as they ate, about work-related and life-related things. Joey’s sister was getting married in February, Josh’s cousin was having a baby, that sort of thing.

After dinner, Josh walked them back to their hotel. Kenny and Joey’s rooms were next door to each other, and Kenny quickly said goodnight, disappearing into his own room. Josh and Joey stood in the hallway outside Joey’s door. Josh ran a hand through his hair nervously.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked, a bit slower than normal to make sure Joey could read his lips. She nodded and unlocked the door, let them inside, and turned the lights on. She removed her coat and hung it over the back of the desk chair, but Josh kept his on, hands buried in his pockets as he rocked back and forth on his heels. Joey turned to him and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s up?”

He was beginning to have second thoughts. There was really no reason to do this, no reason for him to tell Joey about anything. But still, even if he didn’t know why, he wanted to tell her. It just seemed like she would understand. Plus, if she didn’t, she spent the vast majority of her time on the opposite end of the country. If things went south, he could just avoid her for the rest of his life. That seemed easy enough. He took a deep breath.

“You can read my lips fine, right?”

He was stalling. Joey rolled her eyes. “Yes.”

“Okay, look, I’m going to tell you something. It’s — it’s not something I really want other people to find out about. Not even Kenny.” He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. “If you want to say something, and I don’t understand, you can just write it down.” He gestured at the pen and notepad sitting on top of the bedside table. Joey nodded, clearly concerned. She sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the mattress next to her. Josh took the invitation but couldn’t manage to relax, his legs tensed and ready to sprint out of the room.

“What’s going on?”

He closed his eyes for a second. “Last time you were in Washington, you told me you thought Donna had a crush on me. I told you it was ridiculous, and I was gonna tell you something else, but… I didn’t.”

She thought about it, then nodded. “I remember.”

“I was going to tell you… shit.” He laughed nervously, tears beginning to sting in the corners of his eyes. “Sorry. I was going to tell you that I’m—” It was still too hard to say it out loud. He held out his thumb and index finger, signing a _G_ , then brought his hand up and tapped his chin. _Gay_.

Joey’s eyes widened, barely noticeable, but Josh saw. He swallowed hard and prepared for the worst. Joey mirrored the sign, an inquisitive expression on her face. Josh nodded.

“You’re gay?” She signed as she spoke. He absentmindedly brought his hand back up to his face. _Gay_. It was easier to say it with ASL than out loud. Not having to hear it lessened the impact of the word.

“I… yeah. Yeah, I am.” He looked down at his hands, picking anxiously at a hangnail.

He was taken by surprise when Joey tackled him with a hug. For such a small person, she was remarkably strong, and Josh felt all of the oxygen vacate his lungs at once. Warm tears started falling down his cheeks, and he wrapped his arms around Joey, gripping the back of her shirt. She tightened her grip before pulling away and signing something.

“What was that?” he asked. She repeated the sign, then grabbed the notepad.

 _I’m proud of you_ , she wrote quickly. Josh laughed softly and wiped his cheeks with the sleeve of his jacket. Joey turned the notepad back towards herself and circled the word “proud” a couple of times. She repeated the sign then, making sure Josh knew what it meant. He copied her actions, and she grinned. Making use of the little other sign language he knew, Josh signed _thank you_.

“I guess I should tell you something, then,” she said. Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “Me too.”

“What?”

She signed an _L_ and tapped it against her chin. “I’m a lesbian.”

“No way.”

Joey laughed. “Yes way.”

Josh grinned and hugged her again. “That’s great. Really. Seriously, Joey, that’s fantastic. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks.” She nudged him with her elbow. “Is there a guy?”

Josh bit his bottom lip. “…yeah, there is. Kind of. Not that I’m, like, _with_ , but… yeah. I guess there is. He’s — he’s amazing.”

Her expression brightened. “Want to tell me about him?”

He considered it for a second. He was completely confident that Joey wasn’t going to out him to anyone else. She had kept her own secret for this long, and Josh knew she would never use his sexuality against him. It was probably safe to tell her about Sam.

“You know him. He works in the White House with me. He’s…” He trailed off as Joey finger spelled something. “Can you do that again?”

She did, slower this time. _S-A-M_.

“How did you know?”

Joey shrugged. “I’m smarter than I look.”

“It’s really that obvious?" His cheeks grew warm. He had thought he had been slightly better at hiding it, but maybe Joey was just intuitive.

“To me.”

“Yeah, it’s Sam.” He felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “He’s, um, bisexual. Is there a sign for that?” She shrugged and signed _B-I_. “Yeah. I — I’ve had feelings for him for a long time. Pretty much since we met, I think, but I didn’t really notice until the campaign. The past few months have been… I don’t know. Intense, I guess? After he came out to me, everything just sort of spiraled.”

“He’s cute,” she said. Josh laughed quietly.

“You’ve got that right. He’s really — he’s something else. He’s special.” He didn’t know how else to explain it.

He didn’t know how to vocalize exactly how he felt about Sam Seaborn. How could anyone else understand the warmth that flooded his chest whenever Sam walked into a room, or the tug in the pit of his stomach whenever Sam spoke, or the dazed feeling he got whenever Sam went on one of his passionate rants? How could anyone else understand the confusion and jealousy and overwhelming happiness that overtook his brain whenever he was in Sam’s presence? No one could ever really get his feelings for Sam Seaborn. Hell, even Josh wasn’t sure he fully understood them. All he knew was that every time Sam smiled, or laughed, or just simply _existed_ , Josh fell a little bit farther. He knew that he had never felt the same way about anyone — male or female — as he felt about Sam, and he probably never would again. Sam was special. There was no other way to put it.

Joey seemed to get that he didn’t have much else to say. “I think you should go for it.”

“What?”

“Ask him out.”

He laughed, but Joey seemed serious. “Yeah, no.”

She picked up the pen again. _Go for it. I’ve seen the way he acts around you._

“As if. I’d get rejected before I even opened my mouth.” Joey rolled her eyes and underlined the first sentence.

“Don’t be a pussy,” she said out loud. Josh blinked in surprise and shook his head, offended. “I’m good at reading these things. Go for it.”

“I’ll think about it. _Maybe_ ,” he added quickly when she grinned. “Don’t get your hopes up.”

Joey patted his shoulder. “I believe in you.”

“Thank you, by the way,” he said quietly. “You’re only the second person who knows. Well, third, if you include my therapist, but he’s legally not allowed to tell anyone. So, if you could, you know, keep it quiet? It’s not something I want to be public knowledge.”

She mimed zipping her mouth shut. Josh smiled and hugged her tightly.

“Is there a girl?” he asked her.

Joey shook her head. “Not right now.”

“That’s a shame. If I stumble across any lesbians, I’ll make sure I let you know.” Joey laughed.

“It’s late,” she said. “You should go home.” Josh nodded and stood, straightening out his coat where it had wrinkled from Joey’s hug. He headed for the door, turning around and signing one more _thank you_ before he left.

———

Josh wasn’t the type of person to invoke the name of God on a day-to-day basis, but as he cleared the last few folders off of his desk, the phrase _Thank God it’s Friday_ crossed his mind once or twice. Not that the weekend actually had any substance in his line of work — he knew he could get a call at four in the morning demanding he come in because something went horribly wrong in the Middle East or Canada or some bumfuck county in the middle of Mississippi. The illusion of a break was still there, though, and he could imagine it now: going home, throwing back a beer, watching some football, and getting an actually restful night of sleep. But that was just a backup plan for if he failed to grow a pair and follow through on his actual plans for the evening.

“Josh,” called Donna from his doorway, and he turned toward her. “Josh, I’m done, right? I can go?”

He feigned thinking for a moment. “Actually, I have about fourteen more things that need to be dealt with, and CJ sent me a memo about something about the _Post_ , and I just gotta know what they’re serving at the banquet thing next week, and—”

“ _Joooooosh._ ” It was a whine now, Donna bouncing slightly in place. She had crossed her arms and was giving him a stern look. “I have plans and you know it.”

“Yeah, Donna, get out of here. I’ll see you.”

“Love you!” She grinned and disappeared around the corner. Josh rolled his eyes good-naturedly and pulled his coat on, then turned his light off and headed towards the communications bullpen. Toby was on the phone, one hand holding the receiver up to his ear and the other supporting his head as he rubbed his temple. Josh leaned halfway into the office, and Toby briefly looked up, mouthed _I’m going to kill someone_ , and waved Josh away. Sam’s door was closed, but the blinds were not, and Josh could see him typing away on his computer. He knocked on the door, two quick raps of his knuckles, and waited for Sam’s okay before walking in and shutting the door behind him.

Sam ignored his entrance and kept typing, every few words hitting the delete key, pausing for a second, and then continuing. Josh stood patiently by the door, observing. Sam was always enthralling to watch, but something about him in writer’s mode was even better. Finally, Sam finished whatever thought he was working on and looked up, smiling once he made eye contact with Josh. He took his glasses off and set them down on the desk.

“Headed out?” he asked.

“In a minute. Are you staying late?”

Sam sighed and rifled through a few papers on his desk next to the laptop. “I was really hoping not to, but now I’m not so sure. Toby wanted the second draft of this speech, and I’m so close to being done rewriting, but it’s not quite there yet.”

“Not there yet by normal people standards or by Seaborn standards?” Josh teased.

“I guess by Seaborn standards. But I’m not trusting your opinion on it, Lyman.” He shot Josh a look. “You just want to turn me into a slacker. I’d never get anything done if I trusted your judgment on when a speech is good enough.”

“That’s fair.”

“Did you need something from me?”

Josh swallowed nervously and paused for a second. He did need (well, _want_ ) something, but if Sam was staying late, then clearly he was going to say no, so there was really no point to even asking, and Josh was considering just denying it and telling Sam goodnight. But then he looked back to Sam’s face, and he was so gorgeous in the dim light of the single lamp illuminating the room, his tie loose around his neck and hair in disarray, looking more beautiful than any human being should have been allowed to. Josh couldn’t lie.

“I just wanted to know if you wanted to go out with me. Get some drinks. But if you’re too busy, it’s really not a big deal.”

Sam looked at his work again and rubbed his temples. “You know what, yeah, I could definitely use a beer. Give me ten minutes?”

Josh tried to stifle the grin about to overtake his entire face. “Course. Just come find me when you’re done.”

He turned on his heel and exited the office. As soon as the door closed behind him, he pumped his fist in the air. He’d done it. He asked Sam to go out, and Sam had said _yes_. He strutted into Toby’s office and collapsed onto the couch, grinning stupidly. Toby gave him a look and a raised eyebrow, but was still too preoccupied with his phone conversation to fully acknowledge Josh.

“No, I _know_ that. I’m not an idiot. I just don’t see why it’s my responsibility! If they’re so incompetent—” A brief pause as the person on the other end of the line responded. “Well you can tell him to take his opinion and shove it up his — fine. Fine! But I’m not the one that’s going to deal with it. Talk to CJ.” He slammed down the phone into its base and his head onto the desk.

“Rough day?” asked Josh, as casually as possible.

“Joshua, if you say one more word to me, I will take this desk and throw it onto your weak, wimpy body. Get your cheerful mood out of my office.”

“Aye aye, captain. See you Monday.” Josh hopped up and mock saluted, then made a quick exit, in case Toby actually decided to throw something at him (after being assaulted with Toby’s rubber ball multiple times, he was smart enough to take the threats seriously). He paced around the bullpen, every so often casting a glance at Sam’s closed door. Josh almost wished he had something to do while waiting for Sam to be finished, if not for anything else but distracting him from the fact that he was about to spend a substantial time alone with Sam for the first time in weeks. But he had done it, he had asked Sam to go out, and the world hadn’t imploded. That had to mean _something_ was going to go right, right?

The light in Sam’s office went out and Sam appeared, coat already pulled on. He spotted Josh and smiled. He held up one finger, then ducked into Toby’s office for a second, most likely to tell him that the draft of the speech was done. Josh stood up straight and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Alright, I’m ready. Where are we going, anyway?” Sam asked. The pair started walking in step toward the exit.

“I, uh, hadn’t thought that far ahead.” He hadn’t expected a yes, so he hadn’t gotten his hopes up by picking a location. “Do you have a favorite bar nearby?”

Sam considered that for a second, then nodded. “I know where we’re going.”

“Lead the way.”

It was a place on the opposite side of the National Mall that was busy but not unbearably crowded, and Sam and Josh found seats at the bar and each ordered a beer. They started chatting, about bills and speeches and insufferable Congressmen and predictions for the next polls, then transitioning to non-political stuff, like the fact that because of their ridiculous schedules, neither of them had seen a movie in theaters in over a year, and how they definitely needed to find one to go to whenever they had three hours to spare (Josh tried not to think of it as a potential date). It was casual. It was comfortable. It was nice. Josh knew he should limit his alcohol intake, because he was completely self-aware of his typical drunken behavior (specifically what had happened the last time he got drunk with Sam), and wanted to remain in complete control of his actions. He sipped his second beer more slowly and was only about halfway finished when Sam ordered his third. Everything was warm, and the lights were dim, and Sam was so, _so_ pretty, and Josh thought he had either somehow already had too much to drink or he needed more if he was going to deal with these stupid feelings in his chest and his head, but as it stood, he still had his wits about him, so he elected to stop after two.

Despite Sam’s protesting ( _“I had three and you had two, Josh, it’s only fair that I pay”_ ), Josh paid the bill for both of them, and they grabbed their coats and walked out into the chilly night. People brushed by them, mostly businessmen on their way from the office or to dinner, or couples on dates, but no one paid them much attention.

“Wanna take a walk?” Josh asked, and Sam nodded. They headed toward the Mall and walked aimlessly for a bit, past monuments and fountains and benches.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to get used to living here,” Sam said, a light smile on his lips. They were about halfway down the reflecting pool now, facing the Lincoln Memorial. He looked back over his shoulder at the Washington Monument. “I always wanted to work in D.C. Don’t get me wrong, I loved New York too, and California, but it’s just… different. All the history and stuff. There’s so much here, and it’s all on display. It’s different than New York, you know? And you really don’t get that at all in California. Everything there is so new. Sorry, I’m rambling.” He smiled sheepishly, and Josh wanted to kiss him.

“You’re fine.” Josh laughed. He loved when Sam went on tangents. It was a habit of his, one that he tried to control around most people, but Josh liked it. He liked hearing Sam’s thoughts about anything and everything, even the stuff that seemed trivial. “I know what you mean. Washington is great. California’s a bit warmer, though. Don’t you miss the sun?”

“It’s been alright here.” He looked at Josh and smiled.

Comfortable silence fell over them for a few moments. Josh’s mind was racing. Was he supposed to do something else? He initiated the outing (he refused to call it a date). Weren’t they supposed to hold hands or kiss or something? Sam didn’t seem too bothered, but Josh wasn’t sure he always knew how Sam’s brain worked. He usually did, but in moments like this, when he couldn’t quite discern the thoughts going through Sam’s mind, he second guessed himself more than he cared to admit. Josh wasn’t stupid. He considered himself a smart person, generally, but when it came to his feelings for Sam, he lost all ability to think coherently.

He took a diving leap off the cliff and slowly slid his hand over Sam’s. Sam jolted at the contact and yanked his hand away. He turned to face Josh, his eyes asking a question that his mouth then vocalized. “What are you doing?”

Josh balked. He panicked, and he knew Sam could see it in his face.

“I’m sorry — I didn’t — I thought…” He gulped and shook his head. _Sam doesn’t feel the same way about you and now he hates you and you ruined everything. Good job Josh, you fucked it up again._ “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

“Sorry for what?”

“For doing that. I’m sorry. I should’ve known it would make you uncomfortable, and I think I’ve been reading this situation wrong, and I’m sorry. Sorry.”

“You think that made me uncomfortable?”

Josh nodded slightly, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. He looked down at the ground. Sam stepped closer and ran his hand down Josh’s left forearm, and even through three layers of clothing, Josh felt his skin burn beneath Sam’s touch. Sam tugged lightly at his sleeve until Josh removed his hand from his pocket, and Sam slid his own hand into Josh’s. He laced their fingers together, and Josh lost all ability to think. His mind went blank, and everything except for Sam’s touch disappeared. His hand felt like it was engulfed in flames.

“Sam?” he asked, softer than usual, lifting his head to make eye contact. Sam’s face was surprisingly close to his, and his eyes were strikingly blue, and Josh imagined he was diving into them, drowning in them.

“Josh, for someone so goddamn smart, you’re really, really stupid sometimes.” His free hand moving up to grab Josh’s tie, Sam pulled Josh closer and pressed their lips together. Josh froze until his brain finally realized that _Holy shit, I’m kissing Sam Seaborn_ , except he wasn’t, and _Holy shit, Sam Seaborn is kissing **me**_ , so he forced his body to catch up and returned the kiss, his right hand abandoning his pocket and settling on Sam’s hip.

He was kissing Sam Seaborn. Sam Seaborn was kissing him. He and Sam were kissing. Surprisingly, it didn’t burn like he had always expected it would. Sam’s lips were pleasantly warm and soft, his mouth moving slowly, almost curiously, against Josh’s. Josh tried to remember the last time he had been kissed like this, but couldn’t think of any. He couldn’t tell whether that was because it had never happened, or because kissing Sam had wiped his mind clean of everyone who had come before. He squeezed his eyes more tightly closed, trying to memorize everything that he was feeling in that moment: the way Sam’s fingers were tangled in his, the way Sam radiated heat even with the cold air surrounding them, the way Sam was lightly pulling on his tie, even though it was entirely unnecessary now. There was no way Josh was moving without being dragged away. He squeezed Sam’s hip lightly, and it felt so _right_ to be touching Sam like this, for Sam to be touching him, and Josh thought he might have been in heaven. He was kissing Sam Seaborn.

Sam smiled into the kiss and pulled away. “I really hope _I_ wasn’t reading the situation wrong this time.”

Josh shook his head, and tried to speak, but his brain and his mouth had apparently become disconnected, because all he could do was stare. Sam’s smile widened, and he pressed another kiss to the corner of Josh’s mouth.

“C’mon, let’s go back to my apartment. Never know when the press is gonna be hiding in the bushes.” Josh gulped and nodded again, because that was the only way he could communicate now, through head movements, and Sam pulled him by the arm towards the street.

—

Josh woke up with one arm wrapped around Sam’s waist, the other pinned down by Sam’s weight, and Sam’s back flush against his chest. He was faced with an overwhelming amount of _Sam_ , and it was the best thing he had ever experienced. He forgot how to breathe for a second, but he was willing to sacrifice oxygen for the rest of his life if it meant keeping Sam like this. He stayed as still as possible, terrified that any small movement would disrupt Sam’s sleep. Half of him was thinking that there was no way this could be real. There was no way that he was really in bed with Sam Seaborn. He tried to force himself to break out of the dream, but Sam’s weight on his arm, Sam’s warm skin against his own, and the slow movement of Sam’s chest up and down were too real. Josh finally caught his breath.

He had ended up in Sam’s bed on the first date. Sam had invited him to his apartment on the first date. _Holy shit_. Josh breathed in and out slowly, trying to force his muscles to relax. His right arm, tucked under Sam’s body, was numb, but he couldn’t bring himself to care all that much. Sam still fit perfectly against him in this position, and Josh guessed that Sam would fit perfectly against him in any position. They were like puzzle pieces. It sent a strange wave of warmth through Josh’s chest.

A few minutes later, Sam began to stir, stretching out his legs and snuggling back into Josh’s chest. Josh smiled to himself. Sam turned over so they were face to face, and Josh’s arm was finally freed. He tried not to look too relieved, because he would’ve given anything for Sam to stay exactly where he had been for the next week and a half, feeling in his limbs be damned. Sam opened his eyes, and Josh was once again blown away by how pretty they were. They were even prettier up close. He could have stared into Sam’s eyes forever. _Jesus Christ, Lyman, pull yourself together._ Sam was turning him into a fucking sap.

“Morning,” Sam murmured, voice rough. Josh held back a groan. He had heard Sam’s morning voice before and had always tried to ignore how it had sent a wave of warmth down his body, but now he could fully enjoy it. The only thing hotter than Sam’s voice, he thought, was Sam himself, still half asleep and groggy, his hair a mess and lips still just the tiniest bit swollen from the previous night.

“G’morning,” he whispered. Sam smiled tiredly.

“What time is it?”

Josh lifted his head to check the clock. “Almost ten.”

Sam nodded slowly and shifted closer to Josh, who wrapped his arms back around him. Josh couldn’t believe what was happening right now. He had been pining after Sam for a _decade_ , and here they were, laying together half naked in Sam’s bed, a sleepy Sam secure in Josh’s arms. He sent a silent _thank you_ to whoever might have been up there listening.

It took a couple more moments for Sam to fully wake up. He lifted his head from Josh’s chest and kissed him slowly. Josh could’ve sworn he had just been electrocuted. Nope, he was never going to get used to that.

“You okay?” Sam asked. “You look like I just killed your hamster.”

“That’s a mental image I definitely didn’t need,” Josh joked. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just — it’s still sinking in, I guess.”

“Which part?”

“Uh, all of it? You liking me back? You kissing me? You, you know… everything.” God, he sounded like a high schooler. Sam _liked_ him. As if it was some kind of stupid crush. Josh dragged his gaze down Sam’s body, taking in his bare torso, his nicely tanned skin, unusual and unfair for November in Washington, and the dark red and purple marks Josh had scattered across his chest and hips the night before when Sam had dragged him into his bed. He smiled, greatly enjoying the view. Sam kissed him again. Josh hummed softly against his lips. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

“I’m just glad you finally pulled your head out of your ass and asked me out, dumbass. I’ve only been trying to drop hints for a month now.”

“You… what?”

“Ever since you came out to me, genius. Frankly, I had given up. Thought you were either too stupid to notice or too nice to reject me. Figured it had to be the first one, though, because you’re not that nice.”

“You thought _I_ didn’t notice?” Josh shook his head in disbelief. “You think _I’m_ the stupid one? I’ve been dreaming of this for _years_.”

“Years?” Sam grinned, pride crossing his features.

Josh rolled his eyes. “Don’t get a big head, Seaborn.”

“I will get a big head. It’s justified in this situation. You had a crush on me.”

“Well, apparently you had one on me, too!”

Sam's smile only widened. “Still. You _liked_ me.”

“Either way, I’m not the stupid one.”

“Josh, I literally fell asleep in your arms the night of the state dinner.” Sam raised an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure you’re the stupid one.”

Josh felt himself blush. “I didn’t want to assume anything.”

“You’re stupid.”

“Okay, I can kind of see your point.”

“I thought you were going to kiss me that night.” Sam seemed almost sad about it. Josh mentally kicked himself. He had wasted hours (days, really, if he was totally honest) of his life thinking about kissing Sam, about risking everything just to kiss Sam once, and the entire time, Sam would have kissed him back. Sam was right. He was stupid.

“I wanted to,” he admitted easily.

“If you had, we could have been in this position a month ago.”

“My bad.”

Sam laughed quietly and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “You’re a dumbass.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” He smiled, then faltered. “Hey, by the way, I’m, uh, sorry about last night.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For not… I didn’t know if you wanted to… you know.”

“Have sex?” Josh swallowed and nodded. Sam shook his head. “Josh, I’m a full-grown man. I don’t _always_ fuck on the first date. I have some self-control. Besides, it’s not like you were practicing _chastity_.” His tone was light and teasing. Josh glanced back at the collection of bruises lining Sam’s collarbone. “I never would’ve forced you to do something you’re not comfortable with. No pressure. We can go at your pace with this.”

Josh let out a deep breath. Had someone hacked into his brain and created Sam in a computer? It was the only explanation. He had never met anyone who understood him as well as Sam did. No one who was so tuned in to Josh’s needs and wants. No one who cared so much about Josh’s comfort. Sam Seaborn bordered on absolute perfection.

“Can I ask you something?” It was a whisper, and Josh almost missed it.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Have you ever been with a guy before?”

Josh chewed his bottom lip. “No.”

“Ever kissed a guy?”

“Once.” He didn’t really want to elaborate.

It had happened senior year of college. He had been completely wasted, and the party had been loud and crowded, and when Nick leaned in to kiss him sloppily, beer spilling out of his cup as they fell onto the couch, Josh hadn’t exactly been able — or wanted — to say no. But it hadn’t done anything to help him figure out his feelings; he was somehow even more confused after the kiss than he had been before it. He had spent the next four months avoiding Nick at all costs, and always pretended he had been too drunk to remember the night when someone tried to bring it up. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about it since.

Sam was the first man — first _person_ , really — Josh had let himself really fall for. It wasn’t like he had much of a choice. Sam’s bright pretty eyes and contagious smile and clear, happy laugh and warm hands and nice hair and toned body and genius brain… Josh had been done for the second they had met. For the first few years, he had tried desperately to ignore it. He had pushed the feelings to the side and tried, in vain, to feel something for somebody, anybody else — preferably a woman. He had gone on dates, hooked up with women, tried to make himself feel _anything_ for them. But he always ended up coming back to Sam. Sam had been a bad penny in Josh’s thoughts for ten years, always turning up at the most inconvenient moments. Every few months, Sam tore back into his mind like a natural disaster, and after half a decade of trying over and over to prevent it, Josh finally let down his defenses and allowed Sam to overtake him. And overtake him Sam had. Sam was a tsunami that had rushed through Josh’s life, uprooting everything he thought he knew about relationships and feelings and life. And now, years after Sam had changed everything, Josh was in Sam’s bed.

“You’ve been with men before.” He didn’t need to ask; he already knew the answer. Sam nodded.

“A few, yeah. Never anything super long term, though.”

“Long term’s not really your thing?” Josh tried not to let how interested he was in the answer show.

“I think you’re forgetting I was engaged once.” Sam raised an eyebrow.

Josh shrugged. “No, but since then, I mean.”

“I guess I was just having trouble finding the right person.”

Josh’s cheeks flushed, and he looked away. He cleared his throat. “So, you’re… experienced.”

That earned him a soft laugh. “I guess so. If you want to call it that.”

“More experienced than me.”

“With men, sure.”

“What about women? Not counting, you know, the engagement thing.”

“Yeah. Women can’t get enough of my geeky ass.” He laughed quietly. “I dunno. The last few years, not as much. Work doesn't leave much time for dating. You know that. I think Laurie was the last time I had a _thing_. But I was a total player in college, you know.” Josh rolled his eyes. Sam huffed indignantly. “I was! I was quite a catch back in the good old days.”

 _You’re still a catch now_ , Josh thought, but he was too embarrassed to say it out loud. It would only stroke Sam’s ego, anyway, and as much as he had every right to be as confident as he was, Josh didn’t want to admit just how into Sam he was. Not yet. He was still half convinced it was some kind of fluke — Sam wasn’t actually into him at all. It didn’t make any sense that someone like Sam could be attracted to someone like Josh. But the situation contradicted his thoughts, and he couldn’t exactly argue with the fact that Sam had invited him back to his apartment and asked him to spend the night, or with the fact that Sam was now leaving a trail of kisses down Josh’s neck to his collarbone, his hands settling on Josh’s hips as he leaned over him. Josh shivered, eyes fluttering shut as Sam’s lips burned his skin.

“What’s next?” he risked quietly asking.

Sam looked up, and he regretted breaking the silence, because he now all he wanted was Sam’s mouth back on him. “Well, I could go for breakfast, but I can’t guarantee that I have anything good left. Haven’t had a chance to go grocery shopping in a while. Might have some stale cereal.”

Josh swallowed the lump that was rising in his throat. Despite how different the entire situation was, he tried to remind himself that this was still _Sam_. Just Sam. “I mean with us.”

“What about us?”

“Is this, like, a one-time thing?”

Sam paused, and Josh could practically see the gears turning in his head. “…do you _want_ it to be a one-time thing?”

“No.” He could answer that immediately, not even caring if he sounded desperate. “God, no. I — uh, I’d like it to be something else. As long as that’s what you want.” He wanted it to be a thousand-time thing, a million-time thing, a forever thing. He just hoped Sam wanted the same.

“I’d like that, too.” Sam smiled and leaned in to kiss Josh again. Josh, feeling more confident now, pulled him in closer and deepened the kiss, biting lightly at Sam’s bottom lip. Sam groaned against his mouth, and Josh grinned into the kiss but was quickly distracted by Sam tugging his lip between his teeth. Josh made a soft, pleased noise and tangled his fingers in Sam’s hair. Kissing Sam was his new favorite hobby. Forget work. He wanted to make a career out of making out with Sam, of laying in Sam’s bed and drawing small moans and gasps from Sam’s lips. Sam shifted their position so that he was hovering over Josh, hands splayed on the mattress on either side of Josh’s head. He pulled back a little, forcing Josh to lift his head to keep their lips together. He did, happily. He thought that maybe he had been placed on this earth for the sole purpose of kissing Sam Seaborn.

They finally broke apart, and Josh opened his eyes to meet Sam’s. Sam’s lips and cheeks were both red, and a grin crossed his face as he looked down at Josh.

“You know, for only having kissed one guy before,” Sam said cheekily, “you’re pretty good at this.” Josh laughed breathlessly. If all men were as perfect as Sam Seaborn, he definitely would have started kissing them a whole lot earlier in his life.

“I think I might need some more practice, honestly.”

“Oh, that was smooth.”

“Did it work?”

“Surprisingly enough, yeah, it did.” Sam leaned back in and kissed him again. Josh started drafting his resignation letter in his head. _Sorry, Mr. President, I need more time in my schedule to spend with Sam. Thanks for the wonderful opportunities you’ve given me, but I found something a lot more enjoyable than dealing with Congress._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) john hoynes has no rights 2) i fucking adore joey lucas (she and josh are best friends and you cannot change my mind) and she is a LESBIAN I will die on this hill 3) josh is stupid 4) we love cute soft boys <3 ((also kudos are great and comments make my day so if u wanna make me happy leave one or both of those :D))


	4. Chapter 4

Josh was not the kind of person who did things slowly. He was similarly incapable of doing anything halfway. When he did something, he went all the way all the time. It was true in school, in his career, and now in his relationship with Sam. Once he had realized that the warm affection he had for his best friend was more than just platonic, he had fallen fast and fallen hard. And when Sam actually, by some miracle, returned that affection, Josh had been done for immediately (though he did his best to hide it). Maybe it had something to do with no longer needing to be scared out of his mind by falling for a guy. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was _Sam_. Sam, who would never have judged Josh for being gay even if he wasn’t bisexual. Sam, who was there with him through thick and thin, who was there when Noah had died, waiting at the airport with a drink and hugs when Josh returned from Connecticut, who was there when Josh had first started having his panic attacks, who coaxed Josh into opening up, who Josh could be totally honest with about absolutely everything. Sam, who was one of the few people Josh believed actually, truly cared about him.

Besides the inconvenience of having to sneak around, his private life had only gotten better since the night of their first date. Work, on the other hand, was still, well, work.

Josh collapsed into his chair and rubbed his eyes, muttering under his breath. He had about two seconds of peace before there was a knock on his door.

“What?” he sighed.

“Congresswoman Lewis is here to see you,” Donna said. Josh groaned quietly.

“Damnit. Yeah, alright, send her in.” He straightened up and fixed his tie. He stood up and shook Lewis’ hand as she walked in. “Congresswoman, good to see you. Have a seat.” He gestured to the chair opposite his and then sat back down. “What can I do for you?”

“The infrastructure bill being introduced after the break. Congressmen Banks, Schiff, Merriweather, and I want to introduce an amendment for allocating funds for road repair in the midwestern states. Specifically, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Illinois.”

“Road repair? Isn’t that usually the state’s responsibility?”

“Normally, yes, but they’re a little behind this year on funds. It would just be a boost to help them improve the roads this coming construction season. Dealing with potholes and the like, you know. And since we’re already introducing an infrastructure bill, it seems only fair that road repair is included in the states that need it most.”

“How much are you considering asking for?”

“We still need to have a few meetings with economic advisors, and I’m sure you would, too, but frankly, we’ll take whatever you can spare. And, if you can, help us pull some more support on this. I know you know some of the Republican reps who might be willing to support this. I’m pretty sure road repair is a bipartisan issue, but I’ve made a few enemies that just loving blocking anything I propose.”

He nodded. “Alright, I’ll talk to some people and see what we can do. Anything else?”

“No. Thanks, Josh.” She shook his hand again. “Have a great holiday.”

“You too, Congresswoman.”

Josh jotted a few things down on his notepad, then asked Donna to set up a meeting with the senior economists for the following week. He gathered his things and went over to the Oval Office to discuss the meeting with the President, as he liked to be in the loop when delegates came to the senior staff.

“Morning, Charlie.”

“Hey, Josh. He’ll be done in just a minute.” Charlie returned to reading his textbook.

“What class is that for?”

“Philosophy.”

“Gross.”

“Tell me about it.” He glanced over his shoulder as the door to the Oval Office opened and Toby and Sam exited the room. Toby nodded to Josh. Sam smiled at him, and Josh felt his face get a little warm.

“Hey, Josh,” Sam said. “How did the meeting with Lewis go?”

“Hm? Oh, fine. Some of the midwestern reps want to add an amendment to the infrastructure bill. Something about potholes.”

“Michigan?”

“Yeah, one of them.”

“If it’s fixing potholes, it’s got my full support. You ever driven in Michigan?”

“Can’t say I have, no.”

“I don’t recommend it. See you, Charlie.”

“Bye, Sam.” Charlie cleared his throat. “You can go on in, Josh.” Josh thanked him and walked into the office. Bartlet was sitting at his desk reading over a memo. Josh stood by the couch, hands clasped behind his back.

“Good morning, Mr. President.”

“Morning, Josh.” He looked up and removed his glasses. “Have you brought me a Christmas present?”

“If you consider a road repair amendment a Christmas present, then yes, I guess so, sir.”

Bartlet considered it for a second. “Are they asking me for money?”

“Well, not you specifically, but yes.”

“Then I suppose it counts as _us_ giving _them_ a present. When are they going to get me something?”

“I don’t know if they’re required to buy you a Christmas present, sir, as disappointing as that is.”

“Why did I even become President then?”

“I couldn’t tell you.”

“When are _you_ going to get me something, Josh?”

“I could buy you some socks,” he offered. Bartlet laughed.

“Tell me what we’re looking at.” He leaned forward in his chair. Josh handed him a few papers and briefly explained the bill and what it would look like with the proposed amendment, adding that he would still need to meet with economic advisors before making a final suggestion to the midwestern delegates. Bartlet thanked him and dismissed him, wishing him a merry Christmas. He appreciated the gesture and decided not to remind him that he didn’t celebrate Christmas. He didn’t want to ruin the President’s cheery holiday mood.

—

Josh slammed the file drawer shut. “Donna!”

She appeared in the doorway, arms crossed. “What do you want now?”

“Donna, I’m free. I’m free as a bird. I’m done. It is six o’clock on a Friday, and it is a long weekend, and I am _done_.”

“Wonderful. Does that mean I’m free, too?”

“I guess so. Did you return that call to… what’s his face? About the textbook thing?”

“Yes, I did. You’ll have a meeting with them late next week.”

“Perfect. Thanks, Donna. Have a good Christmas.”

“You’re shockingly cheerful today. I don’t like it. Are you sick?”

“There’s so much to be cheerful about, my dear Donnatella. The sun is shining, the birds are singing…”

“It’s December. Where are the birds and sunshine?”

“It’s about the imagery.”

“You’re weird. I’ll see you next week.”

Josh gathered his things into his bag and put his coat on. He turned off his desk lamp and left his office, feeling incredibly light on his feet. He called a goodbye to CJ, who responded with something he didn’t fully hear, but he was too excited about leaving to care all that much. It was snowing outside, fat flakes coming down and blanketing the lawn of the White House already. He watched them melt on his jacket sleeve for a moment. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to see Sam.

“Hey,” Sam said softly. “Ready?” They started walking down Pennsylvania Avenue, comfortable silence only broken by the sound of their shoes on the snow-dusted pavement. Shivering a little bit, Josh wrapped his scarf more tightly around his neck. Once they were a safe distance from where anyone who cared would recognize them, he allowed himself to indulge in staring at Sam. The snow was falling heavier now, and Sam’s hair was full of small white flakes. His cheeks were red from the cold. Josh felt a smile make its way onto his face. Sam glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.

“You’re pretty,” Josh said softly.

Sam smiled and dropped his head, and Josh thought he saw his cheeks turn a little redder. “Shut up.”

They removed their coats, now saturated with water from the melted snow, in Sam’s front hallway and hung them up on the hooks on the wall. Sam undid his tie as he walked into the kitchen, but left it hanging around his neck. Josh did the same. He leaned back against the counter and watched as Sam searched through the fridge for a minute before emerging victoriously with an _aha!_ and two bottles of beer. He passed one to Josh, who took it gratefully, then pulled Sam in and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. 

“Pizza or Chinese?” Sam asked.

Josh hummed thoughtfully. “Pizza.”

Sam grabbed a menu from a drawer and ordered the pizza for them. They settled in on the couch, sitting against opposite arms with their legs overlapping in the middle. Sam grabbed a blanket and threw it over their legs. Josh relaxed back against the cushions and let out a pleased sigh.

Sam turned the TV on to a football game but left the volume low, so they could just barely here the announcers speaking. Josh was too busy staring at Sam to focus much on sports, but Sam seemed invested in the game. Josh sipped his beer slowly, enjoying the warmth and comfort of Sam’s apartment and Sam’s presence. They hadn’t been alone like this since two weekends earlier; they were so overworked that they didn’t even think about staying at the other’s house, just went straight home at the end of the day to get as much sleep as possible before returning to the White House the next morning.

When the doorbell rang, Sam groaned. Josh smiled at him as Sam threw his half of the blanket towards Josh, forcing himself to his feet to go collect their food. “I’m tipping him from your wallet.”

“Fine. But if you take any more than that, I’m gonna notice.” Josh gave him a pointed look. Sam rolled his eyes.

“You’re cheap, Lyman.” He left to collect their food, and returned a couple minutes later with a box of pizza in his hands.

“God bless,” Josh said. “America is truly built on the backs of pizza delivery drivers. I love this country.” Sam sat back down on the couch, balancing the box on top of their legs and grabbing a slice for himself. Josh followed suit.

Once the beer and pizza were gone, Josh placed his empty bottle and the box on the coffee table and shifted himself over closer to Sam. Sam looked at him and smiled, holding out an arm and straightening his legs so Josh could squeeze in. He laid on top of Sam’s chest and breathed in slowly. Sam’s arm came to rest around his upper back, and he tapped Josh’s shoulder blade, then flattened his hand and rubbed slow, gentle circles through his shirt. Josh let his eyes flutter closed, Sam’s breathing and the quiet noise of the TV lulling him into sleep.

He woke a little while later to Sam whispering his name. Blinking slowly, he looked up at Sam’s smiling face. Sam leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Wanna go to bed?”

Josh nodded and reluctantly broke himself out of Sam’s warm grasp to stand up. They went into Sam’s bedroom. Sam pulled him in by his shirt, kissing him again, deeper this time. Josh hummed into the kiss, reaching up to unbutton Sam’s shirt. He tugged the fabric over Sam’s shoulders and let the shirt drop to the floor. He felt Sam smile as he did the same to Josh. Sam then slowly pushed Josh backwards until he felt the back of his legs hit the mattress, and he sat down and pulled Sam in closer. He could barely remember a time when he wasn’t allowed to kiss Sam. He wanted to kiss Sam forever, until both of their lips were raw and sore and they physically couldn’t anymore. He had spent so goddamn long thinking about kissing Sam, thinking about how gentle and soft his lips would be, and it was everything he had imagined and more. Sam was warm and soft and familiar. Kissing Sam felt like a blessing, like it was something he didn’t really deserve but got anyway. Maybe the universe didn’t have it out for him after all.

They let it drag on, the kiss gradually deepening, then getting softer, then deepening again. Josh was laying on his back, Sam hovering above him, propped up on his hands. Josh wanted him closer, and demonstrated so much, wrapping his arms around Sam’s neck and pulling him down so their chests were touching. Happier now, Josh lifted his hips up to Sam’s and was extremely pleased with the small noise that escaped Sam’s lips.

Sam pulled back, and Josh chased the kiss before opening his eyes to meet Sam’s gaze. Sam was smiling, bright blue eyes staring directly into Josh’s soul.

“God, I’m lucky,” he whispered. Josh’s cheeks flushed and he looked away. Sam hummed quietly. “Josh.”

“ _You’re_ lucky?” He laughed softly. “Sam, have you met yourself? Have you _seen_ yourself?”

“Yes, I have. I don’t see how that affects how lucky I am that Josh Lyman is in my bed right now.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“Are you gonna make me?”

Taking it as a challenge, Josh growled playfully and surged up to connect their lips again.

—

His skin was boiling under the covers, but he didn’t mind one bit. Sam kept his bedroom ridiculously cold all the time (something about it being better to sleep in a cold room, apparently), and Josh had absolutely no desire to leave their little blanket cave and expose himself to the biting air. He pulled Sam closer to him, tightening his arms around Sam’s waist. Sam’s back was pressed against his chest, his hair in Josh’s face, their legs tangled together underneath the sheets. He pressed a soft kiss behind Sam’s ear, earning a quiet, pleased noise.

“Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“You awake?”

“No,” Sam deadpanned. Josh rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be an ass.”

Sam shifted against him, and Josh bit back a groan. “I would _never_.”

“Sam?”

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” Sam teased.

Josh took a deep breath and swallowed nervously. “Do you think this is going to get us in trouble?”

Sam rolled over to face him, eyebrows furrowing. “In trouble? With whom?” Josh bit back the urge to tease him for saying _whom_. This was a serious conversation. 

“Leo. The President. Congress, maybe. America.” He chewed his bottom lip. “I don’t know. It just feels like… I don’t know, like we’re doing something wrong.”

“What are we doing wrong? It’s not like we’re engaging in some massive conspiracy. We’re just — just dating.”

It was the first time one of them had mentioned the _D_ word. It sounded uncomfortable coming from Sam’s mouth, like his tongue wasn’t familiar with the shape of the word. Josh paused for a moment to let it sink in. Him and Sam. _Dating_. It seemed… right.

“Dating,” he mused out loud.

“Are we not?” Sam looked slightly nervous.

“I mean, you never asked.”

“ _I_ never asked? What about you?”

“Aren’t you the man in the relationship?”

“Josh, we’re gay. The whole idea behind this relationship is that we’re _both_ men.” He rolled his eyes, but the impact was lessened by the smile on his lips. “And you were the one who asked me out first, so I think it should have been your responsibility to make it official.”

“You’re such a high schooler,” Josh teased. “So, we’re dating? _Officially?_ "

“I guess we are.”

“Does that make us… boyfriends, I guess?” He scrunched his nose. “There has to be a better word than that. We’re adults, for Christ’s sake. Adults don’t have _boyfriends_.”

“What would you prefer? _Romantic partner_?” Sam asked cheekily. “Hey, everyone, this is my _partner_ , Josh.”

“Gross, no. That’s even worse.” He sighed dramatically. “Boyfriends will do.” Sam Seaborn was his boyfriend. He tried his best to hide how giddy the idea made him. He was dating Sam Seaborn. Sam Seaborn was dating him. Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn were boyfriends.

Sam grinned and kissed his cheek. “Hey, boyfriend.”

Josh’s heart soared in his chest, and he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. It felt like everything was falling into his place. After more than a decade of being with Sam, but not being _with_ him, it seemed like they had finally found a word to describe what they had been stumbling towards, as erratic as their path had been, since the day they first met. Josh wished he could go back in time and nudge his younger self along quicker, tell him _“That’s Sam Seaborn, and he’s really special. Keep him as close as you can.”_ He wondered what their lives would be like if he had known back then that he and Sam shared something in common beyond their political aspirations, and that Sam, for whatever reason, would return Josh’s feelings. He wondered if he would have ever had the guts to ask Sam out even if he had known.

Josh didn’t believe in fate. He thought astrology was stupid and fortune-tellers were a scam. When people talked about “destiny,” he rolled his eyes. No one had a plan laid out for his entire life. Not a god, not some powerful omniscient force, and definitely not the stars. But somehow, he felt like he and Sam were meant to find each other. As if there was something pushing him towards the stupidly smart law school student that never knew when to keep his mouth shut. Some inner voice, something deep inside him, that was telling him _this is the one_ , even though he didn’t understand it way back then. No, Josh didn’t believe in fate, or destiny, or any of that other bullshit, but if there was such thing as a soulmate, he guessed that Sam Seaborn would be it. They fit like puzzle pieces. Sam filled in the jagged pieces that Josh was composed of, smoothing them out and bringing sense into his life.

“Now that we have that sorted,” he said, “are we going to get in trouble?”

“Do you want to tell anyone?” Sam bit his lip. “If you wanted, we could at least tell senior staff. And Donna, probably. It might make it worse if we lie about it. But I don’t know. I’ve never been in this position before.”

“We don’t need to _lie_ , just — well, not tell the whole truth.” They worked in politics. Not telling the whole truth was the name of the game. Men throughout history had lied about much darker things than their relationships. It wasn’t like them dating affected the American public. “Does anyone know about you?”

“Toby does.”

“How did Toby find out?”

“I told him.” Sam shrugged, like it was the simplest thing in the world. Josh wondered what it would be like if he could be so nonchalant about discussing his sexuality as Sam was.

“And?”

“And he’s _Toby_. He was completely fine with it. Barely even reacted. He doesn’t give a shit about what I do as long as I keep writing half-decent speeches. We’re a White House full of liberals, Josh, I don’t think anyone is going to want to burn as at the stake.”

“Not by ourselves, no, but being together complicates it a bit, doesn’t it?”

Sam sighed. “I don’t know. If you want to keep it a secret for now, that’s okay. I don’t think there’s any reason to rush it right now. It’s only been a month anyway. We can just see where it takes us, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sam leaned in and kissed him. Even if the world would fall apart as soon as everyone found out, at least he had Sam. For now, it was just them. He could live with that for a while. Frankly, he didn’t see why anyone ever _had_ to know. That was, until Sam eventually ran for president (which he would, or Josh would die trying to get him there), and everything would come out anyway… but that was years ahead. They could worry about that later. For now, he was more preoccupied with Sam’s lips, with Sam slowly kissing down his neck to his collarbones and leaving marks there that Josh wore like a badge that read _Property of Sam Seaborn_.

They barely left Sam’s bed the next day, except to use the bathroom or grab food before returning to eat it under the covers. Sam had been engrossed in a novel for most of the day, because the opportunities to relax and read a book were few and far between. Josh couldn’t think of anything remotely productive to do, not when Sam was sitting up next to him, shirtless and sleepy and with the most adorable look of concentration on his face. It was Josh’s favorite version of Sam — soft, casual, comfortable. The Sam that barely anyone else got to see, the Sam that only half-emerged when it was three in the morning and they were still working in the Roosevelt room, empty takeout containers strewn across the table, and Sam untied his tie and untucked his shirt and allowed himself to look slightly less professional than usual. Josh felt possessive of this Sam. White House Sam wasn’t anybody’s. Sam in his suits and button-downs and dress shoes, that was the Sam that belonged to himself and to the world. This Sam, though, was Josh’s. To remind himself of that, Josh reached over and let his hand brush over the warm skin of Sam’s stomach. Sam looked over and smiled, eyes soft.

“Hey,” he murmured. Josh scooched closer and settled himself against Sam’s side, arm draped over Sam’s waist and head resting on his chest. They stayed like that for a long time, enjoying each other’s company and the peace that came with a day off of work.

———

“Merry Christmas,” Sam whispered against his ear. Josh opened his eyes slowly, stretching his legs and turning to look up at his boyfriend.

“‘m Jewish,” he muttered, still half asleep.

“Does that mean it isn’t Christmas?”

“Means I don’t celebrate, genius.”

“Damn, guess that means you’re not getting a Christmas present, then.” Sam smiled devilishly. Josh furrowed his eyebrows. 

“What’s my present?”

“A wonderful boyfriend.”

“Mmhmm. I see. Lucky me.” He smiled. Sam kissed him deeply, and he groaned quietly, quickly freeing his arms from under the covers to wrap around Sam’s neck. Sam bit teasingly at his bottom lip before pulling away and kissing down his jaw, lips leaving third degree burns in their wake. His lips brushed over Josh’s pulse point, and a soft moan escaped his lips. He felt Sam grin against his skin before lightly biting. Josh let out a sigh and tangled his fingers in Sam’s hair as he worked his way lower and lower until he eventually reached Josh’s hips, his hot breath sending shivers throughout Josh’s entire body. “Fuck, Sam,” Josh whined.

Sam Seaborn was going to be the death of him. What a way to go out.

—

Josh watched blissfully as Sam stretched out next to him. “Merry Christmas, indeed,” he murmured. “But I don’t think Jesus would be very pleased with you.”

“I don’t think Jesus would be pleased with a _lot_ of things, Joshua. I doubt sucking dick is too high on his list when there’s wars to worry about.” Sam leaned over and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“Fair point.” He ran a hand through his hair and grimaced when he realized it had been quite a while since it had been washed. “What would Jesus think about a shower?”

“I don’t know about him, but I’m certainly on board.” Sam got out of bed and stretched, and Josh found himself staring at the lines of his stomach and waist. For someone who was most definitely not a twenty-something year old anymore, Sam was doing quite well for himself. Damn, Josh was lucky.

He found himself feeling slightly guilty for not having a Christmas present for Sam. He had been so busy over the past few weeks that he had completely forgotten. Plus, Donna was the one who helped him pick out gifts. She wouldn’t have known that Sam needed to be added to the list. Josh decided he would buy something extremely nice as soon as the stores were open again (then again, Sam didn’t seem to have _bought_ him a present anyway).

After a shower, they got fully dressed, complete with scarves and gloves, and ventured outdoors. The snow had accumulated over the past day and a half, and a thick layer blanketed the grass and trees. They wandered around Georgetown for a while. The streets were almost empty, everyone locked inside celebrating with their families, but a few people still hurried back and forth, collars pulled up and shoulders hunched against the wind. Sam and Josh walked at a more leisurely pace, taking in the festive decorations that lined the sidewalks. Josh kept his hands tucked in the pockets of his jacket. Sam’s, covered by his gloves, swung at his sides as he walked, and Josh kept glancing down at the hand closest to him. It took everything in his power not to reach for it. They couldn’t risk it. Even with so few people out, there was always the chance that someone would recognize them. Josh would give anything to be able to freely walk through the city holding Sam’s hand. If there would be no staring, no judgmental looks from mothers with children, no whispering between college students when their eyes fell on two men holding hands. Josh clenched his fists in his pockets, trying to distract himself from the urge to grab Sam’s hand as a massive _fuck you_ to the world.

The neighborhoods, covered with a layer of white and lined with twinkling lights, felt especially seasonally appropriate. Josh couldn’t remember the last time he had seen a white Christmas like this in Washington. It had been a while. He had forgotten how much he loved them. Even though his family didn’t celebrate Christmas, it just felt right when there was snow on the ground on December twenty-fifth. His chest hurt a little as he thought about the family visits he was missing out on that month. His mom, still up in Connecticut, had been spending time with his aunts and uncle and cousins throughout the month. Josh wasn’t the closest with his extended family, but he missed his mother, and it was always nice to see people for a few days to be reminded of why you didn’t keep in contact.

“Do you miss going home for the holidays?” he asked Sam, hoping he wasn’t weird for being homesick.

“Yeah.” Sam nodded. He smiled sadly. “I mean, ever since my dad, you know… it’s been kind of weird at family gatherings, but I still wish I could go home every once in a while. They understand that it’s not my fault, that working in the White House doesn’t leave much time for visiting, but I still feel bad. I sent my parents their gifts last week, and I gotta remember to call them tonight… but it’s not the same. Yeah, I miss them.”

Josh nodded and risked a light squeeze of Sam’s hand before returning his own to his jacket pocket. Sam looked at him and smiled gratefully.

“I miss my mom a lot,” Josh admitted quietly. “It’s not like she’s alone, but since we lost my dad, I really wanted to be with her, especially for Hanukkah. But asking for eight days off at the end of the year doesn’t exactly go over well.” Josh had always considered himself non-practicing, and his parents had never been very active in their religion when he was a kid, either, but after Joanie had died, his dad had started going to temple a lot more often. Then Noah died, and his mom was suddenly praying and going to temple as often as she could. It made Josh feel a little bit guilty that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do the same. Maybe if he asked Toby if he could go with him one time… yeah, maybe. Being Jewish was one of the few things Josh and Toby had in common, and every once in a while, Josh wished they were close enough to talk about it beyond casual conversation. With his family so far away, it was nice to have someone else around that could relate.

They fell quiet after that, nothing much else to say. Once they were too cold to enjoy being outdoors anymore, they made their way back to Sam’s. Sam made them hot chocolate, and they settled in on the couch again to watch the lame repetitive Christmas movies that were playing one after the other on TV. Josh wrapped one arm around Sam’s shoulders and pulled him closer, and Sam cuddled in against his side, both hands grasping his mug. His hair was still a bit damp from where the snow had melted into it, and his cheeks hadn’t quite yet lost the red tint from the cold. Once again, Josh found himself thinking that he had never seen anyone as beautiful as Sam Seaborn. And they were _boyfriends_. Josh had a boyfriend. With a smile, he gently kissed Sam’s temple before turning his attention back to the TV to watch yet another happy straight couple find love at Christmas.

———

It had been a while since Josh had consistently been able to sleep through the night. Four out of seven nights a week, usually, he would either have trouble falling asleep or wake up at two in the morning and stare blankly up at his ceiling until he managed to drift off again. Sam sleeping with him had helped. Since they started spending nights at each other’s apartments, Josh felt like he had been getting much more rest than he had when he slept alone. There were still some nights he woke up in a cold sweat from nightmares, or laid in the dark for hours, unable to fall asleep, but those nights were easier with Sam wrapped in his arms.

This time, he wasn’t pulled from his sleep by his own discomfort, but by the feeling of Sam shaking slightly against him. As Josh came to, he registered the feeling of warm tears against his neck.

“Sam?” he whispered into the darkness. Sam made a soft noise into his shoulder, and Josh tightened his arms around him. He pressed a light kiss to Sam’s temple. “Shh, babe, it’s okay. You’re alright.” He rubbed Sam’s back in slow, gentle circles. Sam took a shaky breath and lifted his head. Josh’s eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkness, and he could just make out Sam’s face.

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Sam murmured. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. Are you okay?”

Sam nodded, then shook his head. “It was just — just a weird dream. It’s okay.”

“Nightmare?” Josh asked quietly. Sam bit his bottom lip. “It’s okay. I get them, too.”

“You have a reason to,” Sam muttered. Josh furrowed his eyebrows. He lifted one hand to Sam’s face and brushed away a tear with his thumb. Sam sighed and leaned into his touch.

“What was it about?”

“Rosslyn,” he admitted. His voice trembled slightly when he said it, and he squeezed his eyes shut as if he was seeing the scenes from his dream again. Josh kissed his forehead, letting his lips linger for a second.

Josh was all too familiar with nightmares about Rosslyn. He still got them, though not as often as in the first few months following the attack. But they still felt just as real every time — the firecracker-like sound of bullets being fired, the screams, the people around him diving for cover, touching his chest and looking down to see his hands stained red. There was never much after that; he didn’t know what happened after he was hit until he woke up in the hospital, but he remembered the shooting all too vividly. When he jolted awake from the nightmares, alone in his dark bedroom with his sheets strewn across the floor, it took him way too long to calm down, to remember that he was safe at home. His chest always ached afterward — the doctors told him it was all in his head, but it felt so real that Josh didn’t quite believe them.

Sam was still shaking in his arms, and Josh squeezed him tighter. “Sammy, hey. You’re okay. Deep breaths, okay? You’re okay.”

“I wasn’t the one who got shot,” Sam whispered. “I shouldn’t be having nightmares.”

“You were there.”

“I didn’t almost die.” He took a shaky breath. A sharp pain stung Josh’s ribs. “That was you.”

“But I didn’t. I’m still here.” Josh kissed him, emphasizing the fact. He slipped his arm back under the covers, reaching for Sam’s hand. It was warm. Josh laced their fingers together. “I’m here.”

“I lost you.” Sam looked up at him. “That’s what they’re always about — losing you. They always — they’re always taking you away from me, running too fast for me to catch up, and you’re so far away, and I can’t — I couldn’t reach you. I lose you. Every time.” A quiet sob escaped his lips, and he cuddled in closer to Josh, hiding his face against his neck. Josh let go of his hand to wrap his arms around him, whispering soft nonsense into Sam’s hair, just strings of words with no meaning, but it seemed to help, because Sam’s breathing slowly returned to a normal pace and he stopped shaking against Josh’s chest.

“It’s not real, Sammy. I’m right here. You’re not going to lose me, okay? Never. I’m right here.” He kissed Sam’s forehead again. Sam nodded. Josh felt warm lips against his collarbone and slid his hand up to card his fingers through Sam’s hair. His chest was hurting, a dull pain over his ribs beneath his heart.

They had told him he was lucky. A gunshot wound like that, so close to his heart, a collapsed lung, no exit wound… even over a year later, Josh thought maybe he was supposed to have died that night, either spread out on the ground at Rosslyn or on the operating table. Luck. The idea made him want to laugh. As if he had ever been lucky in his entire life, as if the universe had ever been on his side. He didn’t know what it had been that had kept his heart beating that night, but it sure as hell wasn’t luck.

“I’m right here,” he murmured again, as much for himself as for Sam.

Sam looked up at him. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I wasn’t the one who got shot, Josh.”

“So?”

“So why am I having nightmares?”

Josh shook his head. “I don’t think it works like that, Sam. It doesn’t have to happen to you for your brain to torture you with it. After my dad was diagnosed, I had nightmares about getting cancer. Never happened to me. But it was still terrifying. It’s probably the same.”

“But I don’t have nightmares about being shot,” he whispered. “I have nightmares about everything that came after. About losing you.”

“It’s not real. That’s what they told me to remind myself. It isn’t real, and it isn’t happening again. It’s just your brain fucking with you for God knows what reason.” He kissed Sam slowly. “You didn’t lose me, sweetheart. You couldn’t. They saved me, and I’m here, and I’m not leaving.”

Sam nodded. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s okay. You alright to fall back asleep?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted quietly.

“That’s okay.” Josh ran a hand through Sam’s hair again, moving it out of his face. “Just work on taking deep breaths. That’s what they told me to do. Deep breaths. Oxygen’s good for you. Chases away the nightmares.”

Sam cracked a tiny smile. He took a few deep breaths, chest moving steadily up and down against Josh’s. Josh kissed his forehead. Sam’s eyes fluttered shut.

“Good?”

“Yeah, I think so. Better.”

“I’m here if you need me, alright? I promise I’m not going anywhere.” He wouldn’t have been able to even if he tried, even if he wanted to. He wanted to build up walls around them, stay inside, safe, with Sam in his arms out of harm’s way. He never wanted Sam to have another nightmare. He never wanted Sam to believe he could lose him. Josh had made that mistake, once, when he let Sam go, when they lost each other, when he was sure that he was never going to see Sam again. The years without Sam had been worse than Josh would ever admit. Missing Sam was hell. He was never going to let it happen again.

Sam cuddled back against him, and Josh heard him whisper something under his breath, but couldn’t make out the words. He secured his arms back around Sam and pulled him in as tightly as could be comfortable, until their chests were pressed flush against each other and if he concentrated hard enough, he could feel Sam’s heartbeat, steady and constant underneath his skin. It was comforting. He pressed his lips into Sam’s hair, and Sam squeezed his arms around Josh’s waist. Within a few moments, Sam’s breathing evened out as he drifted off, but Josh couldn’t manage to fall back asleep. He laid there quietly in the darkness, listening to the soft sounds of Sam breathing and murmuring in his sleep, and let the comfort of Sam’s presence chase away any and all of the memories of the shooting.

———

It seemed like every inch of the White House was covered with people, all half-drunk on wine and champagne and talking loudly. They wandered throughout the different rooms, and Josh hadn’t yet gotten more than about twenty seconds alone without bumping into someone who wanted to talk with him. The faint noise of string music floated above their heads, and he was finding himself extremely grateful for his therapy, because the sound wasn’t bothering him at all. As much as he had resisted it at the beginning, the time since he first saw Stan and was diagnosed with PTSD had been much easier than the first couple of months after Rosslyn. It was nice to be able to enjoy events and music and parties without having to worry so much about a panic attack in the middle of everything. Sam always kept a careful eye on him, too, making sure Josh had his medications on him or in his office, just in case. Sam was much more responsible than Josh was when it came to those things. The fact that he cared so much about the little things would have been obnoxious coming from anyone else, but Josh found it endearing.

He checked his watch. Half an hour until midnight. He tried not to look too hard for Sam. If they just happened to bump into each other, well, that would be a nice coincidence. For the time being, though, he was stuck trying to entertain some congressmen from the west coast and the Secretary of the Treasury. They were laughing at some story the congressman from Oregon was telling, and Josh joined in, even though he hadn’t heard the first half. Donna appeared at his shoulder and gestured off to the side. Extremely grateful for the distraction, he excused himself from the group and followed her into a much emptier hallway.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“I need you to distract someone for me.”

“Who?”

“Senator Kaye. He’s been trying to flirt with me all night and can’t seem to understand the word _no_. Just distract him long enough that I can sneak away, please?”

Josh’s lip curled. Kaye was notorious for flirting with any and all women, especially the assistants, and more than once Josh had been filled with the urge to punch him in his stupid perfectly white teeth. It was a miracle that he hadn’t yet.

“Of course. Where is he?”

“I left him near the dessert table. Said I needed to run to the ladies’ room.”

“I got you. Also, if you see Sam, tell him I need him for a sec, could you?” She nodded, thanked him, and slipped away through the crowd. 

Josh made a beeline towards Kaye, who was looking extremely dejected, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a miniature cheesecake in the other. Josh greeted him, forcefully cheerful, and launched into an elaborate one-sided conversation about economic policy in the southeast. Kaye, too overwhelmed to weasel his way out of the conversation, listened faux-intently, but Josh could see his beady little eyes darting back and forth, looking for an exit.

Finally, he waved at someone over Josh’s left shoulder. “Sorry, you’ll have to excuse me. I need to go say hello to an old friend of mine.” And then he was gone. Satisfied with his work and knowing he had provided Donna with more than enough time to hide among the crowds in one of the other rooms, Josh grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and leaned against a wall, watching the crowd.

He wouldn’t say he was _periodically_ checking his watch, but he just happened to glance down every five minutes or so. Ten minutes to midnight, and he still hadn’t seen Sam. He sighed and decided to ignore the disappointment in the back of his mind by engaging in conversation with some of the First Lady’s doctor friends, who were eager to talk to him for reasons he didn’t quite understand.

One minute to midnight. The music had quieted down, and everyone had turned their attention to the large clock on the center of the wall, ticking away the seconds until the new year. Josh slipped through the room, champagne glass in hand, and settled in near one of the doorways to enjoy the countdown.

 _“FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!”_ Everyone cheered and raised their glasses, half of them turning to their partners to kiss. Josh lifted his glass and took a sip. It nearly spilled all over his suit as he was dragged into the hallway. He stumbled a bit as he tried to keep up with his kidnapper. He was shoved into the communications bullpen and the door slammed shut behind him, and all of the sudden, Sam’s lips were pressing against his in a surprisingly soft, sweet kiss. He held his champagne glass out of the way and brought his other arm up to wrap around Sam’s lower back. After a moment, Sam pulled back, and they smiled at each other.

“Happy New Year,” Sam whispered. He pushed Josh more firmly against the wall, and Josh groaned softly.

“Indeed it is.” He kissed Sam again. Sam reciprocated immediately, his hands settling comfortably on Josh’s hips. When they broke apart again, Josh lifted his glass and took a sip. Sam seemed quite pleased with himself, bright eyes glinting in the dim light of the offices.

“Donna told me you wanted me.”

“I did. And look, here you are.” He kissed below Sam’s ear.

“Here I am.” He stole the drink out of Josh’s hand and finished it off, then set the empty glass on top of the filing cabinet next to them. “So, got any New Years’ resolutions, Lyman?”

“A few.”

“And what would those be?”

“You’ll see eventually.” He smiled innocently and kissed the corner of Sam’s mouth. He knew they couldn’t stay away from the party for much longer without their absences being conspicuous, so he removed his arms from around Sam and gently pushed him away. “We should probably get back. I don’t want to miss Ginger’s annual drunken kiss offers.”

“Are you gonna take her up on it?” Sam tilted his head.

“Depends. Would it make you jealous?”

“Yes.”

“Then _definitely_.” As he backed away from Sam, the door swung open, and they both jumped and spun around to face the intruder.

Josh straightened out his jacket, clearing his throat and trying to act like he and Sam had been doing anything remotely professional. Sam’s cheeks were noticeably paler than before, and Josh could tell he was doing his best to look as casual as possible.

“Hi, Laura,” Sam said awkwardly.

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt,” the assistant replied, apologetic. “I was just looking for my coat. I thought I left it in here.”

“You weren’t interrupting anything. We were just…” Josh trailed off, mind going blank as he fumbled for an excuse.

“I left my glasses in here. He was helping me look for them,” Sam filled in. Josh glanced at him and raised an eyebrow. Sam shrugged.

Laura looked back and forth between them a couple of times. “…okay. Well, I’m just gonna grab my coat, and I’ll be going.” She retrieved her coat from one of the desk chairs. “Bye. I’ll see you guys.”

Once she was gone, Sam and Josh both let out sighs of relief. Josh’s heart was pounding in his chest. He didn’t want to think about what would have happened if Laura had walked in ten seconds earlier, if she had seen them with their arms wrapped around each other. Josh’s stomach turned. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Josh?” Sam said softly. “Babe, you okay?”

Josh looked over at him. “Yeah, sorry. I’m good. Just stressed me out a little.”

“Me too.” Sam reached over and squeezed his arm. “But we’re good, yeah? She didn’t see anything. It’s fine.” Josh nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat, and managed to smile at Sam. Sam glanced at the door to make sure no one else was going to barge in before leaning in and pressing a quick kiss to Josh’s lips. “We should get back, anyway. Ginger’s probably already making her rounds.” Josh nodded, and he resisted the urge to take Sam’s hand as they left the bullpen to return to the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're boyfriends!!!!! n e way i love josh lyman with my ENTIRE heart pls leave kudos and comments


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick content warning for talk about suicidal thoughts in this chapter. nothing super explicit, but it is discussed, so if you don't want to read that, skip from just after the flashback to the next scene (which starts with leo talking). it's not so important to the plot that you'll be missing any vital information if you decide to skip over it x

Josh slid the keycard into the slot and pulled it out, then wiggled the handle, but nothing happened. He grunted in frustration and tried again.

“Donna!” he whined. She appeared next to him and took the card, opening the door easily. He cleared his throat. “I would’ve figured it out eventually, you know. It’s this damn new technology. It’s a conspiracy to make my life as difficult as possible.”

“I’m sure. But maybe it’s just because you’re an old man.” She handed the key back to him and left to find her own room before he could respond. Josh carried his duffel bag into the room and dropped it on the bed, then examined his surroundings, which were pretty much exactly the same as every other hotel room he had ever stayed in. He checked his watch. They had about half an hour before they needed to be at the town hall, so he quickly splashed some water on his face and redid his tie. There was a group of people already milling about the lobby when he made it downstairs. Sam spotted him from across the room and made his way over.

Josh nodded in greeting. “Hey.”

“Hey. What floor are you on?”

“Fourth. You?”

“Second.” Josh nodded. They would work out later whose room they were going to stay in, but it was impossible to discuss with so many people around. It was hard on them that they had to hide and sneak around so much, but it was kind of thrilling, in Josh’s opinion. There was something fun about being in a secret relationship, even if it was infuriating that he couldn’t just reach out and hold Sam’s hand. If he didn’t think of it as fun, he risked one day going insane or blowing up out of sheer annoyance with conservatives and homophobes.

CJ went over the schedule one more time before they left the hotel. Josh wasn’t quite mentally prepared to deal with a full day of press and people. He had been up since three in the morning; he hadn’t been able to get any more sleep on the plane. He filled a cup of coffee in the lobby, hoping the caffeine boost could at least get him through the first few hours of the day.

Sam knocked his shoulder lightly against Josh’s as they walked out to the cars. Josh glanced at him and raised an eyebrow.

“You okay?” Sam asked quietly.

“Yeah, why?”

“You look tired.”

“I’m fine. Looking forward to today,” he said, faux cheerful, but he could tell Sam wasn't buying it.

“You know we’re meeting with a bunch of second amendment-obsessed right wingers, right? Are you gonna be alright?”

“Damn, I didn’t realize the entirety of Texas was going to be in on this meeting.” He smirked. Sam rolled his eyes. “I’ll be fine, Sam. Don’t worry about me.”

“If you need me to do anything—”

“Nothing. I’m good.” He smiled at Sam as they loaded into the cars. “If they try to say anything to me, I’ll just rip off my shirt and show them my badass scar. Should shut them up, right?” He was only half-joking, and Sam made a pained expression, like he knew Josh was willing to actually follow through.

“Please don’t do that.”

“They can’t stop me.”

“I’ll tell Secret Service to tackle you if it even looks like you’re about to pull your shirt off, Joshua.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “You’re no fun.”

Sam leaned in and muttered in his ear, “I just don’t want anyone else seeing you with your shirt off, babe.”

Josh swallowed hard and glanced around. No one had gotten into the car with them yet, so they were safe. He shook his head. “I swear, Sam.”

“Swear what?” Sam asked cheekily, tilting his head and smiling. “You hold no power here.”

“I hate you. You’re actually the worst.” Their conversation was cut off by CJ and a couple of aides entering the car, and Josh shot Sam a glare before turning to stare out the window as the car pulled away from the hotel and onto the road. CJ made a comment about them being an old married couple, and Josh did his best to hide the blush creeping up onto his face.

The meeting was being held in a community center that reminded Josh more of a school. He shuddered slightly as they walked through the hallways, trying not to let his memories of his own high school experience impact his day. Sam’s presence next to him helped somewhat.

Once they were all seated in a large room with four long tables arranged in a rectangle, the Washington representatives all sitting at one table and faced by the members of the groups who were going to be speaking to them situated at the other three, Josh pulled out his notebook and pen to take notes. It wasn’t like they were going to hear anything new, though; they wanted to talk to the President about gun laws and abortion and gay marriage, probably (a congressman had merely _mentioned_ introducing a gay marriage bill, and half of the country had lost its shit when the information leaked. Josh didn’t see the problem, really). These people were the most exhausting kind to deal with, mostly because they were all so _stupid_. Josh would rather have dealt with the entire United States Congress, because at least they were somewhat educated on the issues. Texans, though, Josh had a bit of a personal prejudice against. But who could blame him? Generally, they loved their guns and despised homosexuals, which made Josh a surefire enemy. He was extremely grateful that the increased security (including the Secret Service) covering the building meant that absolutely no weapons would be let in. He had no desire to face a right-winger like these who also had a gun.

The whole affair proceeded pretty much exactly as Josh predicted: someone would bring up an issue, someone else would explain the White House’s view on it and why, explain that they couldn’t exactly ban all abortions ever or kick every gay out of the country, and then they would move on to the next topic.

Josh was on the verge of falling asleep throughout most of the meeting, and Sam kept kicking his ankle whenever his head would drop a little too far into his hand. The coffee hadn’t helped as much as he had needed it to. He perked up a little, though, when a man stood up and started talking about guns. It was, to many people’s surprise, Josh’s favorite debate topic, but he thought it make perfect sense. After all, he had personal experience in the matter, and with the research Sam had done on gun violence after Rosslyn, Josh was armed to the teeth with facts and statistics. Though it was next to impossible to change minds, he could usually shut people up.

Something was different today, though. Maybe it had something to do with the confederate flag tattoo on the man’s arm, or the pistol tattooed on the other, or the fact that he was trivializing the gun issue as much as he could, or that he had an empty holster on his hip, and it was clear that he hadn’t been happy that he wasn’t allowed to bring a weapon into the room. Whatever the reason, Josh could feel his anxiety beginning to spike. His leg was bouncing up and down, and his palms were getting sweaty. He couldn’t get his eyes to focus. He could only hear half of what people were saying, and even when he did hear the words, his brain didn’t fully comprehend them.

He could see out of the corner of his eye that Sam was glancing at him with increasing concern, and after a minute, he slowly slid his hand, hidden under the table, over Josh’s leg and squeezed lightly. Josh focused on the pressure, trying to shove the panic back. Sam leaned over to whisper in his ear.

“Josh.”

Josh nodded, staring straight ahead. Sam murmured his name again, and he zeroed in on the sound. He managed to turn his head to make eye contact with Sam.

“Go take a break.” Sam kept his voice low. If anyone around them noticed the conversation that was happening, they didn’t indicate it. “Your meds are in your bag.”

“I’m fine,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“Go,” Sam repeated firmly. Josh sighed, knowing Sam wasn’t going to let up. He quietly excused himself as he pushed his chair back and left the room, holding the door so it shut softly, hoping his exit hadn’t disturbed anyone inside. He walked down the hallway, finding it much easier to breathe now that he was out of the room. It was cooler in the hall, and quieter. Josh wandered a bit before coming to a stop around the corner near the bathrooms. He leaned against the wall and took deep breaths, staring up at the ceiling as he mentally went through his exercises. His hands were shaking slightly, and he clenched them into fists to try to stop it.

He hated that his attacks could ruin things so quickly. He had been doing _fine_ for a few weeks now, and of course some idiot had to start ranting about his precious guns. Last time he had gone to his therapist, there had been barely anything to report. It was going to be fun going back for his next appointment. Josh rubbed his chest, focusing on feeling for his heartbeat. It was a bit quicker than it should have been, but not quite as bad as it normally got during an attack. He was fine. Everything was fine.

He had lost track of how long he had been standing there when he heard someone approaching and looked up to see Sam, Josh’s bag slung over his shoulder. He looked worried, like he always did when it came to Josh’s PTSD. It was almost annoying how much he cared sometimes, but, though he would never admit it, Josh was extremely grateful to have someone like Sam looking out for him.

“You alright?” Sam asked gently, reaching out to squeeze Josh’s shoulder. Josh put his hand over Sam’s and nodded.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I grabbed your bag in case you need your meds.”

“I don’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine. I don’t need them.” Sam looked suspicious but didn’t argue. He glanced around and moved his hands to his pockets. Josh cleared his throat. “Did anyone miss me?”

“Not really. CJ told me to check on you, but we did alright without you.”

“Use your statistics?”

“Obviously. And the President brought up Rosslyn. Shut him up pretty quickly, reminding them that they were sitting in a room with a bunch of people who were the direct victims of gun violence.”

“Didn’t even need me to rip my shirt off,” Josh commented, pouting.

“What a shame,” Sam deadpanned.

“Are we done, then?”

“With this one. We still have a lot to get through today, though.”

“I’m already exhausted.”

That made Sam look even more concerned, and Josh silently cursed himself for making the situation a bigger deal than it needed to be. Sam bit his lip. “Do you need to go back to the hotel and rest? I can tell everyone—”

“I’m fine, Sam, seriously. It’s not the PTSD. I barely slept last night. I’m just tired and really fucking hate conservatives.”

“Yeah, I can understand that. But seriously, babe. You need to look out for yourself.”

“Barely need to look out for myself when I have you around.” He smiled. “I promise I’m okay.”

“Promise you’ll take a break or let me know if you’re tired, got it?”

“Yes, mother.”

“I just worry about you.”

“I know.” Josh leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “I’m alright. I swear. Scout’s honor.”

“You were never a boy scout, dumbass.”

“Lawyer’s honor?”

Sam laughed. “I don’t think that’s a thing, but sure. Let’s get back.”

Josh straightened up off the wall and nodded, stretching his shoulders back before following Sam back to the meeting room, mentally preparing himself for the rest of the day.

———

There was a soft knock on his door, and Josh leapt out of bed to answer it. He checked through the peephole just to make sure, and Sam was standing on the other side, holding a bottle of wine and a change of clothes. Josh grinned and opened the door. Sam held up the bottle.

“An offering,” he said as he stepped inside. Josh laughed and closed the door behind him, making sure it was locked. He pulled Sam in and kissed him softly.

“Where did you get that?” Josh asked.

“A magician never reveals his secrets, Joshua.” Sam set the clothes down in the arm chair. He slipped off his shoes and undid his tie, then sat down on the bed and propped himself up against the pillows. He had already opened the wine and took a sip straight from the bottle.

Josh sat down next to him and grabbed the TV remote. He flicked through the channels, but there wasn’t much on. He eventually settled on a hockey game and set the remote to the side. Sam handed him the wine. He gratefully took a few sips. They spent the next hour in relative silence, passing the bottle back and forth until it was half empty. Knowing they had to get up early in the morning to attend more meetings, and neither of them wanted to actually get drunk, Josh set it down on the bedside table, then turned towards Sam. Sam smiled, and Josh’s breath hitched. He was so goddamn pretty, hair soft and lips stained red from the wine, expression gentle as he looked at Josh. Josh leaned in and kissed him, tasting a hint of the wine on his lips.

Sam moved his hands to Josh’s waist and pulled him closer. Josh swung a leg over so he was straddling Sam’s thighs. He wrapped his arms around Sam’s neck and slipped his hands into his hair. They hadn’t touched in so long; Josh thought he was going to go insane the entire day because all he had wanted to do was reach out and hold Sam’s hand.

“Missed you,” he whispered.

“Me too.” Sam slipped his hands underneath Josh’s shirt, and he shivered at the contact. His fingers trailed across Josh’s skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Josh decided he was wearing too many layers and reached down to start unbuttoning his shirt. Sam nudged his hands out of the way and worked at it himself, pressing soft kisses to Josh’s jaw with each button he undid. Josh tilted his head to the side and let his eyes flutter closed, enjoying the sensation of Sam’s nimble fingers helping him out of his shirt.

Sam pulled the pesky fabric off of Josh’s shoulders and tossed it to the side. Josh broke away for a second to do the same with his undershirt. Sam was unfairly clothed, and Josh pulled his tie off before quickly unbuttoning his shirt. Sam lifted himself forward to pull it off. Josh ran his fingers across Sam’s chest, a small smile playing at his lips.

“What are you smiling about, Joshua?” Sam asked playfully.

“You, dumbass.”

“I feel special.”

“You definitely are.” He leaned down to kiss Sam’s collarbone.

“That didn’t feel sincere.”

“I’m always sincere.”

“Bullshit.”

“Watch your mouth.”

Sam rolled his eyes and slipped his hands under the waistband of Josh’s pants. He whined softly, and Sam smirked, pleased. “What do you want, babe?”

Josh huffed. “You know what I want, asshole.”

“Watch your mouth,” Sam mimicked. Josh pinched his side, and he jolted. “Hey! Be nice.”

“You first.” He returned to kissing along Sam’s collarbone, and Sam’s fingers found their way into Josh’s hair, tugging gently. He smiled against Sam’s skin, eyes fluttering shut. He could stay like this forever. Sam knew him almost better than he knew himself; Sam knew how to kiss him and touch him and hold him in ways that drove Josh absolutely insane. He could barely remember what it had been like to not be able to be with Sam like this, but he knew that it had been torturous. Sam was so unjustly beautiful. The fact that he chose to be with Josh made Josh almost believe in miracles.

—

Josh was awoken by the sound of a fist against the door, and he rolled over and groaned. Sam didn’t budge. Josh looked over at the clock. It was just past five in the morning. He sighed and pushed himself up, retrieving a shirt from the floor to make himself slightly more decent. He pulled it over his head as he walked to the door. He cracked open the door to find one of the aides on the other side.

“Hi, I’m really sorry to bother you, but Toby is looking for Sam. Do you have any idea where he might have gone?” she asked, looking extremely nervous.

“Sam who?”

“Uh, Sam Seaborn? I already knocked on his door, but there was no answer. No one else seems to know where he is. Someone said you might know.”

“Oh, _that_ Sam.” _Yeah, he’s laying naked in bed right behind me. Let me get him for you!_ He shook his head. “No, I haven’t seen him since last night. No clue where he went. Sorry.”

“No worries. Again, sorry to bother you.” She scampered away from the door. He closed it and made sure it was latched, then returned to the bed.

“Sam,” he hummed. “Samuel, darling.” Sam grunted and shoved his face deeper into the pillow. Josh smiled and bent down, pressing gentle kisses to Sam’s back. Sam squirmed underneath him. “Time to get up, sweetheart. Toby is looking for you.”

Sam rolled over onto his back and looked up at Josh. “Does anyone know I’m here?” His raspy morning voice sent shivers down the back of Josh’s neck, but he shook it off. There was no time for that.

“Nah, I played it cool.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure.”

“One of the interns definitely thinks I’m an idiot now, but we’re safe.”

“Everyone already thinks you’re an idiot, babe.”

“Ouch.” Sam smiled, and Josh pouted, placing his hand over his heart. “You wound me, Seaborn. Deeply.”

Sam made a sound of agreement and pulled Josh down to kiss him. “I do my best. You said Toby is looking for me?”

“Yeah, so you better get ready. Don’t want to piss him off this early in the day.” Sam sighed and nodded. Josh leaned back against the headboard, one hand behind his head, and watched Sam gather his things and start getting dressed. Sam looked over his shoulder and narrowed his eyes.

“Don’t be a perv, Lyman.”

“Can’t help that my boyfriend is so gorgeous.” Sam threw his balled-up shirt from the previous night at Josh, and it landed next to him on the bed. He raised an eyebrow. “I’m keeping this.”

“Not like it’s gonna fit you. Plus, it’s gross.”

“Don’t care. It’s mine now.”

“Suit yourself.” Sam tightened his tie. He folded his dirty clothes. “Can you pack these for me? I don’t want anyone to see me carrying them.” Josh nodded. “‘Kay, I’m out. See you later.”

He walked over and kissed Josh once more, brushing his finger over his cheek. Josh smiled fondly, watching as Sam left.

———

Every once in a while, Josh decided he hated therapy. Most of the time, it was helpful — Rich had helped him through a lot of shit, and was the reason that Josh no longer had flashbacks every time he heard sirens or music, but Josh sometimes despised him. Usually, this change happened after a particularly tough session, when Rich would force him to open up more, dig deeper than Josh was comfortable with. He was stubborn, he knew, and it was Rich’s job to get him to talk, but it always impacted Josh’s mood for the rest of the day at least.

Sam always noticed when Josh was off. He treaded more lightly around him when it happened. He was always there if Josh needed him, and reminded him often, but usually, Josh didn’t want to talk about it. The stuff he talked about within the walls of Rich’s office wasn’t stuff he wanted to bother Sam about. Sam kept asking, though, just in case. Josh couldn’t decide whether it was comforting or infuriating.

They were making dinner together at Sam’s apartment. Sam, fully aware of Josh’s limited culinary skills, had placed him in charge of cutting the peppers and onions. Josh was quieter than normal, and he tried to ignore that Sam was ignoring that fact. Sam was good at treating him the same as always even when he was in a weird mood.

Josh kept replaying his conversation with Rich in his head. They had talked about the incident in Texas, which Josh did his best to downplay (it wasn't a _real_ attack, he kept saying). Then they had touched on subjects that hadn’t been discussed in a while — Josh’s sexuality, his relationship. He didn’t see why Sam was any of Rich’s business, and tried to avoid the topic altogether, but Rich had been particularly pushy that day.

_“Does he know?” Rich asked, tapping his pen against his notepad._

_“Know what?” Josh responded evasively. He kept his gaze fixed on the floor._

_Rich sighed. “About the depression, Josh.”_

_“Why would he need to know about that?”_

_“Because that doesn’t go away. These are the things that you share with people who care about you. He isn’t going to think you’re crazy.”_

_“He could.”_

_“He already knows about your PTSD.” Josh nodded, fidgeting with the button on his shirt sleeve. “Why can’t you tell him about you being depressed? Or the anxiety, for that matter. What’s the harm in him knowing?”_

_Josh swallowed hard. “I don’t know.”_

_“You have a reason for not telling him.” Fuck psychologists. “What is it?”_

_He squeezed his eyes shut. “What if he doesn’t want a boyfriend who’s insane? The PTSD is just one thing. I don’t want — I can’t pile a million things on top of that. I’m fucked up enough as it is. It’s a miracle he wants to be with me. I don’t want… I’m scared of ruining it.”_

_It hurt to admit it. This is what they had been working on for a year now: Josh accepting his diagnoses and learning how to work through them, how to function with them. Rich had reminded him over and over that he could still be “normal” (Josh’s word, one that Rich wasn’t a fan of but dealt with anyway), that he didn’t need to hate himself for being mentally ill. Josh couldn’t help that he still did. He wished he didn't, but he hadn't yet figured out how to stop blaming himself for everything that was going on his brain._

_“You’re not insane, Josh.” Rich’s voice was gentler now that Josh had opened up a bit. “Your brain is sick. You went through a traumatic experience. Obviously, that’s where the PTSD comes from. The depression and anxiety, they’re more common than you would think. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had been diagnosed even before Rosslyn. They don’t mean you’re insane. You’re not.”_

_“You keep telling me that,” he muttered._

_“Because it’s true. Trust me, I’m a doctor.” Josh glanced up, and Rich was smiling softly at him. “You have people on your side. You know that. You’ve told me about them. Sam is a good person, Josh. He’s good for you. You have to trust that he cares about you.”_

_He did. He knew Sam cared about him, but it was still hard to grapple with the idea that Sam could care about him despite all of his issues. Second guessing everything all the time was exhausting. Josh wished he didn’t. His brain hated him, he thought. It had something against him and was set on making him miserable._

_“You can tell him.” Josh shook his head, and Rich repeated it, more firmly this time. “You can tell him. I’m making that your homework. Talk to Sam, Josh. He cares about you. It’s good for you to talk about this stuff outside of therapy. Keeping it contained in this room isn’t going to help in the long run. The stuff we do in here is only going to be effective if it also applies out there.”_

_Josh sighed. He hated to admit when Rich was right, and it happened more often than he would have liked. He nodded slowly. “If it goes wrong, I’m firing you.”_

_Rich laughed. “I’m okay with that. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about today?”_

_Josh checked his watch. He had told Sam he would be over after his appointment. “No, I’m good. See you next week, doc.”_

_“Do your homework.”_

“Josh.” Sam’s voice snapped Josh out of his thoughts. Josh shook his head to clear his thoughts and turned to Sam, forcing a smile.

“Sorry, zoned out.”

“It’s okay. You done with those?” Sam gestured to the peppers, and Josh nodded. He stepped to the side so Sam could take the cutting board and dump the peppers into the pan. Josh took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second to recollect himself. Sam was preoccupied with cooking. Josh found himself staring down at his hand, clenching and unclenching his fist to watch the scar go white, then fade back to pink. It was fascinating in a weird kind of way.

He didn’t even notice that Sam had moved until he was standing right in front of him. Sam brushed his hands over Josh’s, then laced their fingers together and squeezed gently. Josh looked up at him, and Sam kissed him softly.

“You okay, babe?” he murmured. “You’re really out of it tonight.”

Josh nodded. “It was just a tough session today. I’m okay.”

He could tell Sam didn’t really believe him. Part of him wanted Sam to push, to demand answers, because it would have been so much easier than starting the conversation himself. He hated how difficult it was to talk about these things. It had been hard enough to even admit that he needed help — it only happened when Leo forced him into a room with a psychologist — and it was even harder to talk about it with people who weren’t his therapist. Even Sam. It was so easy to talk to Sam about literally everything else. Josh couldn't figure out why that didn't extend to his mental health.

Sam deserved to know. Josh had to believe that Sam wasn’t going to hate him for it.

After dinner, when they were laying on the couch watching some game show with the volume half-muted, Josh’s head on Sam’s lap and Sam lazily carding his fingers through Josh’s hair, Josh found the courage to speak up.

“I’m sorry I’ve been off tonight.”

“It’s okay.” Sam glanced down at him. He brushed Josh's hair back more, then leaned over to kiss his temple. The corner of Josh's mouth twitched up.

“There was…” He took a deep breath. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Sam looked surprised for a second but recovered quickly. “Okay, hit me.”

Josh looked up at him. Sam smiled encouragingly. “When I was with Rich today, he, ah, reminded me that I haven’t talked to you about some things — haven’t talked to anyone about them but him, actually.”

Sam furrowed his eyebrows. “What’s up?”

He took another breath, closing his eyes for a second to collect his thoughts. “He didn’t just diagnose me with PTSD. I’ve got depression, too. And anxiety.” The movement of Sam’s hand stopped, and Josh sat up, facing him. “I didn’t — I didn’t want to tell you because I don’t want you to see me differently.”

“Why would that make me see you differently?”

“I don’t know. My brain is fucked up.” He shrugged. “I just… I don’t know. It felt like piling on depression and anxiety with the PTSD makes me an even bigger mess.”

“Josh, you’ve been a mess as long as I’ve known you,” Sam teased, and Josh was grateful that he was comfortable enough to joke about the situation. “Is Rich helping you with that stuff, too?”

Josh nodded. “Yeah. There’s other meds I can take, too, besides just the stuff for my panic attacks. Antidepressants, you know. To make my brain work right. I was taking them for a little while at the beginning of last year. But I haven’t needed them in a while.”

“That’s good, right?”

“Yeah.” He swallowed hard, trying to think of how to phrase everything else he wanted to say. Sam, ever patient and annoyingly sweet, had taken Josh’s hand in his and was gently brushing his thumb across Josh’s skin. Josh looked down at their hands. “The first time I met with Stan, he asked me… he talked to me about being suicidal. Because of that pilot, you know, the one who…” Sam nodded. “Yeah. We didn’t really talk about it that much. It was just another part of his weird analysis thing. But he was right.” He looked up at Sam, who was clearly trying extremely hard not to show too much emotion. Josh appreciated it. “When all the stuff with the pilot happened, it made me realize… it made me realize that I thought it might be easier just to end it.”

“Josh,” Sam whispered. Josh squeezed his hand.

“It got bad sometimes. I never — I never climbed onto a roof, or bought a gun, or anything that extreme, but it got bad. I got bad. The first few months of therapy were really hard. Rich made me talk about it. He asked me so many damn questions I thought I really was going to go insane.” He took a shaky breath. “I don’t think I ever actually _wanted_ to. It was just… I _could_ , you know? And I thought — I don't know. I didn't want to. I don't think I did. But it would have... I kept thinking about how it would have been easier if I just..." He trailed off and swallowed the lump in his throat. Sam tightened his grip on Josh's hand. "It would have been — it would have been so easy. And that was the scary part. It was terrifying when I thought about it, because I could think of so many different ways to go through with it. If I had decided to, I don’t think anyone could have stopped me. That still fucking terrifies me. The night I smashed the window, I didn’t even realize it was happening until I was bleeding. I didn’t want — I thought that the same thing could happen. That I wouldn’t even realize I had done something really bad until it was too late. I was terrified of myself.”

He clenched his fist, fingernails digging into his palm again. The scar on his hand didn’t hurt like the one on his chest did, but in moments like this, he was all too aware of it. He felt a warm tear hit his cheek, and wiped it away. Sam was staring at him, mouth half open. He leaned in and kissed Sam softly, hoping it would comfort him even the slightest bit. His chest was aching; he knew this was hurting Sam, which made the whole thing even worse. Sam reached for Josh’s other hand and gently pried at his fingers until he unclenched his fist. Sam laced their fingers together. Josh looked down.

“I’m glad I didn’t. Every damn day, I’m so fucking glad I didn’t do it. I don’t — I would have hurt so many people. You, and Leo, and Donna, and everyone… I was hurting so badly, but I couldn’t do that to you guys.”

“Josh.” Sam wrapped his arms around Josh, gripping the back of his shirt so tightly that Josh was worried the fabric was going to rip. Josh buried his face in Sam’s neck, breathing in deeply. “Josh, baby, I’m sorry.”

He pulled back to look at Sam, eyebrows furrowed. “What are you apologizing for?”

“For everything. For you having to go through that, for not _knowing_ —”

“I didn’t want you guys to know. I was hiding it. I didn’t want it to be a thing. You all had enough to think about without worrying about me offing myself.” He forced a smile. Sam leaned in and kissed him, soft and a little hesitant. When he pulled away, Josh caught the flash of a tear in his eye.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Josh shook his head. “You were there, Sammy. That’s what I’m trying to say. You were there. You and Donna and Leo and CJ and Toby and the President — all of you. You guys were the reason I managed to stick around. Without you guys, I never would have even gotten a diagnosis. I can never repay you for that. It was you guys.”

Sam kissed him, and Josh felt more tears spill over. Sam cupped his cheek softly. Josh leaned against the pressure.

“I could have gone through with it. I thought about it so much. But every time it got that bad, when I was that low… I couldn’t do that to you. I didn’t want you to hurt because of me.”

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Sam whispered, pulling Josh back in. “I need you, Josh. More than you’ll ever understand.”

Josh wrapped his arms around Sam and rested his head against his shoulder, breathing in deeply. His thoughts were still swirling around, memories of the ugly nights he had almost followed through, but Sam was an anchor. Josh closed his eyes, and was almost scared that it was all going to disappear, but when he opened them again, Sam was still there, holding him so close to his chest that Josh could feel his heartbeat, and Josh was okay.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s okay, baby.” Sam kissed his temple lightly. “It’s okay. This stuff… it’s yours. If you don’t want to share it, that’s fine. I understand. But when you do want to talk about it, I’m going to be right here every time, got it? I’m always going to listen.”

It took a moment for it to sink in. Sam was there. Sam wasn’t going anywhere. Sam still cared about him.

“I’m gonna be here through it all,” Sam murmured. “Whatever I can do to help, you just let me know. I’m on your side.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

He felt Sam shake his head. “Don’t say that. You deserve this, Josh. You deserve people who love you and care about you. We’re your family. It’s our job to be here for you.”

Josh nodded and sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’re okay, baby. You’re okay. You have nothing to apologize for, got it?” He kissed Josh gently. “You’re okay.”

Josh believed him.

———

“We need to cut ten more minutes’ worth of material. If not more,” Leo told them.

“What?” Josh asked. “Why? I thought we had worked it down.”

“We’re at about an hour and forty minutes right now,” Toby responded. “Which breaks the current record by ten minutes. I don’t know if this is the administration that wants to have that note in the history books. Republicans will lose it unless we say a lot more things they’ll like.”

“Which we’re not going to, right? _Please_ tell me we aren’t going to cater to Republicans.”

“It might be a good move, considering we’re in an election year,” Leo reminded him.

Josh groaned. “I fucking hate Republicans.”

“I know how you feel, but bipartisanship is gonna get us more votes.”

“Just don’t be _too_ friendly to the right. They don’t deserve it.”

“That’s the spirit.”

“I’ll work on it,” Toby said. “See what Sam has to say, too. We’ll figure out what we can cut without losing the most important stuff.” He got up and left. Leo removed his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. Josh checked his watch. Half past one in the morning already.

“I’m gonna go grab coffee. You want some?”

“Yes, please.”

Josh pushed himself to his feet and headed towards the mess, because the coffee maker upstairs had been acting up, and no one had bothered to look at it yet. Once downstairs, he paused for a moment to take a deep breath, enjoying the peace of the dark room. He grabbed four cups, figuring Toby and Sam could also use a caffeine boost. He filled them up with coffee, added milk to one and milk and sugar to another, then placed them in one of the cardboard trays to more easily transport them back up to the bullpen. As he left, he grabbed a couple of granola bars from the basket of snacks. He placed a cup on Leo’s desk and received a wave as a thanks, as the Chief of Staff was busy with a phone conversation. Josh moved on to the communications bullpen. He knocked on Toby’s door and waited to hear a _“Yeah?”_ before opening it.

“Coffee delivery,” he said with his most charming smile. Toby grunted in response and held his hand out. Josh handed him the other black coffee and Toby took a sip, a blissful expression crossing his face.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Yeah, no problem.” Figuring that was all the conversation he was going to get, Josh left him to his work and entered Sam’s office.

Sam was typing madly away on his laptop, a look of stern concentration on his face. Josh closed the door behind himself and set the tray down on the desk, then walked around to the other side and bent down to kiss Sam’s temple. Sam hummed, but didn’t look up until he had finished writing the next sentence.

“Brought you some coffee. And snacks,” Josh told him, nodding towards the cups. “Milk and sugar’s on the left.” Sam smiled and picked it up, leaning back in his chair and considering the last few paragraphs he had completed. Josh leaned against the desk and sipped his own coffee. The crease in Sam’s forehead hadn’t disappeared, and he was clearly still entirely focused on his work. Josh cleared his throat. “Sam. Samuel. Sammy.”

“Hmm?”

“Sam, look at me, would you?” He didn’t, and Josh sighed and slid over to block the laptop from Sam’s view. Sam huffed but looked up at Josh. Josh smiled innocently back. “Hey, babe.”

“Josh, I’m trying to work.”

“You have forty-two hours left until the State of the Union. You know you’re going to be making changes right up until the moment the President steps up to the microphone. Take fifteen minutes. Have you even eaten yet?” He took a sip of coffee. Sam shook his head, and Josh gestured toward the granola bars. “Eat. You’ll starve to death, and then we can’t even have the State of the Union because you inconvenienced everyone by dying.”

“I’m fine.”

“You know, if you stare at your computer for too long, you’ll eventually go blind.”

“Sure, and then you can take care of me.”

“I’ll get you a dog.”

“So thoughtful.”

He nudged Sam’s shin with his shoe. “You need to _relax_. Guess what I found out is good for stress relief?” Sam quirked an eyebrow. “Sex.”

“Joshua Lyman, I am not having sex with you in my office. Don’t be so immature.”

“I would _never_. I’m perfectly mature.” Josh took Sam’s cup out of his hands and placed both the cups on the desk, then swung a leg over Sam’s chair and sat down. Sam let out a quiet huff, keeping his hands stubbornly on the arms of the chair. Josh wrapped his arms around Sam’s neck. “Ten minutes.” He leaned in and playfully nipped at Sam’s ear. Sam groaned.

"This is a bad idea."

Josh smiled. "I disagree."

"The door isn't locked, someone could—"

"The building is basically empty.  _Relax_."

“You’re going to be the death of me.” But he relented, settling his hands on Josh’s hips and kissing him. Josh made a happy sound against his lips and pressed himself closer. He let one hand slip up into Sam’s hair and tugged lightly. Sam squeezed his hips in response and deepened the kiss, biting softly at Josh’s bottom lip.

There was a knock on the door, and it swung open before they could jump backwards. Considering the fact that Josh was sitting in Sam’s lap, there was absolutely no way to interpret their position as anything else, and they both knew it. _Fuck_ , Josh thought.

“Hey, Josh. Sam, what do you think of cutting—” Toby fully looked up from his papers, and his eyes widened. He stared for what felt like an entire lifetime. Sam gulped. Josh tried to smile as casually as possible. His heart pounded in his chest.

“What’s up, Toby?”

Toby brought his eyes to the ceiling and muttered something in Hebrew. “Why is it always me?” he asked out loud, then spun on his heel and slammed the door shut behind him.

Against his better judgment, Josh erupted into laughter, his head dropping onto Sam’s shoulder. Sam, thank God, was chuckling underneath him. Once they regained their breath, Josh straightened up and pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of Sam’s mouth, then got to his feet.

“I feel like I should write him an apology note,” Sam snorted.

“I feel like he probably wants to forget this ever happened. Frankly, so do I. In the meantime, I’m gonna stay out of his sight.” Josh leaned in to kiss Sam’s forehead one more time. “Get to work, Seaborn. I can’t believe you’re slacking like this. And make sure you eat those granola bars. We can’t have you starving to death until after the State of the Union, got it?”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Lyman, sir,” Sam teased. “Get out of my office.” Josh saluted and did as he was told, caring his rapidly cooling drink with him as he removed himself entirely from the communications bullpen.

———

“Sam Seaborn, you are an absolute _genius_ ,” Josh whispered into his ear, gently squeezing his arm before stepping back so another crowd of people could surround Sam, patting him on the back and congratulating him. Sam smiled the entire time, his cheeks a light red. Josh watched on fondly. Sam eventually broke out of the group and headed towards Toby, who shook his hand. Josh followed along and patted Toby on the shoulder. “This is the dream team, right here.”

“We do our best,” Sam responded, but his expression gave away how he pleased he was with the praise. “It was mostly Toby, anyway.”

“We all know that’s not even close to true,” CJ teased as she descended on the group. She gave Sam a hug and managed to coax Toby into one, too, even though he didn’t look very happy about it. “Enjoy yourselves tonight, boys. You deserve it.”

Josh heard someone call his name and he turned to see Kenny, who was standing over by the doorway with Joey. Joey gestured for him to come over, so he excused himself and made his way to them.

“If it isn’t my favorite pollster and interpreter in the entire world,” he greeted them, smiling. “How are we looking?”

Joey began signing, and Kenny quickly translated. “Good so far. Democrats and liberals are happy, republicans so-so, and independents varying based on the issue. But overall, good.” Josh grinned and pumped his fist in the air. “Can we talk somewhere private for a minute?”

“Yeah, course. We can use my office.” He led them through the west wing to his office, nodding in acknowledgment to everyone who greeted him along the way. Joey asked Kenny to stay out in the hallway, which concerned Josh a bit. Kenny was only left out of the conversation if it was something extremely serious or secretive. He closed the door to give them some privacy, then turned to Joey. “What’s up?”

“When did you and Sam happen?” she demanded, continuing to sign so Josh could work on picking up some new vocabulary, an arrangement he had asked for the last time they spoke.

“I’m sorry?”

“You and Sam,” she repeated, raising one eyebrow. Josh shook his head.

“I don’t know what you’re—”

“I’m not stupid. When did it happen?”

Josh sighed, realizing resistance was futile. “November. After I talked to you about it.”

“So, you took my advice?”

“Yeah, I did. Thanks.” He smiled, and she nodded.

“Good.”

“How did you figure it out?”

“The way you look at him. It’s cute.” Joey grinned. She signed another sentence quickly, a mischievous grin on her face, and Josh tried to follow along, but he could only pick up the fingerspelling of his name, along with Sam’s.

“What did you just say?”

“Nothing,” Joey said innocently.

“Tell me what you said.”

“Nope.”

“I hate you.”

“Josh has a _boyfriend_.” She repeated the sign for _boyfriend_ a couple of times, and Josh felt his cheeks flush.

“Fuck off.”

Joey punched his arm lightly. “It’s cute. You have feelings.”

“Fuck off,” he repeated.

“It’s even cuter that you’re embarrassed about it.”

Josh cleared his throat, ignoring the fact that his face was burning. “You haven’t talked to anyone about it, right?” She shook her head. “Good. We’re trying to keep it subtle right now. I want to keep it as far away from the press as possible.”

“Does anyone else know?”

“Toby. He kind of found out on accident. But no one else, and we’re gonna keep it that way for now.”

“Of course.” She lifted her index finger to her lips, then placed her palm flat against her opposite fist.

“What’s that mean?”

Joey repeated the sign. “Promise.”

Josh nodded and smiled, giving her a brief hug before opening the door and gesturing out. They left the office and returned to the main group. Sam and Toby were still receiving praise for their work. They certainly deserved it. Josh had been worried that Sam was going to work himself to death over the past few days, but all of the stress and coffee and all-nighters had culminated into a fantastic State of the Union address. Josh had never been so proud of his boyfriend.

Sam finally managed to escape everyone’s attention and joined Josh in the corner, where he was leaning against the wall and people-watching.

“What’d you think?” Sam asked.

“It was amazing, as usual. You’ve blown us all away, Seaborn.” He grinned, then lowered his voice to make sure he wouldn’t be overheard as he added, “Joey talked to me. She says we’re cute.”

“We are,” Sam agreed, puffing out his chest.

"Did you, uh... talk to Toby?"

"I don't think he wanted to discuss it."

"But he's okay?"

"Yeah. He really doesn't care, Josh. I wouldn't worry about it."

“Sam Seaborn?” someone said. Sam turned to face the newcomer, a man Josh vaguely recognized but couldn’t place. He reached out to shake Sam’s hand. “Jack Simonoff.”

“From Georgia?” Josh asked, and Simonoff nodded. Josh had to fight his lip from curling. He knew the congressman by name; Simonoff was extremely against Bartlet and everything he stood for. He had adamantly rejected almost every democratic bill that entered the House. He was an exhausting person to deal with in legislative terms, but Josh hadn’t yet had the pleasure of interacting with him face-to-face. Josh had no idea what he was doing there, but he knew it couldn’t be good.

“Sam, I wanted to talk to you about the language you used regarding guns.” _Oh, shit_. Josh straightened up, ready to fight if necessary (with words or with fists, he didn’t really have a preference). “I have to say that me and a group of other congressmen weren’t exactly pleased with the President’s promise to tighten gun regulations.”

Remarkably, Sam kept his cool, which was good for Josh, who was about two seconds away from blowing up. “Well, Congressman, I just do the writing. The policy ideas are those that the President and his staff felt were important enough to include in the address. Everyone is aware of President Bartlet’s stance on gun control, and this administration has a goal of making our country a safer place to live for everybody. But I’m glad that you felt you could come to me to voice your opinion.”

Simonoff narrowed his eyes. “I’m sure. Tell me, Sam, you ever shot a gun?”

“Can’t say that I have. Nor do I have any desire to. They’re not really my thing.”

“Then why do you think you have the authority to make decisions for those of us who know guns much better than you do? You California types think you know everything about—”

“Look, buddy—” Josh began, but was cut off by Sam shooting him a look. He backed down, but his shoulders stayed tensed and his fists clenched at his sides.

“I don’t have the authority to make those decisions, but my boss does. And my beliefs happen to align with his. Your party is the majority in Congress, Mr. Simonoff, so I believe you have some say when it comes to these things, too.” As serious and infuriating as the situation was, Josh was finding Sam extremely attractive in this moment. His head was held up high, posture straight, and he looked directly into Simonoff’s eyes, unflinching. Josh couldn’t help but crack a tiny smile. Sam was really something else.

“I just think maybe you and the rest of your staff should learn a thing or two about guns before trying to take them away from law-abiding citizens.”

Suddenly, something snapped. Sam took a step closer to the congressman, “Learn a thing or two? I’m sorry, Congressman, were you there with us at Rosslyn? Have you been shot at by two of those _law-abiding_ citizens who so desperately want to keep their guns? Did you forget that President Bartlet was shot? Or, for that matter, the guy standing right next to me? I may have never held a gun, Mr. Simonoff, but I can tell you right now that I have experienced what they can do first hand and that I have no desire for what happened to us to happen to anybody else in this country. You may think that several people, most of whom were surrounded by the Secret Service, getting shot at — and almost dying — is a small price to pay for your _God-given right_ of owning a gun, but I disagree. You’re lucky that both Josh and the President survived, because God help you if I had lost two of my family members and you still decided to come up to me and complain about how waiting three days to purchase a gun is too much of a restriction on a portable death machine.”

Simonoff stammered for a moment. “I don’t appreciate—”

“Neither do I. Have a good night, Congressman.”

Josh followed as Sam quickly walked away from Simonoff. They ended up in the communications bullpen, and Sam, who had been holding in his breath the entire time, finally let it out as he slammed his fist against the wall. Josh jumped. Sam turned to him, and he realized that Sam was crying.

“Sammy,” Josh whispered, and grabbed Sam’s shoulders, pulling him into his chest. Sam slumped into him, and Josh almost fell backwards, but caught himself against a desk. He held Sam tightly, gripping the fabric of his jacket in his hands. Sam was shaking against him, and Josh could feel warm tears against his neck. “Sam, baby, it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay.” He kissed Sam’s temple. Sam wrapped his arms around Josh’s waist and squeezed so hard that Josh could barely get a breath. They stayed like that for a while, until Sam had calmed down enough to pull back and wipe his eyes. His hair was a mess, his tie was lopsided, and his eyes were red. Josh felt a lump in his throat.

“I fucking hate these people,” Sam muttered.

“I know, babe, I know.” Josh straightened up and cupped Sam’s cheek in his hand. “We’re okay.”

Sam took a deep breath. “Almost fucking lost you. Almost lost the _President_. And these dumbasses still think — all they care about are their precious guns! Do they even realize who they’re talking to?”

Josh brought his hand up to his own chest, rubbing at the scar through his clothes. Pro-gun lobbyists and representatives had attacked them all too often about gun control. He tried not to let it get to him, tried to conduct business as usual, but more than once or twice, he had wanted to react like Sam just had. On multiple occasions, he had wished he could have punched someone in the face without being tackled my security. Sam covered Josh’s hand with his own, stopping its movement. He slid his fingers into the gaps between Josh’s and squeezed gently. One, two, three. Steady. Josh felt his heart rate settle back into its normal rhythm.

“It’s okay,” he whispered again. “You didn’t lose me, Sam. I’m right here.”

“I know, they just—” He sighed and rested his forehead against Josh’s. “It’s hard. To hear them talk and talk about it when they haven’t lived through it. Maybe if they had gone through what we did, what _you_ did…”

“They probably still wouldn’t change their minds.” He used two fingers to tilt Sam’s chin up and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “People are probably missing us. You okay to go back out there?” Sam nodded slowly. “Hey, I’m right here with you. I won’t leave your side.” Sam nodded again, surer this time, and kissed the corner of Josh’s mouth before pulling away. Josh reached up and straightened Sam's tie, then adjusted his shirt collar.

“Don’t let any more Republicans come near me tonight. I won’t be liable for what I do to them if they get too close.”

Josh smiled fondly at him and nodded. “I’ll keep ‘em away, hon. You just worry about how many different ways you can thank people for calling you amazing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so people are starting to find out ö also apologies if any of y'all are from texas i'm sure you're lovely people :D as always leave kudos and comments pls


	6. Chapter 6

No one ever said having a secret relationship would be _easy_. Even so, Josh hadn’t been prepared for just how _difficult_ it would be. He and Sam barely got any time to see each other outside of work, and the time they did have together had to be carefully scheduled so as not to raise any suspicions from them leaving the building together at night or arriving at the same time in the morning. Then there was the fact that they couldn’t just be together at the White House. There were so many moments when Josh was tempted to rub Sam’s shoulders or collapse onto a couch with him when they were working late into the night or reach for his hand across a table, and he had to check himself and remember that he couldn’t. On several occasions, a casual _babe_ had almost slipped out before he caught himself. Some days, he thought he would go insane if he had to keep hiding for much longer.

But hiding kept them safe. It kept their jobs, their reputations, and the respect that other people had for them secure. Josh didn’t want to think of how that could all change if the wrong person found out about them.

He was tempted, though, that day, to throw all caution to the wind, because Sam was tired and stressed but still beautiful, and Josh was having a hard time restraining himself. Sam, due to the number of meetings he had that day, had cleaned up extra nicely. If they hadn’t been in a room with six other people, Josh wouldn’t have been able to resist the temptation to jump Sam, drag him back to one of their offices, and provide them both with some stress relief.

“Josh.”

Josh’s head snapped up. “What?”

“Jesus, I’ve been talking to you for five minutes,” Leo told him. “Did you hear a word of what I just said?”

He blinked and shook his head quickly. “Yeah, yeah, my bad. I’m a bit out of it tonight.”

“No kidding.” Leo raised an eyebrow. “Do you even know what we’re talking about?”

“Yeah, yeah. Israel, Qumar, Saudi Arabia. Something about Palestinian leaders…” he trailed off.

“Go get a cup of coffee and come back,” Leo ordered. “I need your full attention on this.”

Josh nodded and stood up. Sam gave him a concerned look, and Josh gave him a subtle thumbs up, trying to calm Sam’s worries before he thought that there was something seriously wrong. He pushed the door open and walked out into the hallway, grateful for the brief relief from the meeting. They had been worried about some military movements in the Middle East for the past couple days, though Josh guessed that Bartlet and Leo had been in discussions about it for longer. They rarely brought the senior staff in on these things right away, considering that they usually resulted in covert American military operations that none of them besides Leo had clearance to know about before they were initiated.

He filled a cup of coffee and chugged it. It was old, and getting cold, but he needed the caffeine boost, so he persevered. Once the cup was empty, he refilled it to bring back to the meeting. Before he left the bullpen, he took a moment to breathe deeply and recollect his thoughts.

One of the aides walked past him, arms loaded with folders, and glanced at him for half a second. As he brushed past Josh’s shoulder, Josh heard him mutter something that sounded suspiciously like _“Faggot.”_

Josh turned towards him. “Excuse me?”

The aide paused briefly but continued walking without sparing another look at Josh.

He cleared his throat, grip on the coffee cup tightening. “Hey! You wanna say that to my face, pal?”

The young man stopped entirely now, halfway to the door, and glanced back over his shoulder. Josh raised his eyebrows expectantly, gesturing for him to come closer. He looked like he was about to say no but thought better of it. He walked back towards Josh.

“First rule of working in the White House, kid: if you’ve got something to say to someone, say it to their damn face.”

“Look—”

“Oh, don’t even bother. What’s your name?”

“I don’t think you should—”

“Cut the shit, buddy. I can get you kicked out of this place faster than you can call whoever your rich daddy is that got you this job. You want to say something? You better be able to back it up. Now, your name.”

“Ashton.”

“Alright, Ash. Who do you work for?”

“Ash _ton_. I’m an intern for the communications office.”

“So, what, you’re good at communicating?”

Ashton nodded. “I guess you could say that.”

“Interesting. What part of _communicating_ tells you it’s a good idea to throw around slurs in a workplace? And not just any workplace, oh no. You’re talking to the Deputy Chief of Staff at the goddamn White House, Ash. Whatever it was that made you think it was a bright idea to call me—”

“I know you are one, that’s why,” he interrupted, “and I don’t think it’s a good idea for the President’s senior advisors to be queers. This is the _White House_ , after all.” He sneered, looking Josh up and down.

The blood drained out of Josh’s face. Some of the coffee spilled over onto his hand as he squeezed the cup in his fist. “Excuse me?”

“I know you’re—”

“No, you don’t. You don’t know _shit_ , got it? You know absolutely nothing about me, and you’re just trying to look like a big tough guy, isn’t that right? It might work on your asshole, alcoholic, stoner group of college buddies, but that doesn’t work here. In this building, you show a bit of damn respect for the office of the President. You don’t get to act like the big man on campus, not here, not now, not ever. You don’t know the first thing about me, and even if you did, I am so many levels above you that I can rip away your clearance, your internship, any career prospects you may have had, like _that_.” He snapped his fingers. “Now get out of here. And don’t bother coming in tomorrow, either. I’ll make sure I let Toby Ziegler know why you can’t come into work anymore.”

“Look—”

Josh cut him off with a glare and pointed to the door. Ashton, suddenly a lot less confident, gulped, nodded, and turned on his heel, rushing out of the room. Josh ran a hand through his hair and took a few more deep breaths, trying to settle his heart rate. He heard Rich’s voice in his head, walking him through his breathing exercises, but it wasn’t doing anything. He chucked his cup into the garbage can next to the coffee maker and paced back and forth a couple times.

“Fuck,” he muttered.

Whether or not Ashton had known that Josh was actually gay, the thought was absolutely terrifying. There should have been no way that anyone knew about him, but he wracked his brain, searching for anything that could have tipped someone off about him. Or about Sam. Admittedly, they had had a few close calls — Laura on New Year’s Eve, Toby before the State of the Union — but they had been so careful. Josh pulled at his hair. There was no way Ashton actually knew. But what if he did? What if he knew about Josh and Sam, and he was going to go to a superior or to the press with it? Josh’s career would be over. Sam’s career would be over. He muttered a few more expletives.

“Josh?”

He whipped around to see Sam standing in the doorway.

“Are you okay? Leo sent me to come find you. You’ve been gone for a few minutes.”

Josh closed his eyes and nodded. When he opened them again, Sam had moved closer. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I was just getting coffee.”

“Josh.” Sam’s voice was quiet, worried. “Are you okay?” It was gentler this time, Sam looking for an actual, honest answer, not just a quick checkup. Josh could recognize the differences in the way Sam asked these questions, and sometimes wondered if Sam was a mind reader, the way he knew when Josh was keeping something in.

“I’m good. I swear.” He forced a smile. Sam didn’t seem convinced, but he let it slide for the time being. He nodded and squeezed Josh’s shoulder lightly.

“Leo needs you. Did you get some coffee?”

“Yeah, but, uh, let me just get a second one.” He grabbed another cup and filled it up. Sam smiled at him, and they walked back to the Roosevelt Room together.

Josh sat down in his seat and pulled his notes toward himself, glancing over the memo and the things he had jotted down so far. Leo cleared his throat, and Josh looked up.

“All set?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m good now.”

“Alright. So, here’s what we’re looking at now.”

———

Josh didn’t understand morning people. Despite the fact that he had been waking up earlier than six in the morning for his entire career, it still took an enormous amount of effort to drag himself out of bed when his alarm started going off. The fact that Sam was wrapped in his arms, his head tucked into the crook of Josh’s neck, made it even more difficult. He freed one arm from around Sam to smack the alarm clock until it shut off. Sam mumbled quietly against his collarbone, on the verge of being awake, but not quite there yet.

“Morning, baby,” Josh murmured, kissing Sam’s temple.

Sam stretched and looked up at Josh, blinking slowly. “Hi. Coffee?”

“Please.” Josh sat up and rubbed his eyes, then ran a hand through his hair. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and mentally prepared himself to get up. “Did you get all your stuff packed last night?”

“Yeah, I just gotta grab my toothbrush and stuff.” Sam rolled over towards him and wrapped an arm around his waist, pressing a soft kiss on his back where his t-shirt was riding up. Josh glanced down at him and smiled. He moved a few pieces of hair out of Sam’s eyes. Sam hummed contentedly. “I know you haven’t finished though, hm?”

Josh rolled his eyes. Sam knew him too well. “No, I haven’t. But it’s only two days. I barely have to pack anything.”

“Better get started, slacker. I’ll make coffee.”

“You’re the best.” Sam made sound of agreement, removing his arm from around Josh and letting him get to his feet. While Josh set about getting his clothes for the weekend packed into a duffel bag, Sam went into the kitchen and started a fresh pot of coffee for them.

Josh took a deep breath as he zipped his bag closed. The reality of the situation was finally hitting him. He hadn’t even come out to his mother yet, and he was taking his boyfriend to meet her. He hoped that Sam being there would make it easier, but he had absolutely no clue how to even begin the conversation. Besides Sam, Toby, Joey, and his therapist, no one knew about Josh’s sexuality. Before Sam, he had been completely fine with keeping it that way forever. He could suffer in silence, pretend for as long as he wanted or needed to. No one would ever have any reason to suspect he was anything but straight. But after Sam, something had changed. For the first time in his life, Josh was _happy_. He wanted to show off his relationship, the fact that he had somehow landed _Sam Seaborn_ , and that no one else could have him. He was tired of feeling ashamed of himself. It was hard to accept yourself when the world was insisting that something about you was wrong, disgusting, and dirty. Before Sam, Josh had hated this part of himself. But Sam made him want to be proud of it. Sam was so unapologetically _himself_. It filled Josh with a sense what he could only describe as secondhand pride. Even though he wasn’t out either, Sam had absolutely no shame about his sexuality. He loved himself. He loved being bisexual. Josh thought that if Sam could do it, and Sam could care this much about him, then he could do it, too. As soon as he got through coming out to his mother.

Sam’s voice calling him from the kitchen snapped Josh out of his thoughts. He walked to the kitchen and greeted Sam with a kiss. Sam smiled and handed him a mug of coffee. Josh took a sip and sighed happily. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Die, probably,” Sam teased.

“Sorry, I was talking to the coffee.”

“Go to hell.”

Josh smiled innocently. “I’ll see you there, Seaborn.”

Sam rolled his eyes and finished off his own cup. He set the empty mug in the sink and went to get ready for the day. Once he was done with his coffee, Josh joined him. They packed up the last of their things and turned the lights off before leaving Josh’s apartment. The car ride to the airport was quiet; Josh was lost in his thoughts again.

As they got to the airport and went through security, Josh kept finding himself looking at Sam. He wanted so badly to hold Sam’s hand, wrap an arm around Sam’s shoulders while they waited at their gate, let Sam lean against him. He wished there was some kind of plausible deniability, but it was already suspicious enough that the two of them were flying to Connecticut alone for no political reasons. They had to be extra careful until they were sure they were completely alone, and that wouldn’t be for hours now, not until they had landed and gotten a rental car and Josh could finally hold Sam’s hand and refuse to let go.

“Hey, are you alright?” Sam asked quietly. Josh glanced at him and smiled.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just tired.”

“You can sleep on the plane.”

“It’s not even two hours.”

“It’ll be more sleep than you’ve gotten all week.”

“I guess you’ve got a point there.”

“I usually do.”

Josh made a small sound in agreement and rested his head back, staring up at the ceiling. He had half fallen back asleep when their flight was called, and Sam nudged him to his feet. Once they were seated on the plane, Josh was careful to lean against the window so that there was no risk of falling asleep on Sam’s shoulder. Their legs just barely touched, put Josh was aware of every centimeter of himself that was in contact with Sam. It still burned, even after several months together, several months of Sam’s touches and Sam’s kisses and Sam’s hands on his skin. It still burned in the best way.

Connecticut was fucking _cold_ in March. Josh muttered to himself as he flipped up the collar of his jacket against the wind. It was a gross day, the sky a depressing shade of gray and the clouds releasing an off-and-on mix of rain and snow that left brown puddles on the side of the road. Sam had hung back a little way as Josh got everything together for their rental car. The agent, a disturbingly cheerful guy, had glanced back and forth between them a couple of times, but didn’t say anything about it. Sam and Josh walked into the lot, searching for the car.

“Hey, Josh?” Sam began once they were on the highway heading towards Josh’s mom’s house. He glanced over at Sam.

“Yeah?”

“Are you feeling okay about all of this?”

Josh sighed, shifting his focus back to the road. “I don’t really have much of a choice anymore, do I? We’re already here.”

“If you don’t want to go through with it…”

“I do.”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t keep lying to her. I’ve been holding this in for so goddamn long. I just — I’m scared, okay? I’m still scared. Which is _stupid_.”

“Babe, it’s not stupid.” Sam shook his head. “I promise. It’s terrifying, it really is. And honestly, it never gets easier. When I told my mom, I had a bag packed and ready to go in my closet. That’s how scared I was.” Josh’s arm was resting on the center console, and Sam slipped his hand into Josh’s, squeezing gently. Josh returned the pressure, but still didn’t take his eyes off the road. “Josh?”

“What if she hates me, Sam?” Josh’s voice was quiet as he tried to control his fear. “She already lost Joanie and my dad. I’m — I’m the last one. She was expecting me to grow up, find a wife, give her grandkids… what if she hates me?”

“She’s not going to hate you.”

“She could.”

“Joshua, she loves you so much. You heard her voice when you told her we were gonna come visit. She was ecstatic.” He brushed his thumb across the back of Josh’s hand. “She’s not going to hate you. I promise you that. And I’ll be there the entire time, alright? I’m not going anywhere, ever.”

Josh nodded slowly. “Okay. Okay.”

“And by the way, you being gay doesn’t mean you can’t give her grandkids.”

Josh looked over at him, eyes wide. “Sam.”

“Yeah?” Sam replied casually.

“You would want…”

“I’m open to the possibility.” He smiled. Josh stared at him. “Eyes on the road, Lyman.”

Josh shook his head and looked back out the windshield. Sam’s comment sent a rush of emotions through his chest — excitement, fear, anxiety, joy — it was a bizarre mix, and Josh wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. He had never even considered having kids before. His mother teased him about it, sure, asking if he was going to settle down and give her a few grandchildren before it was too late, but Josh had never worried too much about it. But the idea of raising kids with Sam… he wasn’t against it.

Sam cleared his throat. “You good?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. You mind if I try to take a nap?”

“No, go ahead.” Josh looked over at him and smiled. Sam nodded, leaning over to kiss Josh’s cheek before settling back in his seat and leaning against the window. Josh took a few deep breaths. Within a few moments, Sam’s arm had gone limp, and Josh pulled his hand away. He brushed his fingers across his cheek, savoring the feeling that Sam’s kisses gave him.

A while later, he pulled into his childhood neighborhood. Sam was still passed out beside him, and Josh decided to give him a few extra minutes of sleep. He examined his surroundings as he drove past the rows of houses. Everything was somehow exactly the same and entirely different. Some of the houses had been painted, or replaced their front doors or shutters, or had planted new trees and bushes in the front yard. Josh pulled into his mom’s driveway and put the car into park.

“Sam,” he murmured, shaking Sam gently.

Sam jerked awake with a snort. Josh laughed quietly. Sam looked around in confusion for a second before he got his bearings. “We’re here?”

“Yeah. Ready?”

Sam yawned and nodded. “Let’s do this.”

They grabbed their bags from the backseat and walked up to the front door. Josh waited a second before ringing the doorbell. Sam smiled encouragingly at him. The door swung open, and Josh was pulled into a rib-crushing hug. He dropped his duffel bag to wrap both of his arms around his mother.

“Hey, mom.”

She smiled as they pulled away. “Sweetheart, you look so _tired_.”

“You say that every time you see me.”

“Because it’s always true. You need more sleep.”

“So you’ve told me.”

She rolled her eyes and patted his arm, moving him out of the way and greeting Sam with an even bigger smile than she had given Josh. “Sam Seaborn.”

“Hi, Mrs. Lyman.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sam, call me Sophia.” She hugged him as well. “Well, come in then. Josh, your room is ready. Sam, I assume you’d like the spare room?”

Sam and Josh glanced at each other. Josh cleared his throat. “Yeah, Mom, that’s fine.”

“As long as it’s no trouble,” Sam added. “I’m happy to just sleep on the couch or—”

“Of course not,” Sophia told him. “You’re a guest, and you’ll be treated as such.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He smiled sheepishly.

She gestured them inside and instructed them to go drop their things off. Sam disappeared into the spare room next to Josh’s. Josh went into his own bedroom, dropping his duffel bag at the foot of the bed before collapsing onto his back on the mattress. He and Sam probably wouldn’t both have fit on the double bed anyway, but he still wished they could be together. He lifted his head and looked around the room. Since he had moved out, his mom had done only minimal redecoration — taking down his posters, storing his high school trophies, that sort of thing. Otherwise, the room had stayed pretty much the same over the years.

“Nice place,” Sam commented from the doorway. Josh looked over at him. Sam smiled and began exploring the room. “Where are all the embarrassing childhood photos?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll pull those out soon enough.”

Sam traced his fingers over the spines of the books on Josh’s shelf, tongue peeking out between his lips. He pulled a battered copy of _The Lord of the Rings_ out and flipped through the pages.

“Careful with that, I’m pretty sure the last half of it was already falling out when I bought it.”

“It’s practically an antique.”

“Fuck you.”

Sam winked at him and returned the book to the shelf. “ _Star Trek_? Damn, you were a nerd.”

“Like you weren’t?”

“Never claimed I wasn’t.”

“You still are one.”

“Takes one to know one, Joshua.”

Sam continued wandering around his room, examining his books and knick-knacks. Josh sat back up against the headboard and watched. It was a strange collision of worlds, seeing Sam in his childhood bedroom. Josh’s life after college had been so separated from his childhood that he often didn’t even think of them as pieces of the same lifetime. There were so many things that Josh went through at home that he had never talked about with anyone, even Sam. It almost felt wrong that Sam was there, invading the sanctity of Josh’s memories, the ones he had stored under lock and key and ignored as much as he could. But at the same time, the picture of Sam rifling through his boxes of comics and magazines tugged at something in Josh’s chest, sent a warm feeling through his entire body.

He could hear his mother doing something in the kitchen, and guessed that they had a few minutes until she came looking for them to tell some ridiculous, embarrassing story about Josh. Or show Sam the pictures. Josh shuddered. The _pictures_.

“Sam.”

Sam looked over his shoulder. “Hm?”

“C’mere.” Josh slid over to the edge of the mattress, setting his feet on the floor. Sam stepped closer, and Josh tugged him in by his sweatshirt, pulling at the fabric until Sam leaned in close enough that Josh could kiss him. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Sam smiled. “You were such a geek as a child.”

Josh pouted. “I was charming and adorable.”

“I’m sure.”

“You’re an ass.”

“That’s rude.” Sam kissed him again. “I’m not saying it’s a good thing we didn’t meet until you were well out of high school, but…”

“I hate you sometimes, you know that?”

“Yep.”

Josh rolled his eyes playfully. “You’re insufferable, Seaborn.”

“Yep,” he repeated, leaning in and pressing his lips to Josh’s. Josh hummed as Sam cupped his jaw. He pulled away after just a few seconds, too aware of the fact that his mother could walk in on them at any moment, and stood up. “You know I got a queen bed?”

“Gives me more incentive to come out, then, doesn’t it?”

“I figured it would.”

Josh nodded, ignoring the anxiety that prickled at the edges of his mind. He headed out to the kitchen, where Sophia was laying out food to make sandwiches for lunch. Josh cleared his throat, and she looked up.

“Settle in alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Mom.” He grabbed two glasses out of the cabinet and filled them with water, handing one to Sam. “So, what’s been going on?”

Sophia shot him a look. “Well, if you ever answered my calls…”

“How many times am I gonna have to apologize for that? I’m busy! I’m not purposely ignoring you.”

“I’m sure.” She turned to Sam. “How often do you call your mother, Sam?”

He looked at Josh for a second, then focused back on Sophia. “I try to call her once a week. Every other week, at the least. She likes to try to keep up with what’s going on.”

“Aha!” Sophia gestured at Josh with a knife. “He’s a better son than you are, Joshua.”

“Too bad you’re stuck with me.”

“Sam, I’m naming you my honorary son instead of Josh from this point forward.”

“I’m honored.”

“Traitor,” Josh muttered.

The rest of the day proceeded as normally as it could. Sophia, though she wasn’t a huge fan of politics, loved hearing about Sam and Josh’s work, and Sam was so good at talking and charming that Josh barely had to do anything. For most of the time, he just sat back and watched his mother and boyfriend interact. As daunting as it was, the fact that his mom already adored Sam made the prospect of opening up about their relationship slightly more palatable. Josh, however, had no earthly idea about how to bring it up, and Sam wasn’t doing much to help, either. Once Sophia had gone to bed that night, Josh headed into Sam’s room, where Sam was getting ready for bed, and closed the door behind him.

“That went well,” Josh said as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

He looked around the room. It had once been Joanie’s but had long since been redecorated. His parents had kept it as somewhat of a shrine to her for several years, but eventually realized the impracticality of it, and had packed most of her things into boxes that now sat in the basement, collecting dust. A few photos were still scattered around the room, a framed painting Joanie had done hanging on the wall. Before Josh had left home, he had often spent time alone whenever he needed a break from the world. It had become a comforting place, and he felt calmer sitting there than he had for a while.

Sam smiled at him. “Yeah, it did.”

“She loves you.”

“I have a gift with the older generations.”

“Clearly.” Josh stood and walked over to Sam, pulling him in and kissing him deeply. Sam made a sound in surprise but settled quickly, returning the kiss and settling his hands on Josh’s hips. His touch was cold where it met Josh’s skin where his t-shirt was riding up, and Josh shivered. He wrapped his arms around Sam’s neck, slipping his hands into Sam’s hair. Sam’s tongue brushed across his bottom lip, and Josh whined softly. He stepped backwards, pulling Sam with him until his legs hit the mattress, then turned them around and pushed Sam into a sitting position so he could straddle his lap.

“Baby,” Sam murmured into the kiss. Josh hummed in acknowledgement. Sam pulled away. “Josh, as much as I would be enjoying this... your mom is sleeping down the hall.”

“So?”

“So, I don’t think you want to wake her up with, you know, _this_. Unless you want to be the one to explain to her why her son and his coworker are having sex in her guest bedroom.”

“It’d be easier than coming out.”

“Josh.”

He sighed and nodded. “Yeah, yeah.” He kissed the corner of Sam’s mouth, and Sam squeezed his hips.

“Plus, if you ever thought I was going to fuck you in your childhood home—”

“You’re no fun.”

“You’re irresponsible.”

“I prefer _adventurous_.”

“I’m sure you do.” Sam smiled. “Now get out of here so I can go to bed.”

“No fun.” Josh stood up and helped Sam to his feet.

“Goodnight, Josh.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going.” He kissed Sam once more before he left him alone to go to his own bed.

—

The next morning was slightly nicer than the previous day. It still wasn’t sunny, but it was a bit warmer and wasn’t raining. It had been a while since Josh had visited the cemetery, but the route was practically ingrained into his mind. Sam watched out the window as Josh carefully navigated the curving roads, looking out over the headstones they passed. Josh slowed to a stop near a large tree and put the car in park. He took a deep breath before turning the car off and getting out. Sam walked around the car, carrying two bouquets, and took Josh’s hand with his free one. He glanced around, but the cemetery was completely empty, save for the rustling of wind and a few birds singing.

They picked their way past graves until they reached two that were all too familiar. Josh swallowed the lump that came to his throat and crouched down in front of the first, tracing over the letters and the star of David etched into stone.

“Hey, Dad,” he whispered. Sam handed him one of the bouquets, and Josh set it down carefully in front of the headstone. He straightened up and took a step back, clearing his throat. He reached out for Sam’s hand again, and it was there in an instant, a comforting pressure that kept him from losing it altogether. Josh squeezed gently, looking over at Sam. “Do you mind, uh, giving me a minute alone?”

“Course. Just come find me when you’re done, alright? Take as long as you need.” Sam left the second bouquet on the ground next to Josh and walked away, wandering through the maze of headstones. Josh cleared his throat.

“It’s been a while. That’s my fault, sorry.” He closed his eyes for a moment. “Well, not _really_ my fault. We get really busy down in Washington. Not a lot of chances to come visit. Mom gets after me for it all the time. Sometimes I wonder if she’d lay off if I had the President give her a call.” He laughed softly. “Leo says hi, too. Told me he wishes he could apologize for stealing your kid away and dragging him into politics. But it’s going well. Bartlet is really, really good. Everyone is. We’re up for reelection, and I really think we’re gonna win. I can’t believe… I can’t believe it’s been four years since I last saw you.” He swallowed the lump that was rising in his throat. “I wish you could see us, Dad. I know how much you hated all of this, but I swear, men like Jed Bartlet and Sam Seaborn would change your mind in a second.”

He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how to put his thoughts into words. It was harder than he expected it to be, and he wasn’t even talking to someone who could respond.

“I brought Sam with me. He’s the freaky genius writer that I never stopped talking about when I met him. I wish you had gotten to know him, seriously. You would have loved him. He’s ridiculously smart and quirky and cocky and funny… he’s a good guy.” He took a deep breath. In, out. Again. “He’s — he’s special, Dad. And not just in an, _‘Oh, he’s got real talent’_ kind of way. He does, but that’s not the only reason. He’s special to me. ‘Cause I — well, I’m, uh, gay. I’m gay, Dad, and I’m dating Sam, and it’s the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me.”

A small smile crept onto his lips.

“I mean that. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He’s something, he really is. You’d love him. I—” He faltered. “I really care about him.” He wiped away a tear he hadn’t realized was falling. “So, yeah. Life is good, and I’m gay, and I have a boyfriend. Crazy what happens when you’re not around. I miss you.” He crouched down again and pressed his palm against the cold stone, next to Noah’s name. He opened his mouth to speak again, but had nothing more to say, so he just sat in silence for a second, eyes tracing over the engravings on the headstone.

After a few minutes, he straightened up and retrieved the other bouquet. He turned to Joanie’s headstone and laid them down gingerly in front of it. His throat got choked up again, and he could only manage to whisper a tiny, _“Hey, Joanie,”_ but he knew that, if she had been listening, she wouldn’t have minded. They didn’t need to speak to each other in the same way Josh spoke to his father. He and Joanie had always just understood each other. They had fought, often, as siblings do, but they had something between them that was stronger than any stupid argument they could have. Josh had looked up to her. She was a superhero in his eyes. But superheroes were supposed to be invincible. Hot tears pricked at Josh’s eyes as that night flashed back through his mind. Heat, unbearable heat, Joanie screaming at him, Josh stumbling outside, turning back to watch the flames, waiting for Joanie to emerge from the inferno.

He coughed, the memory of smoke clogging his lungs. He fell forward onto his knees, and everything came rushing back, the hard ground and the cold breeze whistling past him. Josh reached out to touch the headstone.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I love you.” He choked back a sob, working on returning his breathing to normal. “I miss you.” A few more shaky breaths as he tried to recollect his thoughts. Joanie would have understood — she wouldn’t have hated him, or even judged him. He could see her now, smiling as he told her everything. Everything about him, about his work, about _Sam_. She would have gotten it. Josh smiled sadly. “You would’ve liked him, too. He’s smart. Like you. You would’ve gotten along too well, I think. Make my life miserable.” He traced over her name and again murmured, “I miss you.”

Josh eventually got to his feet and brushed the dirt off of his knees. He stepped back and looked at his family’s headstones. The bright flowers stood out against the dark gray of the stone, adding a tiny bit of color to the bleak landscape. Josh wiped his eyes and sniffled. He whispered a goodbye, then turned around and walked away.

Sam was exploring a little farther away, examining the different headstones. He looked up as Josh approached and gave him a smile.

“Everything alright?” he asked gently, reaching out towards Josh. Josh let himself fall into Sam’s arms, tucking his head against his neck. Sam held him tightly, pressing a kiss to his temple and whispering, “Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. They’d be so proud of you.”

They stayed liked that until Josh regained his composure enough to step away. He took Sam’s hand in his as they returned to the car.

When they got back to the house, Josh called Sophia into the living room. He and Sam sat down on the couch, and she settled into an armchair, a look of concern on her face. Josh fidgeted with his watch, undoing and redoing the clasp over and over.

“You’re making me nervous,” Sophia finally said.

Josh looked up at her. “Mom, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Okay. Is there something wrong?”

“No, not really. Just…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Mom, I’m — I’m—” Sam placed a hand on his back, pressing lightly against his spine. “I’m gay. I’m gay, and Sam isn’t just my friend. We’re, uh, together.”

He felt like he was going to puke. Sophia was silent. Her gaze flicked back and forth between them, lips slightly parted in shock. Josh squeezed his hand into a fist, fingernails digging into his palm along the scar. Sam slid his hand farther across Josh’s back, rubbing slow circles through his shirt.

“You’re gay,” his mom repeated. Josh nodded nervously. She wiped delicately beneath her eye, and Josh realized she was on the verge of tears. “Oh, Joshua…”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Mom.”

“Josh, sweetheart.” She got up and stepped closer to him. He dropped his head. She wrapped one arm around his shoulders and pulled him in. He rested his head against her stomach. “I love you so much. So, _so_ much.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again.

“No. No. None of that. It’s okay, honey. It’s okay.”

Sam removed his arm from around Josh and slid away, leaving just mother and son, both crying against each other. Josh took a deep, shaky breath. “You don’t hate me?”

Sophia lifted his chin to look him in the eyes. “Never. Nothing you do could make me hate you. You’re my son, and I love you to death. That’s never going to change. _I’m_ sorry.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me before. Whatever I did—”

“You never did anything.”

“I’m sorry I made you think I could hate you for this.” She leaned down and kissed his forehead. “I love you, and that doesn’t change. Ever. Got it?”

He smiled and nodded, wiping the tears off his cheeks. “I love you.”

She turned to Sam. “And _you_ , Mr. Seaborn.”

Sam smiled sheepishly. “Yes?”

“I’m so glad he found someone like you.”

“Me?” His cheeks flushed. Sophia nodded. “I do my best.” She let go of Josh to hug Sam just as tightly. Josh watched them, warmth spreading through his chest. The world hadn’t ended. His mom still loved him. His mom loved Sam. They were going to be okay.

———

They were lying in bed, Josh half-asleep and Sam sitting up against the pillows with a book in his hands. Josh gazed up at him, expression soft. It was never fair, he thought, when someone looked equally good with and without glasses. Sam was one of those lucky bastards. Without his glasses, he was gorgeous, but with them on, Josh suddenly felt like an undergrad with a crush on the hot young professor. _Not fair_.

He reached out his arm and draped it over Sam’s waist. Sam finally broke concentration from his reading to look down and smile at Josh. He lifted one hand and ran it through Josh’s hair. Josh leaned into the contact, eyes closing. He was never going to get used to this. He was falling asleep in Sam’s bed. Sam was shirtless next to him. He hadn’t been home to his own apartment all weekend. Never before had Josh had a relationship this serious. It was still a bit of shock. Usually, he backed out of these things after three or four dates — he had never let himself get this involved with another person. Half of that, maybe, was because he had been trying for years to get involved with women, but the other half certainly had something to do with Sam. Josh smiled and cuddled in closer, his head now resting on Sam’s stomach. Sam continued to absentmindedly card his fingers through Josh’s hair, engrossed in his novel.

“Sam,” Josh murmured. Sam nodded but finished the page he had been reading before moving his book to the side to meet Josh’s eyes. Josh waited for a second to build up the courage to ask, “What would you think of us moving in together?”

Sam pursed his lips. He picked up his bookmark from the nightstand and slid it between the pages, then set the book down. “Are you serious?”

“I—” No, he wasn’t going to backtrack this time. “Yeah. I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it? We’ve been spending more time at each other’s than our own places lately. I’ve doubled my grocery list because you keep coming over to cook. It’s practical.”

A raised eyebrow and a light smile. “So that’s the only reason? Practicality?”

Josh blushed. “Also, because I really like you and want to live with you?”

“There it is.” Sam leaned down and kissed him. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes. I want to move in together.” Josh grinned, lifting himself up to kiss Sam more firmly. “But whose apartment?”

“Mine. It’s bigger.”

“You’ve clearly thought this through.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Not at all. And I can’t really argue with you, either, hm?”

“Nope.” He pecked Sam’s lips again. “Plus, I don’t think you really want to.”

“I do not. But in a couple weeks, okay? I don’t want to get stuck paying for another full month’s rent if I’m not going to be living here.”

“Deal. It’ll give us time to pack up all your shit, anyway.”

“Hey! I don’t have that much stuff.”

“Samuel, babe, you still have trophies from your high school debate team.”

“…I was good at it.”

“As evidenced by the trophies.”

Sam rolled his eyes half-heartedly. “I may be reconsidering your offer, Lyman. Don’t push it.”

Josh pressed their lips together again, shifting into a sitting position for a better angle. Sam hummed against his mouth and cupped Josh’s jaw in his hand. When they pulled back for air a few moments later, he rested his forehead on Josh’s and brushed across his cheek with his thumb.

“Josh?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

Josh froze. He tried to open his mouth to respond, but he couldn’t. Sam must have felt him tense up, because he gently kissed him before pulling back a little farther and whispering his name a couple more times. Josh swallowed hard, shaking his head lightly. Sam slipped his hand into Josh’s and squeezed. One, two, three. Josh remembered how to breathe.

“Sam, I—” he finally managed to choke out.

“ _Josh_.” It was quiet, gentle, like Sam’s touch on his skin. “Josh, it’s okay. You don’t — you don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know. Because I do. I love you so much, Joshua Lyman. I’ve known it for a long time, I think. I feel like I’ve known it — I should have known it — since the day you showed up at my office in the pouring rain, like some sort of cliché romance movie, and dragged me to New Hampshire. I should’ve known at that moment that you were the one. It sounds stupid,” he laughed softly, “and as a writer, it _pains_ me to say something that lame, but it’s true. There’s never been anyone else. I’m in love with you.”

Josh forgot every word in the English language besides Sam’s name, and he whispered it again, voice breaking.

“I should’ve known it way back then. But I didn’t — I didn’t realize until…” He took a shaky breath. “Until Rosslyn. When I saw you sitting against that wall with blood covering your shirt and they took you away from me and I didn’t know what to _do_ because you were gone, and everything was so chaotic, and I ran around like a madman trying to find someone to drive me to the hospital because I needed to be with you. And then I got there, and they were saying you had been asking for me and they were wheeling you into surgery and I was so fucking _scared_ , because I couldn’t lose you, I _couldn’t_.” He wiped at the tears that were beginning to fall down his cheeks. “And I realized — I realized that I wanted it to be me. That I wanted it to be me on that stretcher, halfway to bleeding to death, because if it was me it wouldn’t have been you and it would’ve meant that you were safe.”

Josh started crying now, and he couldn’t manage to say anything else but another small _“Sam,”_ but Sam kept going.

“I would take a goddamn bullet for you, Joshua Lyman. Over and over again. Without hesitation. Every time that night replays in my head, I think of how I — if I had been closer to you, if I had somehow— somehow gotten there first, you wouldn’t have…”

“Sam, _stop_.” They were both crying now, shoulders shaking. Josh surged forward and kissed Sam fiercely, thinking that maybe he could kiss away the pain and the memories and Sam thinking that it somehow would’ve been _better_ if it had been him. As if Josh wouldn’t have spent the rest of his life thinking the exact same thing. The scar on his chest was burning. “God, stop. I don’t even want to think about that.”

“I was crying in the waiting room. Leo and CJ, they — they had no idea what to do. I was such a mess. I couldn’t even bring myself to care about the President. That’s how bad it was. My boss, the leader of the free world, was in surgery to fix his own bullet wound, and I couldn’t even care because I was too worried about you.” He took in a slow, deep breath. “I’ve never felt as relieved in my entire life as when the doctor came out and told us you were going to be okay. And that’s — that’s when I knew. I love you, and I’m never going to love anyone as much as this.”

Josh swallowed hard, choking back more sobs. His stomach was turning over, and he closed his eyes and forced his body to calm down. Rich’s voice echoed through his mind, walking him through calming down. He focused on Sam’s hands, Sam’s touch keeping him in place, Sam’s quiet breathing.

“Don’t say you wish it had been you,” he whispered. “ _Please_.”

“Josh—”

“No. You don’t get to say that, Sam. You don’t.” He looked directly into Sam’s eyes. “Because it shouldn’t have been. It happened. I wish it didn’t. We all do. But it _happened_ , and it wasn’t you, it was me, but we both survived. We made it out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I spent so long thinking it should have been different, Sam. So many times while I was recovering and when I started going to therapy and even now, I think about how it could have been different. How maybe I could have gotten out of there without a bullet lodged in my chest.”

It had been one of the things that he and his therapist had focused on — after his flashbacks stopped happening so often, once Josh could have a conversation about the shooting without reliving it, they had talked about what could have been different. Rich had told Josh that there wasn’t much of a point living in the past anymore. They couldn’t change what had happened. As much as he wanted to, Josh couldn’t go back to that night and change what he had done, walk slower or closer to Sam or wait a few more minutes before leaving the building. The fact that Sam wanted to change it, that Sam wanted to be the one who had almost _died_ , made Josh want to throw something.

“I couldn’t have lived with myself if it was you. It wouldn’t have been better. I would have lost it, Sam. I don’t know what I would have done, but it would’ve been ugly. I need you. I need you so badly it hurts. If it had been you at Rosslyn, and I had almost lost you… I’ve had nightmares about it. It’s not just me being shot. It started — every once in a while, it’s you instead. And I’m always so fucking _helpless_ , and it makes me wish I still had a bullet in my chest. Seeing you — imagining you getting hurt… I’d rather be shot a thousand times than have it be you, Sam.”

Sam kissed him slowly. “I love you. I love you so goddamn much. When I saw you — when it happened… I was terrified I was going to lose you. I thought I was going to lose you. I didn’t believe the doctors until I saw you for myself after surgery. I’d never been more scared in my entire life than I was sitting in that waiting room. It shouldn’t have taken something like that to make me finally realize that I was in love with you and it was never going to go away. I couldn’t pass it off as a best friend thing anymore. I love you.”

“Sam,” he murmured, a reminder to himself that Sam was there, and he wasn’t going anywhere.

“I’m in love with you.” He brushed his thumb over Josh’s cheek, kissing him again. Josh leaned into his hand.

“You don’t get to say you wish it had been you,” Josh whispered. “I couldn’t live with myself if it had been you.”

Sam ran his hands down Josh’s sides, then lifted up the bottom of his shirt, silently asking for permission. Josh nodded, and Sam pulled the fabric off, casting it to the side. He spread his hands over Josh’s chest, searing into his skin. Josh closed his eyes and stayed still as Sam traced nonsense patterns over his torso. Eventually, Sam’s hand came to rest across Josh’s ribs, thumb brushing over his scar. Sam leaned in and pressed a kiss, impossibly light, to the skin. Josh shivered and peeked open his eyes to look down at Sam. Sam traced the outline of the scar with his kisses, and Josh thought his skin had caught fire.

He had thought that Sam had despised the scar, and he was finally starting to understand why. The mark was a reminder of the night that had almost torn Josh away from Sam. Josh didn’t like to think of it that way — he didn’t like to think about what would have happened if he hadn’t woken up. He didn’t like to think of Rosslyn at all when he could help it. Sam was usually the same way. Normally, he avoided Josh’s scar at all costs, like he was somehow going to rip Josh open again if he strayed too close. But now Sam was treating it almost reverently, murmuring nonsense sounds against Josh’s chest. Josh slipped his fingers into Sam’s hair, ignoring the tears falling down his cheeks. He didn’t know what the feeling in his chest was, and it was uncomfortable, but at the same time filled him with a sense of peace.

Sam looked up at him. “I love you.”

Josh kissed him again. Sam brought one hand back up to up to Josh’s jaw. They stayed like that, slowly, gingerly moving their lips against one another’s, until the tears finally started drying off of their cheeks, and Josh pulled away, just slightly, to whisper, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For not saying…”

“Stop it,” Sam murmured. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I love you. That’s all that has to be said. I’m in love with you, and I want to live with you and cook you dinner and sleep in the same bed for a very, _very_ long time. I want to memorize your morning routine and argue about whose turn it is to buy groceries. Hell, I want to get a cat or something.” Josh laughed softly at that. “Whatever it is I’m doing next, I want to do it with you.”

“Did you…” He trailed off, biting his bottom lip.

Sam kissed his cheek. “What?”

“When we were in Connecticut, and you said you would be open to kids… did you mean it?”

“Yes,” Sam responded immediately. “I didn’t want — I still don’t want to scare you off…”

“You couldn’t.”

“I think I’d be okay with this being it. You and me. I mean, marriage, kids, a real house, the whole deal.” He smiled.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Guess we gotta work on moving that gay marriage bill back into the House, huh?”

Sam laughed and nodded, and his smile was so bright that Josh wouldn’t have been surprised if he had been blinded by it. “I love you.”

Instead of saying anything, Josh leaned in and kissed Sam, tentative at first but quickly gaining confidence as Sam returned the pressure. He lifted his hand and brought it around the back of Sam’s neck, tangling his fingers in his hair. He tugged lightly, and Sam groaned quietly into the kiss.

Josh wasn’t sure if he knew what it felt like to be in love with someone else. He loved his parents, of course, and the rest of his family. Leo. CJ. Donna, most of the time. Even Toby. But he had never experienced the feeling of being hopelessly, recklessly in love with another person. He thought what he felt for Sam might be something close. Whenever Sam’s hand brushed his, or Sam kissed him, or Sam wiggled his way onto a couch that was way too small for two people just to be closer to him, Josh felt like he was standing in the open door of an airplane, staring at the ground flying past miles below. Sam’s confession was a nudge, and Josh was suddenly free falling, cold air whipping past his face as he fell faster and faster and faster. He tugged at Sam again, desperate to get closer. Sam sighed against his lips and Josh, for some reason, felt more warm tears begin to slide down his face. He broke apart just to stare at Sam, meeting his bright blue eyes.

“Hey, are you okay?” Sam asked softly.

Josh nodded. “I’m perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we all deserve a mother like sophia lyman, honestly (josh especially). also, i made myself a little emotional writing sam's "i love you," so I hope y'all had similar reactions. samjosh are soft and in love and deserve everything good the world has to offer x


	7. Chapter 7

Congress was mankind’s worst invention. Josh was convinced. Long gone were the good old days of monarchies, when he wouldn’t have had to deal with stupid junior delegates arguing with every single line of their bills. As if they knew more than the White House senior staff. Even Donna probably knew more than these idiots. The fact that these particular delegates were from _Alabama_ didn’t make it any better.

“I’m going to kill them,” he muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“‘Them’ who?” Sam asked, not looking up from his laptop.

“Congress. Every last one of them.”

“I think that might be counterintuitive.”

“I think it might be our only hope.”

“Don’t be such a drama queen, Joshua.”

“Fine, but when I’m on the news for taking out the entirety of the United States legislative branch, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Sam looked over the top of his laptop screen and raised an eyebrow at Josh. Josh picked up his copy of the bill from where it had been laying on his chest, flipping through the pages and reexamining the highlighted sections. They had been so close to getting it passed, before a delegate decided to propose an amendment. Stupid Alabamans. The state didn’t deserve to exist.

Leo took his glasses off and set them on his desk. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath. “What time is it?”

“Quarter past two,” Toby replied. Everyone let out quiet groans at that.

“Alright, I’m calling it. We’re not going to get anything substantial done at this point. We’ll reset and talk about it again in the morning. Everyone go home.”

 _Thank God._ Josh managed to force himself up off the couch. He made quick eye contact with Sam and tilted his head just slightly. Sam nodded, and Josh smiled. They gathered their things, carrying their coats over their arms, and left as quickly as could be considered casual. Josh managed to hold it together until they reached Sam’s apartment. It wasn’t until they were inside the door that Josh snapped, barely letting Sam set down his coat and briefcase before he pushed him against the wall, connecting their lips in an aggressive kiss.

Sam grunted and pulled Josh closer, grabbing his hips and digging his fingers in to keep Josh in place. He parted his laps against Josh’s, deepening the kiss and making Josh a little bit too warm. He broke off and looked at Sam. Sam’s pupils were blown, his lips already red, and Josh grinned, proud of himself. He loved the effect he had on Sam, loved that _he_ was the one who got to make Sam look like this.

“Missed you,” Sam breathed.

“You’ve been with me all day,” Josh teased.

A quiet growl left Sam’s lips and he bucked his hips up into Josh’s. Josh, all humor gone, grabbed Sam and dragged him into the bedroom. They shed their clothes as quickly as possible and all but collapsed onto the bed, a mix of hands and kisses and soft groans. Josh pressed his lips just below Sam’s ear and smiled when he felt Sam shiver beneath his hands.

“You’re such a tease,” Sam whined softly.

“What are you going to do about it?” Now it was Sam’s turn to grin, and he flipped them over, pinning Josh’s wrists against the mattress.

“I’ll show you.”

—

He changed his mind. Congress wasn’t the worst of mankind’s inventions, though it was a close second. Number one, however, was alarm clocks. _Fuck whoever created this bullshit_ was his first pleasant thought the next morning, as Sam’s alarm shrieked on the nightstand next to his head. He reached over and smacked the top of the infernal device until the noise finally stopped.

He rolled over to get his first look at Sam, who somehow was still asleep, chest rising and falling steadily. Josh took a moment to admire his work from the night before — small purple bruises lined Sam’s collarbones and hips, carefully placed so they would be covered by his shirt. Josh traced Sam’s hipbone with a light finger, admiring how soft and warm the skin was under his touch. He broke out of his trance to glance at the clock and swore softly.

“Sam,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to Sam’s jaw. Sam whined quietly, cuddling in closer to Josh. Nothing like a sleepy Sam to make Josh feel like the worst person in the world. “Sam, hon, it’s time to get up. We’re going to be late.” One eye cracked open, then the other.

“Call in sick,” he muttered.

“You know, I would _love_ to, but for one, that would be slightly suspicious, and for two, Leo would hate us forever if we didn’t come in today.” He nudged Sam. “C’mon. I’ll wash your hair for you if you get out of bed right now.”

“Fine,” he huffed. Josh smiled and rolled out of bed, tapping Sam’s ankle as he walked towards the bathroom. He heard Sam extracting himself from the sheets as he moved to follow his boyfriend.

It wasn’t until after they were showered and Sam was half-dressed that Josh realized there was a slight issue with the situation, and he swore under his breath. “Sam, I don’t have a change of clothes.”

Sam turned to face him, collar popped and tie half-done around his neck. He looked confused for a second, then made the connection. “Oh, shit.”

They hadn’t made this mistake since they first started spending the night at each other’s apartments, and it had never happened a night before they had work. Josh wanted to smack himself.

As it stood now, there were only two options: Josh wear his clothes from the previous day again, which would _definitely_ be noticed, or borrow something from Sam’s closet. He had no time to stop at home before work unless he wanted to show up even later than he and Sam were already going to be. Borrowing Sam’s clothes seemed like the better option, as long as no one recognized them as such. Sam retrieved a suit for Josh to borrow, and he quickly put it on. The sleeves of the shirt were just a tiny bit too short, and the jacket was snugger than usual on his shoulders, but overall, it would work. They didn’t have any other choice but to make it work.

Josh hurried into his office about fifteen minutes later than usual, trying to appear as casual as possible. He glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention to him; they were all focused on their own work. However, as Josh dropped his backpack and removed his jacket, as if she had been waiting specifically for that moment, Donna peeked her head around the doorframe. 

She started to say something, then paused, considering Josh for a second. She stepped farther into his office and crossed her arms. Josh gulped, doing his best not to make eye contact. “Did you get a new suit? I don’t think it’s the right size.”

“None of your business,” he snapped. After seeing the hurt look that flashed across her face, he quickly added, “Sorry, I didn’t mean that. It was a long night. Just leave it alone, would you?” She nodded and handed him a memo, listed his meetings for the day, and left. Josh sighed and collapsed onto his chair, flipping through papers. He had about ten minutes before the senior staff meeting with Bartlet, and he called Donna back in to request a cup of coffee before laying back in his chair and trying to get five more minutes of sleep.

“I don’t think the amendment is going to make that much of a difference, sir,” Leo was saying as Josh and Sam walked into the office. Sam, despite the lack of sleep the night before, looked just as put together as he normally did. Josh kind of hated him. “It’s just inconvenient that they decided to attach it _now_. I haven’t heard anything about switching votes yet.”

“I did,” Sam spoke up. Everyone turned to him. “Sorry. Good morning, sir. I just heard Rutherford hopped the fence.”

“Rutherford? Really?” Bartlet muttered.

“Rutherford is spineless,” Josh added. “I’m sure someone just told him to do it. We can probably get him back pretty easily.”

Leo nodded. “Josh, that’ll probably be up to you. He knows you. We can lay out a plan later. Have you looked at the new poll numbers yet?”

“Not yet. We were planning on doing that later.”

“Alright. I think that’s it, then.”

“Thank you, everyone,” Bartlet said. There was a chorus of _“Thank you, Mr. President”_ s as they filed out of the Oval Office.

—

A little while later, after they had been going over polling numbers and press releases and answers to the questions that the press would ask about some new bills and initiatives and the election for what felt like forever, Josh abandoned his jacket and notes in CJ’s office to get a cup of coffee. Donna was standing near the coffee maker, gossiping with other assistants. She glanced up and smiled at Josh, until her eyes fell on the left side of his chest and the smile dropped off her lips. Josh glanced down at his shirt pocket and internally screamed a few choice words. He turned on his heel and hurried back towards CJ’s office, but Donna was quick behind him. She reached him just as he entered the room, and everyone looked up as she spoke.

“Josh, what’s on your pocket?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

CJ raised an eyebrow, and Josh moved to cover his pocket with his hand, but not quickly enough. “…I didn’t know your initials were S.N.S, Josh.”

Josh felt all of the blood drain from his face, and he forced himself not to look over at Sam, who he knew had to be panicking as much as he was. He cleared his throat, eyes darting from person to person. “I, um, spilled coffee on my shirt this morning—”

“No, you didn’t,” Donna responded, extremely unhelpfully.

Finally, he looked at Sam, whose cheeks were as white as he suspected his own were, and shook his head. Sam coughed quietly. “It’s mine. He’s wearing my shirt.”

Silence. Everyone was looking back and forth between Josh and Sam as their brains caught up with what they were seeing, mentally connecting the pieces.

“Oh, _boys_ ,” CJ said, her tone shockingly gleeful for the severity of the situation. “Honestly, I can’t say I’m surprised.” Josh’s cheeks went warm, and he sat back down, covering his face with his hands. CJ started laughing. Donna still seemed to be in a state of shock, and Toby definitely would rather have been literally anywhere else but there. Josh peeked out from behind his hands to catch Sam looking at him, concern etched into his features.

“You’re—” Donna began, then stopped. She shook her head and tried again. “You guys are…”

Sam coughed again. “Together. Yeah.”

“That’s cute,” CJ said. “You guys are cute.” Sam smiled slightly, his cheeks flushed.

“Are we in trouble?” Josh asked.

“Not with us, of course you’re not,” CJ answered. “But it would be best to keep news like that as far away from the press room as possible. You’ve managed to hide it so far, even from me, which is, I will say, extremely impressive. We’ll keep it on the down low for now.” She gave Josh and Sam a pointed look. “Be extra careful about it, though. If you even _suspect_ someone might know, make sure you come and tell me. We don’t want any surprises, especially not when we’re coming up on an election.”

Sam and Josh nodded. Josh let out the breath he had been holding, shoulders finally relaxing. Sam reached over and gently squeezed his knee, and he jumped slightly before setting back into his seat.

“We’re gonna need to tell the President, right? And Leo?” Sam asked.

CJ nodded. “That would be best. You want to do it today?”

Josh looked over at Sam. “We probably should. We can see if we can catch a few minutes with them later?”

“Yeah.” Sam looked slightly nervous at the idea of coming out to Bartlet, but he put on a smile and a brave face.

“So, you’re… gay?” Donna asked.

“Kind of,” Sam answered. “I’m, uh, bisexual.”

“I’m gay,” Josh said quietly. He wasn’t _fully_ expecting the building to come crashing down around them when he said it, but it was still slightly surprising that no cracks appeared in the ceiling. Everyone else was quiet for a moment as they adjusted to the new developments. Josh glanced at Donna, who smiled almost apologetically before leaving silently. Toby was rubbing his temples, and Josh couldn’t quite tell whether he was frustrated by the situation or relieved that he was no longer the only one who knew. Josh suspected it was probably both.

CJ cleared her throat. “So, moving on, I guess?”

The meeting proceeded smoothly from that point on. When Josh returned to his office, he was surprised to find Donna waiting for him, her arms crossed and a stern look on her face. He recognized that look. He was about to get yelled at for sure. She went into the office before him, waiting for the door to close before she snapped.

“How couldn’t you tell me?” she demanded. “I tell you everything. Why didn’t you trust me with this?”

“Donna, we weren’t telling anyone. It wasn’t personal.”

“Toby knew.”

“How on earth could you possibly have figured that out?”

“I’m really good at reading people.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder. “But why would you tell _Toby_ and not me?”

“We didn’t exactly tell him. He found out a while ago. Before the State of the Union. He kinda… uh…” He was blushing again. “He walked in on us in Sam’s office.”

“What were you doing in Sam’s office?”

“You know, I’m not really comfortable answering that question.”

“How long?”

“Huh?”

“How long have you been together?”

He thought for a second. “Five months? Almost six.”

She shook her head. “Five _months_? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“I’m sorry. Seriously. But it wasn’t safe to talk about it, and if I told you I would’ve felt bad about not telling everyone else, and then it would’ve been an even bigger issue—”

“You let me think you were straight!”

“Sorry?”

“Five years. Five years I’ve known you, and you let me think you were straight this entire time.”

“Uh…” Was he supposed to apologize?

She sighed and brushed her hair out of her face. “Sorry, I’m being stupid. I know I shouldn’t blame you, it’s just…” She paused and laughed softly at herself. “Sorry. I just — I thought maybe you liked _me_.” Josh couldn’t help the snort that escaped him, and Donna looked offended.

“Sorry! I don’t mean to laugh, but Donna, you’re like my _sister_.”

“I’m a catch,” she said matter-of-factly. Josh chuckled and nodded. Donna tilted her head as she looked at him, squinting her eyes thoughtfully. Josh shifted uncomfortably, tapping his fingers against his desk.

“Can you stop looking at me like that? You’re freaking me out.”

Donna blinked and shook her head like she was surprised to hear Josh’s voice. “Now that I think about it, I totally should’ve seen it coming.”

“What?”

She smiled. “Now that I think about it… it makes sense.”

Was it really that easy to read him as gay? Josh was getting tired of people saying it made sense. He didn’t want people to know he was gay until he told them. It was his business and his business only. But it was _Donna_ , so he guessed it was more okay than if it had been anyone else. Donna had always known him better than anyone else (save for Sam). He shouldn’t have been surprised to figure out that she had known, or guessed.

“Me being gay?”

“Not so much that as you having the hots for Sam.”

Josh sputtered for a second. “ _What?_ ”

“You’ve totally always had the hots for Sam. It’s cute, really. You two are cute.”

He shook his head indignantly. “I didn’t — I don’t — I never had the _hots_ for Sam! Shut up!”

Donna laughed as Josh’s face went bright red. He tried to look angry but could tell from her gleeful expression that he was failing miserably.

“You had a crush on Sam,” she teased. He rolled his eyes. “I should have seen it sooner. I’m a great wing woman, you know. I could’ve helped you out. Moved the process along a little quicker. God knows how you idiots didn’t realize the sexual tension years before now.” 

“I’m this close to firing you.”

“Okay, okay. Shutting up now.”

Josh dragged his hand over his face, taking a deep breath.

“Hey, Donna?”

“What?”

“Did you…” He felt stupid even asking. “Did you ever, you know, like me?’

She paused a second, apparently considering her answer carefully. “Yeah. I did. For a little while, when I first joined the campaign. It wasn’t serious, though, if you’re worried about that. Just a stupid thing. Why?”

“Something Joey Lucas said a few months ago… she thought you had feelings for me.”

“I always thought _she_ liked you.”

“Damn, I’m just pulling women left and right.” He grinned.

Donna rolled her eyes. “I’m sure. Such a shame for them, isn’t it?”

“It really is.” He laughed quietly. “So, we’re okay? You’re done hating me now?”

“I guess,” she relented. “You’re lucky I love you, Joshua.”

“I know. Love you too, Donna.”

She bit her lip, still staring at him intently.

“Can I help you?”

Donna sighed. “I went out on a date last weekend.”

Josh raised an eyebrow. “…okay? Why are you telling me?”

“I always tell you about my dates.”

“Did it go as badly as they always do?”

She rolled her eyes and hit his arm. “No. But there’s something about it I wanted to tell you.”

“Oh God, he’s a Republican, isn’t he?” He shook his head, hitting his palm against the desk. “I told you that you need to stop going out with Republicans, Donna. They’re the _enemy_. I know the young ones are sometimes alright, but overall they’re all wrinkly and racist and homophobic and—”

“He isn’t a Republican, Josh. Will you chill out?” She sighed. “Actually, uh, she’s an assistant for a Democratic senator.”

Josh froze, staring at Donna. “She?”

Donna nodded, rapidly clicking the pen she was holding in her hand. The sound was threatening to drive Josh insane. He shrugged.

“As long as she isn’t a Republican.”

Donna grinned and hugged him. His reaction was delayed for a second due to his surprise, but he returned the hug tightly. Him and Donna both. It seemed like it should have been impossible, the two of them finding each other, but Josh guessed it kind of made sense. Birds of a feather flock together, and all that. Maybe every gay person just had a sense for every other one.

“So, both of us, huh?” he asked, smiling.

“I wanted to tell you before, I really did, but I just never found the right time.”

“Are you trying to steal my thunder right now, Moss?”

“Maybe a little. It’s about time I got the attention I deserve.” She flipped her hair dramatically over her shoulder. Josh laughed. “But now I don’t have to worry about you stealing any of the women I have my eye on.”

“I can be a great wingman, you know.”

“Josh, you _suck_ at being a wingman.”

“That hurts.”

“The truth usually does.” She smiled at him. “Just keep this quiet, okay? I don’t want to lose my job.”

A surge of protectiveness washed over Josh. “I’d never let that happen, Donna. As long as I have a job here, I promise you do, too. And when you outgrow this place, I write pretty decent letters of recommendation. My younger cousin totally has me to thank for getting into Harvard.”

“You are so full of yourself.”

“And lovable. Don’t forget lovable.”

“Watch yourself, Joshua.”

“You know I’m lovable. C’mon, admit it.” He grinned.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I changed my mind. You’re fired.”

“You would never,” she shot back over her shoulder as she left the office. “I’m way too valuable.”

Josh sighed defeatedly before calling after her, “Yeah, well, the threat is always there!”

“Go see the President!” she responded.

—

“Sam, Josh, welcome back. I thought I was done with you for the day,” Bartlet said, almost jokingly, as they walked into the Oval Office. They stood behind the couch, Josh bouncing anxiously on his heels. Bartlet’s expression changed to concern. “Is everything alright?”

Josh rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes?”

“That didn’t sound very confident,” Leo muttered. “Please don’t tell me you did something that’s going to make front page news again. No more call girls, I swear.” He shot a pointed look at Sam, who blushed and nodded.

“No, no call girls. But, ah, this is something that I guess _could_ make the front page, depending on how we go about it. Actually, it definitely will. So, you know, we wanted to be in control of the narrative, because it’s gonna be a big deal, so we’re here to tell you about it before the _Post_ does, because—”

“Sam, take a breath,” Bartlet interrupted, cutting off Sam’s rambling. “Will you two sit down? You’re making me nervous.” They took seats on the couch, not close enough to be touching but close enough that Josh felt comforted. He fidgeted with the buttons on the sleeves of his shirt, unbuttoning and rebuttoning them over and over. He glanced at Sam, hoping he would take the hint to speak up first. Josh was not built to deal with these situations. He was already on the verge of a mental breakdown, and they hadn’t even said anything yet.

Sam cleared his throat. “Uh, earlier today, Donna and CJ found out something that we’ve been keeping under wraps for a few months, and we decided it would be best to inform you so that everyone is on the same page and it isn’t a shock later if some media outlet gets a hold of it.” He took a deep breath. “I’m bisexual, and Josh is gay, and we’ve been seeing each other since November.”

The room had never been so quiet. The air felt heavy around them. Josh couldn’t bear to look at Bartlet or Leo. He kept his head down, staring at the floor. He didn’t want to see their expressions, because he knew that if he did, he would immediately start overanalyzing their reactions before they had a chance to speak.

“Took you long enough,” Leo said finally. “You’ve been acting like lovestruck high schoolers since the day Sam joined the campaign.”

Josh looked up. “What?”

Leo winked at him but didn’t offer an explanation. Sam, fidgeting anxiously in his seat, asked, “Are we going to be in trouble?”

“Of course, you won’t be,” Bartlet reassured them. “You haven’t done anything wrong. Besides lying to the President, of course.” He raised an eyebrow.

“But the press, the public—”

“We’ll deal with the press and the public,” Leo interjected. “Don’t worry about it yet. Anyone tries to yank the rug out from under you, we’ll take care of it.”

“So, we’re okay?”

“You’re fine.” The President nodded. “We’ll figure out a way to deal with the fallout. Thank you for telling us, boys. I’m proud to be your boss, you know.”

“We’re proud to work for you, sir,” Sam responded. Bartlet stood up, and the other three men did the same. Bartlet shook their hands, and Sam and Josh left the room. Josh felt dazed and confused, slightly unsteady on his feet. They had just come out to the fucking _President of the United States_. And Bartlet had barely batted an eye. Josh guessed they could consider that a win.

Sam followed Josh back to his office and closed the door behind them. “That went well.”

Josh nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Babe.”

“Yeah.”

“Say something else. You’re freaking me out.” Sam stepped closer and cupped Josh’s jaw in his hands. “Look at me, sweetheart.”

Josh met his eyes. “Sorry. It’s just sinking in still. This morning only seven people in the world, including us, knew about this, and now the _President_ knows. Donna knows. Leo knows. It’s — it’s a lot.”

“I know. But hey, it went okay. He didn’t immediately ask for our resignations.” Sam smiled, and Josh softened.

“Always looking on the bright side, Seaborn.”

“Sometimes you need to.” He kissed Josh softly. “I love you.” It sent a bolt of lightning through Josh’s chest, even though Sam had been saying it for weeks now, as often as he could. Josh was still getting used to the idea; he didn’t quite understand that Sam was in love with him, that Sam could say it so casually, like it was the simplest thing in the world to say his feelings out loud, to be open and honest about it. He didn’t understand how Sam could keep saying it even when Josh couldn’t return it. He felt guilty about it, but Sam didn’t seem to care that Josh hadn’t found it in himself to be able to say it back. Sam loved him anyway.

Josh kissed him in response.

“I’m gonna get back to work, okay?” Sam murmured. “I’ll see you in a bit. Dinner at your place, right?”

“Yeah.” Josh smirked. “Don’t forget a change of clothes.”

Sam laughed, and the sound sent warmth through Josh’s chest. “Why I should hurry up and move in, right?”

“Would solve a lot of problems.”

“I’m working on it.”

“I know.” Josh kissed him once more. “Now get out of here, slacker.” He pushed Sam towards the door, and Sam made a face at him before leaving.

———

“Alright, everyone, get out. You have jobs to do.” The staff started collecting their things to leave Leo’s office. “Josh, stick around for a moment, would you?” Josh nodded and set his papers back down on the table. He watched as the others all left. Sam glanced back over his shoulder to give Josh an encouraging smile before closing the door. Leo moved from his desk chair to the armchair next to the couch. Josh fiddled with the fabric of his tie. He and Leo had barely spoken one-on-one since Sam and Josh had come out to him, and it was a little nerve-wracking to be alone with him.

He didn’t want to be the one to break the silence, so he waited until Leo finally spoke.

“So. You and Sam, huh?” There was a rare light smile on Leo’s face.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so.” Josh laughed nervously. Had Leo changed his mind? Were they actually going to be in trouble for this?

“I’m surprised it took this long.” He had said a similar thing the day he found out, but Josh had figured that had just been a joke to lighten the tension. He rubbed the back of his neck. Leo didn’t seem angry, but he wasn’t usually the easiest person to read.

“Did you know?”

“That you’re into men? I had a bit of a hunch. And I could’ve seen Sam coming. There’s always been something there. I’ll say I’d rather he date you than my daughter. The two of you… yeah, I can’t say I’m particularly shocked.”

“Seems like everyone else noticed before we did.”

“Guess so. Your old man ever know?”

He shook his head. “It took me a really long time to figure out. Even longer to feel comfortable talking about it. Sam was the first person I ever told.” Josh bounced his leg, heel tapping rhythmically on the rug. “You’re okay with it? Me being gay?”

Something flickered across Leo’s face, but it was gone before Josh could figure out what is was. “Josh, we work for one of the most liberal presidents in the last century. We’ve pushed over and over again for pro-gay legislation. Did you really think I would give a damn about who you sleep with?”

“I thought it might be different if it was me. I mean, Leo, you’ve known me since I was a kid. I just…” He sighed. “I didn’t want you to think of me differently.”

“As long as it isn’t something that impacts your work, it’s not going to make me think any different of you. You’re too good at your job. But if you tell me you’ve killed a man and need my help hiding the body, then yeah, I’m probably going to have to judge you a bit more harshly.”

Josh smiled. He could feel tears starting to pool in the corners of his eyes but refused to let them fall. He wasn’t about to let himself cry in front of _Leo_ of all people. He looked down at his lap and took a deep breath. “Thanks, Leo.”

“You’re a good deputy, kid. You blow me away every day. Your father would be proud of you. Hell, _I’m_ proud of you.” Leo reached over and grabbed his shoulder, shaking him gently. “Josh, ever since your old man passed… before that, actually. You know, I love Mallory, but I always wished I could’ve had a son. Since you started working for us, I realized I didn’t need one. I had you. You’re a smart man and a _damn_ good deputy. I’m proud to call you my son.”

Nope, he wasn’t going to be able to keep it in. Josh let out a sob, and the tears started falling down his cheeks. He dropped his head into his hands, shoulders shaking. The weight of Leo’s hand left, but it was quickly replaced by him sitting down next to Josh and wrapping his arm around Josh’s shoulders. He patted Josh’s upper arm. Josh sniffled and looked up. 

“Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for. Don’t even worry about it.” Leo smiled. “I promise I won’t tell anyone I turned you into a crying mess in my office.”

“How do you think we’re gonna be able to deal with the press?”

“We’re all on your side, Josh. We’ll figure it out. CJ will help you. So will I.” He patted Josh’s shoulder. “‘Cause you know, I’ve been down here before. I know the way out.” His expression was gravely serious, and Josh was shocked by the rush of affection he felt for Leo.

He never wanted to replace Noah, but Leo had been somewhat of a father figure for longer than Josh had been fatherless. When Josh had decided to go into politics, at Noah’s disappointment, Leo had immediately stepped up and offered him guidance. He had told Noah that he would take care of Josh, and though Josh had been annoyed by that at first (he hated that they treated him like a kid), he appreciated Leo more than he would ever admit. It wasn’t their thing to talk about feelings and emotions, ever, but on the rare occasions that Leo gruffly admitted he was pleased with Josh’s work, it filled Josh with a sense of accomplishment he didn’t get from anything else.

Josh smiled and wiped his eyes. “I appreciate that.” He took a deep breath and straightened up. “I’m okay. Thank you, Leo.” They both stood and Leo hugged him tightly. Josh was too shocked for a second to reciprocate but managed to lift his arms and return the gesture.

“Alright, now get out of my office. I’m sure you have something important to do. And if you ever tell anyone what just happened, I’ll string you up by your toes as an example for the junior staffers.” Josh nodded and smiled, taking a moment to regain his composure before leaving the room.

———

There was a knock on the door, and Josh looked up from his work. He stood up.

“Mr. Vice President.”

“Hi, Josh. Is this a bad time?”

“Uh, no, sir. What do you need?”

Hoynes closed the door behind him and sat down. Josh settled back into his chair, pushing his folders to the side. He raised an eyebrow at Hoynes, waiting for him to answer the question.

“I still want you running my campaign, Josh.” He said it like he was making a deal. There was a reason he had added the word _still_. Josh didn’t want to think too hard about exactly why, but he could take a pretty good guess. Even top-secret information ran the risk of getting leaked to the wrong person, and John Hoynes was the prime example of the wrong person. And he was looking at Josh like he knew something.

“You heard.”

“I did.” Hoynes nodded. “I’ll admit I was surprised.”

“I would think so.” Josh struggled to keep his voice level. It would do him no good to react strongly to this. Hoynes was examining him, he could tell, checking for cracks in Josh’s armor. Josh braced himself, straightening his shoulders and returning Hoynes’ gaze with equal suspicion. He had known that Hoynes would be unaccepting, blatantly or not, and had prepared himself to face the worst whenever he happened to find out. Josh just hadn’t been expected it to happen this quickly. It had barely been two weeks since Bartlet had found out. No one had even mentioned Hoynes’ name — they figured that it wasn’t his business to know, at least not until he had to, whenever the story eventually reached the press and the entire administration would be questioned about it.

“It doesn’t change my opinion on you.” 

_Bullshit._

Josh held back a laugh and remarked dryly, “You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that, Mr. Vice President. That was my biggest worry.”

“You don’t need to be sarcastic with me.”

“Who told you?”

“I hear things.”

His hand twitched nervously. If Hoynes had found out, it meant that someone had said something they shouldn’t have. But Josh trusted everyone on the senior staff with his life. Bartlet, Leo, Toby, CJ, Donna — none of them would ever out them. It had to have been someone else, but they hadn’t told anyone else.

“You hear things from who?”

“That’s my business.”

“And now it’s mine, too. If someone is sharing private information about the staff, it poses a risk for everyone. Including you, sir. I know you have a few skeletons in your closet you’d rather not let see the light.”

Hoynes shook his head. “They’re not going leak this, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“They could. Do you know what they could get for divulging a secret like _that_ to a reporter? They wouldn’t even care about losing their job. And if you know, then someone told you, which means someone told _them_ , which means there’s already a leak somewhere in the West Wing. And I have to say, it doesn’t fill me with a whole lot of confidence. This could ruin my career, Mr. Vice President.”

“I’m not going to tell you who I heard it from. All you need to know is that someone overheard something they thought I had a right to know.”

“You have no right—”

“I had a right to know, Josh.”

“All due respect, what are you doing here, sir? Surely it can’t just be to express your support for me sleeping with men.” The corner of his mouth lifted up. Hoynes made a face, but quickly disguised it by bringing his fist up to his mouth and clearing his throat. “Having a sodomite on your staff isn’t going to do you any favors when you’re trying to win over the hearts of the Bible Belt.”

“We’re not running yet.”

“No, you’re not. However, the man who actually works in the Oval Office _is_ , and I’d like to focus on that campaign first.”

“It’s not going to look any better for the President than it will for me. What happens to this campaign if it leaks?”

Josh tilted his head. “Sir, are you threatening me?”

“Of course not. I’m just saying, you need to be aware of the possibility—”

“With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m completely aware of the possibility that I could be outed to the entire world. I’m aware of the possibility that it could harm the President’s campaign. I’m not stupid, which I think you know perfectly well, based on the fact that you keep trying to recruit me for a campaign that’s four years away. No one starts campaigning four years in advance, sir. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re trying to undermine the President.”

“How dare you accuse me—”

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just reminding you that you and the President are a unit. You’re the Vice President of the United States, or did you forget about that part?” He shook his head. Hoynes was starting to look nervous, but he covered it up with halfhearted indignation. “It looks bad for you, it looks bad for the President, it looks bad for the party. When it comes time to look at the next election, I’ll make my own decisions about who I want to support. For now, I serve at the pleasure of the President. That’s my job.”

Hoynes cleared his throat. “I would never try to undermine the President. I have nothing but respect for him.”

“Then save the search for a staff for a few years. You’re not going to find anyone this far in advance, and I’m not losing the President’s trust over an election he won’t even be part of. Stop coming to me with it. I’m not going to give you an answer. We haven’t even won reelection yet. So, if you really have nothing but respect for the President, then focus on helping win him and yourself a second term.”

“I just wanted to tell you that your situation doesn’t impact how I view your skills.”

Josh couldn’t hold back a laugh this time. Hoynes looked startled when the sound escaped Josh’s lips. “My _situation_? You mean my sexuality. You mean me being gay. You mean me being in a relationship with a man. You can say it, sir. Go ahead. Call me gay, a homosexual, a damn fairy if you want to. I don’t need to tell you that it doesn’t impact my skills. I know damn well that it doesn’t.”

“Josh, this is me telling you that you have my support.”

“This isn’t the way you tell someone that. Show me that I have your support when the press finds out about this and they want to put my head on a stake on Capitol Hill. That’s when it matters. Not behind closed doors when you’re trying to get me to make a deal on something that I’ll never shake hands on.”

Hoynes looked away for a moment, and Josh relished that he hadn’t been first to break eye contact. Hoynes had sunk into his chair, and he tried now to regain his standing, squaring out his shoulders and holding his head up.

“Of course, I mean all of that with all due respect, sir,” Josh added. Hoynes nodded and stood up. Josh did the same and held out his hand. Hoynes took it and shook once, grip looser than Josh’s dad had always taught him was proper. Josh held the handshake for a second longer, looking Hoynes directly in the eyes. “Thank you, Mr. Vice President.”

“Thank you for your time.”

He left, and Josh collapsed into his chair, head tilted up towards the ceiling. He took a few deep breaths. His heart was racing, adrenaline pumping through his veins, and he couldn’t tell if it was the fear or anger that was making him light headed. After a moment, when his heartbeat had returned to normal, he sat back up in his seat, grabbing the folder he had abandoned when Hoynes had entered.

“Josh?”

“Yeah.”

“Is everything okay?” Donna stepped into the room. “He didn’t seem very happy.”

“He wasn’t.”

“Did something happen?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.” He looked up at her. “It’s fine. Don’t even worry about it.”

“Joshua.”

“Donnatella.”

“You look like you’re going to be sick.”

He groaned and rubbed his temples. “Close the door.”

Donna did as instructed and walked in farther, standing next to Josh’s desk. She looked down at him, concerned. “Josh, what happened?”

“Someone told Hoynes about me and Sam.”

“Who?”

“That’s what I don’t know.” He shook his head.

“Do you need me to find out?”

“Please. But be subtle about it, got it?” He sighed. “I have no idea who it could have been, Donna. I trust everyone on the senior staff with my life.” He didn’t trust everyone else in the White House, but he could trust his family. If he couldn’t trust them, all would be lost. It wasn’t even an option to consider that it might have been one of them. They never would have even let a hint slip, much less the full story, and especially not to someone who could take it to Hoynes. It had to have been one of the assistants or interns, who overheard Josh talking to Sam or CJ or Leo and took it to Hoynes. There was another reason to despise interns.

“I can talk to some people.”

“Shit,” he muttered suddenly.

Donna tilted her head. “What’s up?”

“There was… last month, maybe? I don’t know when exactly. There was an intern that called me a faggot.” Donna flinched at the word, but Josh simply shrugged. “I fired him on the spot. That’s all I can think of for anyone who might have known. But there’s no way he would have been able to get the information to Hoynes. So, I doubt it was him, but if you can look into it…”

“What was his name?”

“Ashton. Didn’t get his last name. He was in the communications office.”

She nodded. “I’ll see what I can find out. I’ll talk to Toby. See if this kid had any access to Hoynes at all.”

“Just don’t let Sam find out, okay? He doesn’t know about it, and I don’t want to send him into one of his crazy overprotective moods.” If Sam found out about the incident with Ashton, he would lose it. He had a habit of threatening to gut homophobes, and as much as Josh appreciated the sentiment, he unfortunately couldn’t allow it to happen.

“You got it.”

“Thanks.”

Donna squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, and he looked up at her and managed a small smile.

“It’ll be okay, Josh. We won’t let it get any worse than this.”

“Thanks.”

“You need anything else?”

“No, I’m good.”

“You still look pale.”

“I have delicate skin.”

She rolled her eyes. “If you’re going to be sick…”

“I’m not going to be sick.”

“I’ll call Sam,” she threatened.

“Don’t bother Sam about this. It’s fine. Just figure out who told Hoynes, okay? I feel like firing someone today.”

Donna nodded. “I’ve got your back.”

She left the office, and Josh tried to refocus on his work, trying to ignore the nagging thoughts in the back of his mind. He didn’t want to think about what could happen if someone went to the press with the story. If it had leaked out of Leo’s office and managed to get to the Vice President, there was no telling who else could hear it, even in passing, and decide that they wanted to become besties with a reporter. Josh cursed under his breath and hit his fist against the wood lightly. Whatever happened next, the entire situation had cemented in his mind that he was never again going to work for John Hoynes. He tapped a pen against a notepad, eyes skimming over the words of the memo he was reading but not really comprehending it.

Things were going to get a lot worse before they could get better.

———

It took less than a month for things to get a lot worse.

When Josh returned to the White House after a meeting up on the Hill, he was greeted at his office by Donna, who had a panicked expression on her face. She grabbed his shoulder. “CJ needs to see you in her office as soon as possible. As in, right now.”

He was slightly confused, but there was no time to ask any questions as Donna left the office. Josh left his coat and backpack on his chair and headed to CJ’s office. She was sitting at her desk with a paper in her hands, reading glasses perched on her nose. Josh lightly knocked on the door, and she looked up.

“Ah, Josh. Take a seat.” He did. She set the paper down in front of her and took a deep breath. “This is an advance copy of an article that’s going to be published in tomorrow’s edition of the _Washington Times_.” She turned it around and slid it toward him.

Josh’s eyes fell onto the headline of the article, in big bold letters across the top of the page:

**Don’t Ask Don’t Tell: The surreptitious affair of two West Wing deputies**

Underneath the headline was a picture of Sam and Josh together at some recent event. Josh shook his head, growing more frantic as he skimmed the article.

“What the hell?”

“I’m—”

“How is this happening? Why didn’t we know about this? And the goddamn _Times_? They’re not some — some gossip magazine! How can they publish this?” He dropped the paper back onto the desk and ran a hand through his hair. He was beginning to hyperventilate, and he took deep breaths to try to calm down. They couldn’t fix this if he had a panic attack.

CJ shook her head. He hated how much pity there was in her expression. “No one told me, Josh. Normally when it’s something this big, they’ll tip me off or ask us to comment or _something_. But there was nothing. We’re lucky I even got this. I think the girl who gave it to me feels bad about it.”

“I don’t — I don’t understand. How did — how did they get this? How are they writing about us?”

“They got a quote. Someone inside the White House, reputable enough that they decided to move ahead with the story. We have no idea who, but as soon as we do, I promise, Josh—”

“Does Sam know?” he cut her off.

“Not yet. He’s also supposed to come see me as soon as possible.” She sighed, giving Josh a sympathetic look. “At least we have an advance copy. I have time to prepare for the press. This is going to be big, Josh. I wish it didn’t have to be, but it would be news if it was _any_ of the staffers. The fact that it’s you and Sam… it borders on a scandal. At least to the press. This is going to look bad for all of us.”

They should have known it was coming sooner than they wanted it to. They had been careful, so damn careful, but as two high ranking American officials in direct contact with the President of the United States, there weren’t many parts of their personal lives that stayed personal for long. Josh had known that their relationship wouldn’t be any different.

“I’m sorry, CJ. Look, don’t let Sam — I’ll resign. Don’t let Sam. He can’t. I’ll write a resignation letter as soon as—”

“No one is resigning.” Josh turned to see Leo standing in the doorway. “Got it? There were no laws broken, no conspiracies. You two didn’t do a damn thing wrong. _No one_ is resigning.” He stepped in and clapped a hand on Josh’s shoulder. “You are not taking the fall for this, because it’s no one’s fault but whatever bastard leaked it to the press. You don’t get fired for being in a relationship. I don’t give a damn whether it’s a guy or girl. They don’t get to drag you through the mud for this and come out the other side victorious, got it? We’re gonna give ‘em hell for this.”

Josh nodded, trying to hide that he was getting choked up. “Thanks, Leo.”

A knock on the door, and Sam was there. His eyebrows were already furrowed. Josh wished he could do something to stop what he knew had to happen next. Literally anything that would prevent Sam from reading the article, prevent it from being published the next day, prevent anyone from ever knowing about them.

“Sam, come in. You might want to sit down,” CJ said gently.

Sam took a seat on the couch next to Josh, who slipped his arm around Sam’s lower back and started rubbing small circles through his shirt. The paper was passed from CJ to Leo, then to Sam, who took it slowly and examined it. The color drained from his cheeks. Josh watched as he rapidly skimmed through the article, his jaw clenching harder and harder with each paragraph he read. Once finished, he looked up.

“How the fuck did they get this? A _White House source_? I swear to God, CJ—”

“We have no idea who it was yet, but as soon as we do, I promise all hell is going to break loose,” CJ told him. “I’m sorry, Sam. I know how badly we wanted to control this.”

“I’ll resign.”

“Bullshit,” Leo said immediately. “Like I just told Josh, neither of you is going to take the fall for this. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“The public won’t see it that way. Neither will Congress. They’ll accuse us of pushing an agenda.”

“Which we are. That’s what you do when you’re in office. But you two being in a relationship has nothing to do with our policies.”

Sam turned to Josh, who smiled sadly and said, “It’s not like we didn’t see it coming.”

“I never liked the _Times_ much, anyway,” Sam muttered. Everyone chuckled softly at that, which helped lighten the tension in the room, if only slightly.

“Are you in a position to deny it?” CJ asked gently.

Josh bit his bottom lip. He looked at Sam. “We could. They don’t have any physical proof.”

“As far as we know,” Leo added. “I don’t know if you want to push it, just in case.”

“Wouldn’t they add the proof if they had it?” Josh asked. “I mean, without anything to back it up, it just seems like a gossip column.”

“Josh has a point,” CJ said. “Chances are that the quote is all they have right now.”

Sam looked down at his feet, and Josh could tell his mind was racing through all of the possibilities. They could deny it. Say it was bullshit, that whoever gave the quote was just trying to start a scandal, that Sam and Josh were straight. It would be easier than coming out for real. But Josh didn’t want to deny it. He couldn’t see himself signing off on a press statement that said that he and Sam weren’t together. He wanted the world to know about them, as stupid as the idea might have been. He was tired of hiding.

“Sam?” Josh squeezed his hip.

“I don’t think we should.” Sam looked up at CJ. “It’s just going to look worse later on. We can’t exactly deny it now and then come out in a couple of years. They’ll know it was a coverup.” Years. They were going to be together for years. Despite the situation, Josh smiled.

“Is it going to impact the election?” Josh asked. “If it’s going to lose voters, I don’t think… I don’t know. It’s bad timing.”

“We can’t help that,” Leo said. “If they’re going to switch who they’re voting for because of the staff’s personal lives, that’s their own problem. This is about you guys. Forget the politics.”

Josh nodded. “Okay.”

“We’ll handle it, guys. Thank God for the advance copy, so we have time to prep for the press room tomorrow. Do you want to issue statements of your own?” CJ asked. “It might help smooth things over if you say something before the press corps can slaughter you.”

“If Sam wants to. He’s the writer,” Josh said. Sam nodded. “I think we deserve to have a say, especially considering it’s our private business the press is sticking their noses in.” He squeezed Sam’s side gently. Sam took a deep breath in and out, leaning into Josh.

“Alright. We’re going to do everything we can to make this easy on you guys, but it’s going to be a rough few weeks. I’m sorry.”

“We’ll be okay. We’ve gotten through everything that’s come before this. We’ve got it,” Josh said, a lot more confidently than he actually felt, but they needed to at least make an attempt at positivity. It was only going to get worse if they let it get to them.

Leo dismissed them all to their own offices. As they reached Josh’s, Sam grabbed Josh’s hand and pulled him inside. Josh made a noise in surprise but didn’t protest as Sam closed the door and pushed him up against it, kissing him fiercely. Josh mumbled against Sam’s mouth and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. Sam moved his hand up to Josh’s face, cupping his left cheek. The kiss gradually become gentler as Sam calmed down. He broke the kiss off and rested his forehead against Josh’s, eyes still shut. Josh squeezed his waist softly.

“Fuck the press,” Sam muttered.

Josh laughed. “I couldn’t agree more.” Sam finally stepped back, releasing Josh from his place against the door. Josh grabbed Sam’s hand in his, desperate to keep the contact. “We’ll get through it, Sam.” Sam nodded and pressed a chaste kiss to Josh’s mouth.

“When I find out who leaked it, you might end up being the boyfriend of a convicted murderer.”

“If you tell me you’re going to murder them, it’ll get me in trouble, too, genius.”

“Okay, then forget I said it. This conversation never happened.”

“What conversation?”

“Exactly,” Sam said, finally cracking a smile. “I’m gonna go to my office. I love you. I’ll see you later.” 

Josh nodded and squeezed his waist once more before stepping back. “I might be late coming home tonight.”

 _Home._ Getting to say it sent a spark of electricity through his chest.

“Want me to wait up?”

He shrugged. “Unless you’re too tired.”

“Never. Sleep is for the weak.”

Josh laughed softly and leaned in to kiss him gently. “Get out of here, Seaborn.”

“Love you.” Sam winked at him before he left. Josh’s spirits were just a little higher, but there was no way to ignore the situation that was looming over them.

They had known this wasn’t going to be easy, but they had no choice. There was no going back. Whatever was going to happen next, all they could do was try to control the narrative as much as possible. If he was going to be forcibly outed to the entire world, he’d rather take on the press with Sam by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah uhh shit just hit the fan!!! but we love the senior staff they're such a good supportive family <3 and wlw donna said gay rights for EVERYONE (i'm torn on whether she's bi or lesbian, though, so you can each decide that one for yourself) ~ pls leave kudos and comments x


	8. Chapter 8

When Josh and Sam got to the White House the next morning, Donna was waiting outside Josh’s office, concern etched into her face. Sam greeted her quietly. She grabbed his arm and pulled him in for a quick hug. She whispered something in his ear. He nodded and thanked her before moving on, giving Josh a weak smile as he left to continue to his own office. Josh gestured to Donna, and they walked inside. She waited for him to close the door behind them before engulfing him in a rib-crushing hug. Josh let out a quiet _oof_ , but he quickly recovered and returned the hug.

“Josh…” Donna started quietly, voice shaking. ”CJ told me—”

“If you start crying, you’re fired,” Josh half-joked. “We’re going to be fine, Donna. I swear.”

“Still, you don’t deserve for it to go like this.” She took a step back.

“Not like it could’ve gone much better.” He shrugged, struggling to remain nonchalant. It took everything in him not to blow up, but that wasn’t going to help anything. Donna needed to think he was fine. He couldn’t let anyone else see that the news was getting to him. “Thanks for the support, though.”

“I’ve got your back, okay?”

He nodded. “Thanks, Donna.”

“I know how to kill a man.”

Josh raised an eyebrow. Everyone around him was oddly obsessed with murder. It was slightly concerning. “You know, I don’t doubt that. But I don’t think it’s a good idea for the Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff to commit a murder.”

Donna smiled at that, wiping the tears away from her eyes. “I’m just saying, I could.”

“I appreciate it. What’s next?”

“You have a meeting with the Secretary of Education at eight and a joint meeting with Leo and two Republican reps in the Oval Office at nine. Leo asked me to clear your schedule for the rest of the day, because of the briefing…” She looked at him apologetically.

“Yeah, I got it. Thanks.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “And, by the way, if anyone asks you about me and Sam…”

“Want me to tell them to shut up?”

Josh shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what I want.”

“Most people around here are going to be on your side, Josh. They’re not about to disrespect you or Sam, especially not when the President supports you.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“But if anyone says anything bad about you, I’ll take them out.”

Josh nodded, a light smile on his face. “Yeah, okay.”

She hugged him once more before leaving. He shook his head to reset his thoughts and grabbed a folder off his desk. Somehow, he had to figure out how he was going to keep the respect of everyone else in Washington. There was no telling how many reps and lobbyists were going to read the article before he met with them. He just had to hope for the best. Once CJ got up in the press room to address it, though, all chances of people not knowing went out the window.

No matter what happened, he was pretty much screwed.

As much as he tried to compartmentalize, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He couldn’t shake the fear that as soon as they heard the news, everyone he interacted with — even the people who just knew him in passing — was going to view him completely differently. All because of who he was in love with. When that thought reached the front of his mind, he paused mid-stride, halfway from his office to the President’s.

They were going to hate him for who he was in love with.

That realization wasn’t quite as earth-shatteringly important as the realization that he was in love with Sam.

Somehow, the thought wasn’t as terrifying as he expected it to be. It felt _right_. It was like something that had been bothering him for a long time had finally clicked. Like he had been humming the same two or three song lyrics over and over and finally remembered the next line.

Josh Lyman was in love with Sam Seaborn.

When Sam had first said it, weeks ago, Josh hadn’t known what to think. He didn’t know if he was ready to admit he could feel that way about someone, anyone, much less another man. His brain had fought against him; he had known, somewhere deep down, that he must have been in love with Sam, but something kept holding him back, telling him it was wrong. That it was wrong for him to be attracted to men, to have feelings for men, to love a man. He had tried for so long to hide that part of himself, but he couldn’t anymore. Not when he had Sam. He couldn’t hide it — he didn’t _want_ to hide it.

Josh Lyman was gay, and he was in love with Sam Seaborn, and no one could make him ashamed of that anymore.

Josh continued to his meeting, a bit more bounce in his step, feeling a hundred times lighter than he had all day. The meeting, shockingly, went fine. He would never like Republicans, nor agree with the vast majority of what they said, but he used his last few hours of respect to his advantage. Apparently, to Josh’s great relief, they hadn’t heard the news. It was a small miracle, and Josh took it as a win. Even Leo seemed impressed with how well Josh kept his composure, especially when the congressmen mentioned the push for bringing back the Defense of Marriage Act.

As soon as he was freed from the Oval Office, Josh rushed to find Sam. Bonnie was working in her usual spot, and he asked her where Sam had gone.

“He’s in a meeting,” she told him.

“Where?”

“Mural room, I think. Should be back in a few, though, if you want to wait for him.”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks.” He smiled at her and went to walk into Sam’s office, but stopped when she called his name. He turned back around.

“I just wanted to say that I’m on your side. Both of you guys. I know we don’t know each other that well, but I really care about Sam, so…” She shrugged. “I just wanted to let you know you have my support.”

“Thanks, Bonnie,” he said earnestly. She smiled and nodded, then returned to her work.

He waited in Sam’s office, alternating between pacing back and forth and tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. Finally, he heard Sam’s voice coming from the bullpen. He straightened out his jacket as he took a deep breath.

“Hey!” Sam greeted him as he entered the room. “What are you doing here?” 

Josh cleared his throat. “Needed to talk to you. If you have a minute. Privately.” Sam checked his watch and nodded, closing the door behind him.

“Alright, what’s up?” Sam looked worried, his eyebrows furrowed. “Did something happen?”

“No. Nothing happened. I just…” Josh paused. Suddenly it seemed like a daunting task to admit what he had realized earlier. He tried to shake himself out of it — this was _Sam_ , his Sam. Sam already loved him. It shouldn’t have been such an impossible task to choke out three words, but Josh’s palms were starting to sweat. He clenched his fist over his scar.

“Josh,” Sam coaxed, stepping closer. Josh watched as Sam’s hand enveloped his. He pried gently at Josh’s fingers until Josh unclenched his fist. Sam laced their fingers together and took another step closer to Josh, so they were only inches apart. Josh glanced over Sam’s shoulder at the door. Sam lifted his other hand and turned Josh’s face back to him. “C’mon, Joshua. What’s up?”

Josh squeezed Sam’s hand once, twice, three times. He took a deep breath.

“I love you. I’m in love with you.” Sam’s face broke into a giant smile, the dimple on his cheek popping into existence. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I just didn’t know how, and I was _scared_ and—”

“Josh, I don’t care.” Sam kissed him softly, and Josh could feel him smiling against his lips. They pulled away. Josh let out a relieved sigh. Sam kissed the corner of his mouth before murmuring, “I love you, too.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass.”

“You’ve always had trouble with that,” Sam teased. Josh huffed out a laugh. “I love you so much, Joshua.” Sam cupped Josh’s cheek in his hand and brushed his thumb over Josh’s cheek. Josh leaned into the contact, letting his eyes close, peacefully quiet and still. They stayed like that for a few minutes longer. Josh felt like a massive weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, and when he opened his eyes to meet Sam’s, he knew they could face whatever was going to be thrown at them.

———

“Before you all start asking me about it, I want to address a story that I know is going to be first on your lists,” CJ opened as she set her notes down on the podium. “This morning, an article was published in the _Washington Times_ alleging that two senior White House staffers are in a romantic relationship. In anticipation of the rest of you demanding comments and answers, I would like to jump ahead to confirm that this is _true_.” Everyone in the room started yelling CJ’s name, waving their hands. She gave the room an exasperated look. “And I’m sure if you’d let me continue, I could answer at least one of your questions before you even ask.”

Josh walked up behind Sam and slipped his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Sam’s shoulder. Sam jumped slightly but relaxed quickly when he realized it was Josh behind him. He tilted his head against Josh’s and took a deep breath. As they watched through the window, Josh could feel Sam’s leg shaking anxiously.

“Hey,” Josh murmured, squeezing his waist gently. “It’s okay.” He tried to ignore everyone else around them, focusing on Sam’s soft breathing.

“I know.” Sam nodded. “I know.” Josh kissed lightly just below his ear, and Sam smiled, just slightly. He covered Josh’s hands with his own, moving his thumbs back and forth across Josh’s skin. Josh tightened his arms around Sam’s waist.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Sam turned his head to kiss Josh’s cheek, coaxing a small smile. “I love you.”

“The two staffers are the Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman and the Deputy Communications Director Sam Seaborn.” More yelling. CJ refused to lose her composure, waiting patiently for the room to quiet down before calling on one of the reporters. “Mark.”

“You said Josh and Sam?”

“Yes, that is what I said. Do we need to get your hearing checked?”

“They’re both men.”

“Astute observation, Mark. Nancy, go ahead.”

“Did anyone else know? Did the President know?”

“The President found out about three weeks ago, directly from Josh and Sam, as did Leo McGarry, Toby Ziegler, and me. Robert?”

“What was the President’s reaction?”

CJ glanced over the press’ heads to make eye contact with Sam and Josh through the glass, then looked back to Robert. “President Bartlet is fully supportive of Sam and Josh and is behind them one hundred percent, especially at such a difficult time.”

“CJ, a follow up question—” She nodded for him to continue. “—is either Sam or Josh going to be called to resign, or be fired, for that matter?”

“I’d think the fact that the President supports them would answer that for you.” She raised an eyebrow. “They absolutely will not. The possibility was mentioned by both of them yesterday when we found out that the story was breaking and was immediately shot down by both the President and Leo McGarry. We maintain that no laws were broken, and no one deserves to be punished for this. Neither Josh nor Sam will be called to resign, nor will they be fired.”

Josh let out a deep sigh and shook his head in disbelief. CJ was incredible. “Hey,” he muttered to Sam. “Remind me to buy CJ some flowers or something after this is done. Or write her a check.”

“CJ, what does the White House have to say to Americans who may not feel comfortable with two male staffers being in a relationship?”

“We will be releasing an official statement later today, along with a personal statement from Josh and Sam. However, in the meantime, we ask that the American people keep an open mind and remember that a person’s sexuality has nothing to do with how good they are at their job. Josh and Sam are both _exceptional_ staffers and are vital to this administration’s success. The President’s opinion of them has not been changed by this news, and we ask that the same be true for the general public. And that’s it for right now. I’ll see you later today.”

She closed the folder on the podium and took her reading glasses off her face. Everyone in the room continued calling her name, pens, notebooks, and hands raised, but CJ dismissed them and exited the room. Josh and Sam hurried around the other way to meet her in the hallway. She motioned towards her office, and they fell in step behind her. Once the door was shut, she hugged them each tightly.

“CJ, have we mentioned how much we love you lately?” Josh asked.

She scoffed. “You’ve never mentioned how much you love me.”

“Well, we love you,” Sam replied. CJ smiled, patting his upper arm. “I have the personal statement ready. Are you giving it out, or are we?”

“I don’t think we want to subject you to what’s going to happen in that press room for the rest of the week, honestly.” She brushed a stray piece of hair out of her face. “But it could be better if the statement came directly from you. You don’t want it to look like you’re hiding.”

“But we are hiding,” Sam pointed out.

“The press isn’t going to like it very much. I’ll talk to Leo, Toby, and the President, and we’ll make a decision, okay? For now, go back to work. And try not to look at any televisions.”

“Thanks, Ceej,” Josh said, giving her another hug before he and Sam left.

Sam tapped Josh’s arm and gestured towards the communications bullpen. As crossed through the lobby, Josh couldn’t help but feel like everyone was staring at them. He kept his eyes forward and tried not to look at anyone else. They finally reached Sam’s office, and Josh closed the door behind them. Sam started rifling through the papers on his desk, pushing the piles to the side in order to reach his laptop. He pulled up the personal statement he had written for them and waved Josh over to read it. Josh walked around the desk and sat down in Sam’s chair. Sam paced back and forth behind him while he read, muttering softly under his breath. Josh tried to tune out the sound.

He turned to Sam and smiled. “It’s good.”

“Really? You don’t think I need to—”

“Babe, you’re the writer here, not me. If you think anything needs to be changed, I trust you. But I think it’s good.”

Sam sighed. “We’re really doing this, huh? We were forcibly outed to the entire world, but still we’re the ones apologizing. You know how bullshit this is?” He ran a hand through his hair, expression twisting. Josh grabbed Sam by the belt loops and tugged him closer. Sam’s hands dropped to his sides, and he looked down at Josh.

“Sam,” Josh whispered. “Baby, hey. Breathe.”

Sam nodded, taking a deep breath. “It’s bullshit. It’s just because we’re both men. If it were you and Donna no one would even bat an eye!”

“But it’s not me and Donna. It’s me and you. And I know, it’s shit, but it’s just how it’s going to be. People are assholes, and all they’re going to care about is the fact that we’re gay.” He grabbed Sam’s tie, pulled him down closer, and kissed him. “But yeah, we are really doing this. Don’t think there’s much of a way to get out of it at this point, unless you want to say that it was all some massive, belated April Fool’s Day joke and we’re both as heterosexual as we possibly can be.” Sam made a face at that, making Josh laugh quietly. “Although, I would say that the things you were doing to me last night were not very heterosexual.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “You’re insufferable.”

“I’m extremely charming.”

“I disagree.” Sam ran a hand through Josh’s hair, then leaned in to kiss him lightly.

“And yet you’ve chosen to date me anyway. Funny how that works.”

“I’m this close to kicking you out of my office, Joshua. I’m actually considering a lifetime ban. I’ll make a sign and everything.”

“Very official. Bet you could even get the President to sign off on it. I think he always liked you better than me, anyway.”

Sam cracked a smile and kissed Josh’s temple. “We’re doing this,” he said again. “The first openly gay White House staffers in history. Maybe we should do something to celebrate. Being the first to do something in the White House is a very big deal, you know.”

“First gay Deputy Chief of Staff, first gay Deputy Communications Director… first gay president.”

Sam furrowed his eyebrows. “President?”

“President,” Josh confirmed.

“I don’t—”

Josh gave him a pointed look. “Sorry, I meant the first _bisexual_ president.” He grinned. Sam’s cheeks went pink, and he shook his head.

“Josh, I don’t think—”

“Sam, hey,” he said softly. “Sammy, look at me, alright?” Sam swallowed and took a deep breath, looking down to meet Josh’s eyes again. “It’s gonna be you. I know it. Bartlet knows it. Everyone knows it. We’re counting on it, actually. And you’re going to be damn good at it. Fuck anyone who says otherwise. In fact, fuck anyone who tries to use this as an excuse to destroy your career. They’re only going to use it as ammunition because they know you’re so damn good at your job that they _can’t_ use anything else against you. Mark my words, Samuel, you’re going to be president one day. And I’m gonna be right there with you.”

Sam nodded, throat too choked up to reply, so he leaned down and gave Josh a gentle kiss. Josh stood up and wrapped his arms tightly around Sam. When they pulled away, he flicked his eyes up to Sam’s and gave him another smile. Sam, calmer now, cupped Josh’s jaw in his hand and kissed him again. Josh relaxed into Sam’s touch. He wished, silently, that they could just stay like that forever — and if not forever, then for at least the rest of the day. He didn’t want to spend a single second away from Sam, not when they knew what was happening in the press room and on all of the televisions. He wanted to lock the door, shut the blinds, and protect Sam from everything the world was getting ready to throw their way, never let anything bad ever happen to him. He tightened his grip around Sam’s waist and buried his face in his neck, breathing in and out slowly. Sam smelled like cologne and coffee and fresh paper and _home_.

“Josh,” Sam finally whispered. 

Josh lifted his head. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Josh smiled. “I love you too.”

“We’re going to be fine.”

“We are.” He nodded, then kissed Sam’s forehead.

It was a rare occasion for Josh to be the optimist, but he knew Sam needed it. Sam seldom snapped like this. He had more composure than almost anyone else Josh knew. Even when he did lose it with people, his rants were always well-mannered and logical. It wasn’t often that he resorted to an emotional response. Josh knew that something really had to push him for him to snap the way he had about this.

“I love you,” Josh whispered again, because he wasn’t sure what else to say.

Sam kissed him, gentle and slow and sweet, slipping his hands into Josh’s hair.

There was a knock at the door, and Josh jumped backwards. His leg collided painfully with the desk, and he swore loudly. Sam laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. After a few seconds, once he had regained his composure, he cleared his throat and turned towards the door.

“Yeah?”

“Is it safe?” Toby’s voice asked from the other side of the door.

“Yes.”

The door opened, and Toby stepped inside. He closed the door behind him.

“Hi, Toby,” Josh said cheerfully, rubbing his hand over his knee, where there was certain to be a bruise the next day.

Toby looked at him suspiciously. “What are you two — never mind, forget it. I’ve been traumatized one too many times already.”

“You need me to leave?” Josh asked.

“No, I actually wanted to talk to both of you.”

Josh blinked in surprise. “Really?”

“You don’t need to look so shocked,” Toby commented dryly. Josh glanced over to catch Sam smiling. “Anyway, I just wanted to get a chance to tell you both that I’m behind you on this. I know I haven’t been the most vocal about it, but I don’t think you can really blame me, considering how I found out.”

“Sorry about that,” Sam said sheepishly.

Toby shrugged. “I may need to go to therapy, but I’ll get over it eventually.”

“I know a guy, if you’re looking for someone,” Josh said, the corner of his mouth twitching up.

“Yeah, I’m good, thanks. I’m behind you guys, though. That’s all I wanted to say.”

“Thank you, Toby,” Sam said.

“You want me to take a look at your statement before we release it?”

“If you want.” Toby nodded, and Sam returned to his computer to print off a copy for him. Toby cleared his throat. Josh looked up at him, and he nodded towards the window that looked into his office. Josh said a quiet goodbye to Sam, kissing his temple softly and squeezing his shoulder before following Toby into his office.

Josh closed the door behind them, and Toby turned to face him.

“I’m going to keep this short and sweet, so listen up,” Toby began. Josh swallowed dryly. It felt like Toby’s stare was burning holes in his face. He nodded, and Toby continued, “If you do anything to hurt my little brother, I will remove all of your limbs and hang you in a meat locker, got it?”

Josh felt all of the blood drain out of his face. He nodded quickly. “I would never—”

Toby held up a hand. “Save it. That’s your first and only warning, got it? Take good care of him. He deserves it.”

“I know.”

“Now get out of here.”

Josh turned to open the door. He paused with his hand on the door handle when Toby cleared his throat. He looked back. “Yeah?”

“One more thing.”

“Okay.”

“I better be a groomsman at the wedding.”

Josh’s cheeks flushed. He opened his mouth to say something, but Toby gave him another look. His mouth snapped shut, and he simply nodded.

“Get out.”

“Yes, sir.” Josh opened the door and stepped out, managing to throw a quiet “Thank you” over his shoulder. As Toby turned away to return to his desk, Josh could have sworn he saw the tiniest smile on his lips.

———

“CJ, isn’t the President worried that it looks like the White House is pushing an agenda?”

“By showing his support for Josh and Sam? I don’t think he’s worried about that, no. President Bartlet has always been supportive of the gay community. There has been no change in the President’s views on gay rights, and he certainly isn’t being influenced by their relationship. This is being treated the same way as it would be if it were a straight couple. There is no agenda being pushed by the White House by them being forced out of the closet.” Hands shot up again, and CJ called on one of them.

“What do you mean when you say _forced_ out of the closet?”

“I mean that Josh and Sam’s relationship was made public against their will, and it should have been left up to them and the rest of the staff to decide when to announce it. Jeff?”

“How do you think this will impact the outcome of the election?”

“I don’t think I can confidently predict the outcome of the election until the election happens. I’m not in the business of speculating. Sarah.”

“Have you found out who leaked it?”

“We have not yet, but we’re looking for the source, and they will be dealt with accordingly. Sandra?”

“Are Josh and Sam going to partake in any press conferences and briefings? Don’t you think it would be good for the public to hear directly from them?”

“Based on the mixed responses from the public, we’ve decided that we’re going to wait a couple of days before they speak about it. We believe that their personal statement should be enough for now, and we owe it to them to make sure they’re comfortable moving forward.” She checked her notes. “Now, I’d like to call a full lid on Josh and Sam and shift the focus to other matters.”

Sam was chewing nervously on the end of his pen, eyes focused on the TV in the corner of the communications bullpen. Josh was leaning against the doorframe of Sam’s office, his arms crossed over his chest. It had only been about thirty hours since they had been outed to the entire world, and he was already getting sick of hearing reporters say his name. Secretly, he wished something massively newsworthy would happen to overshadow the _JoshAndSam_ news.

With every question that the reporters had asked, his annoyance grew just a little bit more. He hated everything about the situation. They were treating his private relationship like it was some kind of political move. As if they had any right to know anything about him or Sam. Their relationship was their business and their business only.

“When are they going to move on?” He glanced over at Sam, who was still transfixed on the screen. “Hey, Samuel.”

Sam’s attention snapped to Josh. His expression made Josh’s blood run cold. “Never. Fucking never.” He stormed into his office. Josh followed quickly and closed the door. Sam was pacing, fists clenched at his sides and shoulders tensed.

“Sam,” Josh said gently. “Sammy, hon, hey. Look at me.”

“It’s bullshit. It’s bullshit!” He whipped around. “This is never going to leave us alone. They don’t care what else we do. From now on we’re always going to be _the gay ones_. If we try to address Don’t Ask Don’t Tell again, it’s going to be because we’re gay. We try to change legislation about homophobic hate crimes, it’ll be because we’re gay. We do something that isn’t even related to homosexuality, and they’ll find some way to tie it into us being a couple of queers. I’m not even going to be able to run for office. They won’t care about anything but this.”

Every sentence felt like a knife digging deeper and deeper into Josh's chest. He knew Sam was only blowing up like this because he was upset and scared, but it was still unsettling to see him this worked up, especially when it was directed at Josh.

“Sam,” he said again, hoping he could somehow bring Sam back down to earth. “Babe, take a deep breath, okay?”

Sam gripped the back of his chair with both hands, knuckles turning white. Josh approached him slowly, like he was some kind of frightened animal. Sam stared straight ahead. Josh gently slid his hands over Sam’s and loosened his grip on the chair. He slipped his fingers through Sam’s and pulled him around to face him. Sam finally met his eyes, and Josh could see the confusion and anger behind them. He leaned in and gently kissed him, and he felt Sam relax, just slightly, against him.

“I know, babe,” he whispered. He wanted to react the same way — he wanted to scream and throw things and march down into the press room and give them a taste of their own medicine, let them feel even a tiny bit of the pain this was causing Josh and Sam. But he couldn’t. He had to be there for Sam. Both of them having breakdowns wasn’t going to help anyone. “I know. I’m angry, too.”

“I really want to go in there and give them a piece of my mind.”

“I’d pay good money to see that.”

Sam let out a slow breath and let himself slump into Josh’s arms, head coming to rest on Josh’s shoulder. Josh moved his hands down to Sam’s hips, pulling his shirt out of his waistband to slide his hands under the fabric and settle on the warm skin. Sam shivered, and Josh felt his eyelashes moving against the skin of his neck.

“I love you,” Sam whispered, the words a warm puff of air on Josh’s skin. He kissed the top of Sam’s head.

“I love you, too.”

Even despite all of this, he was realizing, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Would it have been easier if they hadn’t worked in the White House, if they had fallen into each other when they were still unimportant congressional staffers, if they had realized a decade earlier that they were meant to be together? Definitely. But that wasn’t how it had worked out. If he had to go through it, deal with being publicly outed and the constant, unrelenting judgment of the press and the public, he would rather go through it a thousand times with Sam by his side than even once alone. He had Sam. Everything else was secondary.

———

“We want to do a press conference,” Sam said. Josh stood to his left and half a step behind, their hands clasped tightly together. “We talked about it, and we want to do one. But on our terms. We — or you, I guess — pick the reporters. We pick the time, date, and place.”

CJ nodded thoughtfully. “I think we can make that work. Honestly, people are so desperate to hear from you, they’ll take whatever they can get.”

Josh let out a breath, shoulders relaxing slightly. “We decide when to end it, too. And if anyone asks a question we don’t want to answer—”

“We’ll make sure they don’t. This isn’t going to be something for a tabloid. I won’t put anyone in the room that I don’t trust. We’ll vet the questions. And we’ll make sure to give them guidelines, and a warning if they even think about stepping out of line.”

 _Thank God for CJ_ , Josh thought for the hundredth time in two days. She had taken the brunt of the questioning, and there had been a lot of questioning. There was no wonder why she held the position she did; she was incredible at her job. Josh made another mental note to buy her as many gifts as he could within the next few weeks. They all knew this was going to get worse before it got better, and it was never going to fully go away. Sam had said as much. Even if he hated the fact, Josh knew there was no way for them to change it. Their entire lives now were going to be about being _The Gay Ones_. But that was always going to be the case, whether they had come out months earlier or years later. As shitty as it was, that was just the way the world worked.

The best way they had of reducing the damage to their careers was controlling the narrative themselves. The media had long enough to write their stories and think pieces about the impact of gay men in the White House. Now it was their turn.

“I’ll start putting it together. Does tomorrow work?” Sam glanced back at Josh, who shrugged and nodded. “Perfect. Maybe that’ll calm them down next briefing so we can focus on issues that actually matter. Did you even hear about the military moves in the south Pacific?”

“Well, yeah, Ceej, we work for the President.” Josh cracked a smile, and CJ rolled her eyes.

“Oh, you know what I meant. I’ll make a list of reporters and contact them later today.”

“Thank you, CJ,” Sam said earnestly. She shooed them out of her office, grabbing a notepad and her laptop to get to work on their press conference.

Josh went over to the coffee machine and filled a cup for himself. Sam leaned against the wall next to him, eyebrows furrowed.

“You’re thinking about something,” Josh said. “Out with it.”

“I’m just… formulating a statement. Thinking of some questions they might ask.”

“I’ve got some.” He took a sip of coffee. “Doesn’t sleeping with another man make you incredibly bad at your job? Are you distracted by lustful thoughts towards the same sex? Didn’t you know that you’re going to hell? Who’s the _woman_ in your relationship?”

“Josh, I’m not joking.” Sam shook his head.

“I know. Which is why I’m willing to take one for the team and tell them that I love to take your—” 

“Joshua Lyman, I swear to _God_ , I will beat you up.”

“You wouldn’t. You love me too much.” Josh smiled innocently. 

“I’m serious about this.”

He wanted to do something to calm Sam down, kiss him or grab his hand or _something_ , but he was way too aware of all of the eyes on them. Not that people didn’t try to pretend not to look. Every time he turned his head, someone else quickly looked down. Their colleagues were not the subtlest of stalkers. 

“It’s gonna be okay. We do the press conference, they spend the next few months writing article after article about how brave and amazing or how disgusting we are, we ignore the news and get back to our big boy jobs of, you know, running the country.”

“Speaking of jobs, I have a speech to write about fracking.” Sam stole the coffee cup out of his hand. He was gone before Josh could even protest the theft. He sighed defeatedly and filled another cup for himself. He tried to shove the looming press conference out of his mind to focus on work, and for once in his life, was actually grateful when Donna came to him with a list of meetings and calls to make.

When he was in the middle of a call to the governor of Idaho, a thought suddenly popped into his mind. He cursed and clenched his fist around the phone.

“Josh?” the governor asked. “Everything alright?”

Josh took a deep breath. “Everything’s fine, sir. But actually, ah, something just came up. Is it alright if I call you back in a little while?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Thank you so much. I’ll talk to you soon.” He hung up the phone and jumped to his feet, all but sprinting across the bullpen to CJ’s office. She was on the phone when he entered and looked at him inquisitively as she held up a finger. She finished her conversation and hung up.

“What’s up?”

“Hoynes.”

CJ shook her head and held up her hands. “What about him?”

Josh swallowed hard. “I think Hoynes leaked it.”

She blinked in surprise. “You’re kidding.”

“I wish I was.”

“That’s a serious accusation, Josh.”

“I know.”

“Close the door and sit down.” He did. “Okay, explain the logic to me. Why on earth with John Hoynes want to leak that you and Sam are together? What does that do for him?”

“It’s not what it does for him, it’s what it does to me.”

“You think Hoynes has something against you?”

Josh shook his head. “I know he does.”

CJ gestured for him to continue. “Explain.”

“Towards the end of last year, he came to me to talk about planning for his presidential run.”

“The next election is four years away. Hell, we haven’t even won _re_ election yet.”

“I know. That’s what I told him.” He grimaced. “He wanted me to run his campaign. I told him I wasn’t looking that far ahead yet, that I’m still focused on Bartlet. Told him that it looks bad for him to be looking towards his own campaign when chances are Bartlet still has four more years, with him still on as VP. He wasn’t exactly happy with me, but he asked me to consider it, so I told him I would. Then a couple weeks after Sam and I came out to you guys, he showed up in my office and told me he knew. I kind of… I kind of blew up on him. Accused him of trying to undermine the President.”

“Josh…” CJ closed her eyes and rubbed her temples.

“Yeah, I know. It was a stupid move. But I couldn’t help it.”

“How did he find out?”

“Assuming none of you guys told him—”

“You know we would never do that, Josh.”

He nodded. “Yeah, I know. So, assuming no one let it slip, I’m guessing it was one of the aides or interns. Someone who overheard something or saw something they shouldn’t have and wanted to be all buddy with Hoynes. I don’t know. I don’t know who, and Donna tried to figure out, but she couldn’t, either. I have my suspicions, but nothing concrete. I can’t think of how anyone could have known, Ceej. Besides the senior staff, no one knew anything for certain. They couldn’t have. We were so damn careful.”

She sighed, looking at him with a hint of pity. “It happens. Nothing around here stays secret for very long.”

“Either way, Hoynes refused to give up a name.”

“You think he’s protecting them?”

“Probably. He has to know that they’d be fired. I’m sure he would want to keep them around, considering they’re willing to sell out the rest of the staff to give him an advantage.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And you did say that the quote would have to be from someone important. They wouldn’t print something that some low-level intern told them.”

“‘White House source’ could mean anyone, though. If it really was Hoynes, you’d think they’d add ‘high-ranking,’ at least, to make it seem more official.”

He shrugged. “He probably told them not to.”

“It just doesn’t seem like something he would do, Josh.”

“It is. Trust me. I’ve worked with him. I know him.” He was starting to sound desperate. “CJ, it had to have been him. You need to trust me. Please.”

CJ sat back in her chair and was quiet for a moment. Josh’s foot tapped anxiously against the floor, knee bouncing up and down. His fingernails were digging into his palm again. His scar was stinging. He straightened out his fingers and clenched his jaw.

“What do you want to do?” CJ asked, seeming a bit hesitant still.

“I want to get the son of a bitch to resign.”

“You can’t prove it. It’s all just suspicion.”

“Watch me.” He stood up and left the office, ignoring as CJ called his name. He stormed through the west wing, staring straight ahead the entire time.

He didn’t even wait for the secretary’s okay before bursting into Hoynes’ office, shoving the door open with as much force as he could muster. Hoynes looked up in surprise and rose to his feet. Josh stalked over to his desk and slammed his hands against the wood, satisfied with the dull _thud_ that it made.

“Is this your idea of a joke?”

“I don’t know what you’re—”

“Cut the bullshit, John,” he spat. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. What did you think it was going to do? Further your political career? Paint Bartlet in a bad light?” He laughed bitterly. “It wasn’t a bad plan, really. Out two of Bartlet’s closest confidants as queers, make it look like we’ve all been lying to people to further our agenda. Make the majority of the country hate us, then claim you didn’t know anything. It looks good for you. You’re their straight savior, stopping the evil gays from taking over the White House, isn’t that right?”

Hoynes stammered for a moment, his usual composure gone. Josh would have been lying if he said it didn’t please him to see the Vice President rendered speechless.

“Fuck you.”

“You need to calm down. Let’s talk like adults.”

“That’s a good one.” He shook his head. “I wish I could say I can’t believe it, but the worst part is that I can.”

“Josh, I never meant to—”

“No, you did mean to. You knew _exactly_ what you were doing. You knew from the moment you found out that you could use this to your advantage. You’re a goddamn snake, John Hoynes. I can’t believe I ever trusted you. I can’t believe the _President_ ever trusted you.”

“Jed is—”

“The President. Show some damn respect for the office.”

“I could say the same to you, the way you’re talking to me. Do I need to call the Secret Service?”

Josh laughed. “Give it a shot, John. See who they side with. Go ahead.”

Hoynes balked, and Josh knew he had him cornered.

“What are you asking me to do?”

“Resign.”

“You can’t make me do that. It’s not your job to discipline me, Josh. You seem to be forgetting that I rank higher than you.”

“You’ll have to do something when I tell the rest of the press exactly who leaked this. And, oh boy, when the President finds out? When _Leo_ finds out? You’re screwed, buddy.” He grinned. “And I’m sure the press would _love_ to know some dirty secrets about the Vice President. You seem to be forgetting that I _know_ you, John. I know exactly what you’re like.” He spread his arms out. “And now I’ve got nothing left to lose. You played all your cards. You’ve got nothing left. What are you going to do, tell them I’m a faggot? Oh, wait. You already did.”

Hoynes visibly swallowed. He avoided Josh’s gaze. Josh crossed his arms over his chest, waiting patiently for the Vice President to respond. Josh had never before in his life felt quite so powerful. He was enjoying it immensely.

This was exactly how he had imagined retaliating against all of the people who had put him through this bullshit his entire life. The assholes in high school who called him a fairy before Josh had even known what it meant, the guys in college who looked at him with disgust when he simply existed in the same room as them, the girlfriend who had told him to his face that he had to have been queer. They had all culminated into one disgusting human being. Standing across the desk from Hoynes, Josh had never felt so good about himself.

His sexuality could no longer be used as a weapon against him. Josh had finally reclaimed it for himself, taking all of the power away from the people who hated him. He didn’t know when it happened. He didn’t know what the change had been, the trigger that had washed away the shame he had once held and replaced it with _pride_. He didn’t know if it was because of Sam, or if Sam was just one factor out of many, but he knew that Sam was one of the reasons he was standing there facing down the man who had tried to ruin his life. As he stared at Hoynes, the Vice President seemed to be shrinking in on himself. Josh stood up straighter, squaring his shoulders and looking Hoynes directly in the eyes. When he didn’t say anything, Josh took the opportunity to speak up again.

“You lost, John. Now, do you want to tell the President, or shall I?”

Hoynes finally spoke. “I’ll talk to him.”

“And what are you going to tell him?”

“That I was the one who told the press. If he asks me to resign, I will.”

“He will.” Josh could be confident about that. Not only had Hoynes leaked personal, potentially career-destroying information about two staffers, he had done it maliciously, to impact Bartlet, Sam, and Josh in a way that they shouldn’t have been able to come back from. But this was Jed Bartlet, the real deal, who could bounce back from anything. This was Sam Seaborn, who never lacked a response for anything, who could use his words to come out on top of even the worst situations. And this was Josh Lyman, full of more pride now than he had ever been in his entire life, with his President and his family and his boyfriend behind him.

Fuck John Hoynes. Fuck the press, fuck the public, and fuck anyone who was going to try to use this against him. Whatever was coming next, Josh felt like he could take on the world and come out the other side smiling.

———

Josh straightened out his tie in the mirror and took a deep breath. Sam, as usual, looked stunning, his suit jacket framing his shoulders and waist incredibly well. Josh desperately wanted to kiss him but managed to restrain himself. They were supposed to be professional. Sam shot him a nervous smile, and Josh responded with a thumbs up.

“Alright, boys,” CJ said. “They’re waiting for you.” She gave them each a quick hug. “Remember, take your time, think about what you’re saying, and if you feel uncomfortable with a question, just give me the signal and I’ll move things along.” Josh nodded. This was real. It was happening. He didn’t feel the slightest bit ready, but he knew there was no use pushing it back any longer. It felt like the night before a final exam — at some point, you just weren’t going to be able to prepare yourself anymore. You knew what you knew, and you had to hope it was enough.

The press conference was a bit more casual than usual; they were holding it in the mural room, where Sam and Josh would sit on the couch and the press stand opposite them, ready, he was sure, with about a thousand questions each. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, and followed CJ into the room. As soon as she pushed open the door, cameras started flashing, but the reporters seemed to be ready to subscribe to CJ’s rules, because no one began asking questions yet. Sam and Josh got situated on the couch, a respectable distance from each other, and faced the press. CJ, luckily, was in charge of calling on reporters, because Josh and Sam would have no clue where to even begin. CJ was the master strategist behind these types of things. Josh trusted her with his life.

“Ken, go ahead,” she said. A man in the front row of reporters nodded and checked his notes.

They got right into the thick of it. “How has this situation impacted your work since the story broke?”

Sam looked at Josh and nodded, signaling for him to take the question. Josh breathed in and out. “I’d say it’s been a bit hectic.” That earned a light laugh from the reporters. “Obviously, we’ve had to deal with a few more questions than we’re used to, but we’ve been trying to push this to the side and focus on doing our jobs the exact same way we’ve been doing them for years. We’re still focused on doing right by the President and the American people.”

The next few questions came in rapid fire succession. “How long have you been together?”

“Officially? Since December,” Sam answered.

“And unofficially?”

“November.”

“And the President was only informed last month?”

Sam again. “That’s correct.”

“You didn’t tell him from the beginning?”

“No.”

“Why not? Isn’t it customary for employees to notify their boss of a romantic relationship?”

“At the beginning, we didn’t know where this was going to go — if it was something serious or not. Once we knew that it was, we were mostly nervous that people were going to ask the same questions we’re being asked right now — whether or not we can still perform our jobs reliably, how it impacts our relationship with the President. Like Josh said, we want to focus on doing a good job, just like the rest of the administration. It wasn’t impacting our ability to do our jobs.”

CJ called on someone else, a young-looking woman who seemed incredibly nervous. “Sam, Josh, hi. I’m Renee Goulde from _Manhattan Pride_. First of all, I want to say that I, my colleagues, and our readers are blown away by your courage and willingness to be visible and the way you’re handling all of this.” Josh smiled encouragingly at her, and she visibly relaxed. “I’d like to know a bit about what it’s been like, being gay in the world of American politics. Not just since you were outed, but before that, even in the closet.”

“Loaded question, Renee,” Josh laughed. She nodded. He glanced at Sam, then back to Renee. “I can’t speak for Sam, so I’ll just tell you my side of it. I’m going to be totally honest: it’s terrifying. It’s an absolute nightmare. I tried to ignore it for a very long time. I knew how people felt, how they still feel, about gay people. I understood why they didn’t want gay people leading them. I had… I had seen what happened to the gay community in the face of the AIDs crisis. That was barely two decades ago. You look at the numbers, and I hate to be the one to say it, but it’s clear that not many people in power care about people like us. I know I’ve lost the respect of a good number of people who I used to consider friends. I wanted to avoid that for as long as possible.” He looked over at CJ, who nodded for him to keep going. “So, yeah, I hid it. Politics aren’t the place you want to deviate from the norm. It’s a scary world out there, and it’s even scarier when you’re in the position to see exactly what’s going wrong. But it also makes me hopeful, because I’m one of the people that has the power to start changing it. Look at Sam’s work on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Look at this administration’s work for equal rights.” He took a breath. “So, to sum up that bit of word vomit, I guess I’ll just say it’s terrifying but inspiring at the same time.”

Renee smiled at him, then shifted her attention to Sam, who was staring at Josh, his mouth hanging open just a bit. Josh nudged his shoe, and he snapped back to consciousness. He gestured to Renee, and Sam nodded.

“Well, first I’d like to clear up that I’m not actually gay. I’m bisexual, which seems to have gotten lost in the flood somewhere.” A few reporters jotted things down in their notebooks. “But beyond that, I don’t know what else I can add that will improve Josh’s answer. It’s kind of, if you’ll pardon the cliché, like being stuck between a rock and a hard place — they want you to be completely honest about yourself, your life, your motives, and your beliefs, but if you’re actually honest about being something they don’t like, they turn on you. In politics, and especially in the White House, you’re expected to be a certain way. When you don’t fit the mold people have in mind for the most influential people in the country, they don’t like it very much. I just hope that once people have pushed past some of their misconceptions and prejudices about gay and bi people, they’ll realize that we have just as much a right to be here as anyone else. I’m glad that I’m in this position, though, that I have this platform to speak out about issues that get swept under the rug so often. And even if it didn’t go exactly the way we wanted it to, on our own terms, I really hope that we can inspire other people to be open about themselves. And I hope that we can be proof to the younger generation that deviation from the norm doesn’t mean you can’t be successful.”

They answered a few more questions, taking turns, until CJ called the press conference to an end. She whispered to Josh and Sam to meet her in her office, then allowed them to leave the room before everyone else did. They went into her office and closed the door, and Sam immediately pressed a soft kiss to Josh’s lips. Josh wrapped his arms around Sam’s waist, hugging him tightly. Sam’s arms settled on Josh’s shoulders, his hands clasped behind Josh’s head.

Josh pulled back and smiled. “You were incredible.”

“Could say the same thing about you,” Sam murmured. “You got a lot of guts coming for the entire American government like that.”

“Didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”

“I know. I love you.” He kissed Josh again, but they were interrupted by a light knock on the door and CJ’s entrance. Before saying anything, she enveloped them both into a hug, and Josh felt warm tears against the side of his face.

“Ceej…” he whispered.

“Shut up.” She stepped back and wiped her eyes. “I love you boys so much.”

“We love you, too,” Sam replied. “Did we do okay?”

“Phenomenal. I’ll still have to take a few follow-up questions at the next briefing, but you were both _fantastic_. I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you,” Josh said. “For everything. Seriously. I have no idea what we would do without you.”

“Crash and burn, of course.”

Sam nodded gravely. “Oh, definitely.”

CJ laughed lightly. “It’s all gonna work out just fine. We’re gonna get through this.”

There was another knock on the door, and they turned to see Donna standing in the doorway. She gave them each a rib-crushing hug and a kiss on the cheek. Josh could tell she was fighting back tears.

“They want you in Leo’s office,” she told them. Josh glanced at Sam, who shrugged. “As soon as possible, Margaret said.”

“Yeah, okay, we’re going.”

“CJ, too,” she added.

The four of them headed to Leo’s office, Josh and Sam holding hands. He didn’t even care that people were looking. What were they going to do, out them? Despite the backbreaking nature of the entire situation, Josh felt like he was walking on clouds. He felt like he could take on the world as long as Sam was by his side (and with CJ for backup, of course).

Bartlet, Toby, and Leo erupted into applause when they entered the room. Sam’s cheeks flushed, and he grinned. Josh caught himself staring before Leo patted him on the back and hugged him briefly but so tightly that Josh lost his breath for a second. Bartlet was next, and Josh didn’t even have time to register that the _President of the United States_ was _hugging_ him before even Toby got involved.

“Okay, now this is weird,” he said.

“Don’t get used to it, kid,” Toby said gruffly, but his eyes betrayed him, and Josh could tell he was more than a little bit emotional. Rather than call him out for it, Josh simply smiled at him and whispered a thank you. Bartlet handed around glasses of whiskey to everyone but Leo, who had water, and lifted his in the air.

“A toast,” he announced, “to Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn, two of the best damn men I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I’m proud to have you on my staff. You’ve done well, boys.” He winked.

“To Josh and Sam,” everyone echoed, and downed their drinks. Bartlet had to leave after that, but the rest of the staff settled in. Josh sat down against one arm of the sofa, and Sam sat next to him. Josh moved his arm from the back of the cushions to rest on Sam’s shoulders, and no one even seemed to notice it. And a little while later, when Sam leaned into Josh’s side, and Josh slipped his arm around Sam’s waist, all that anyone did was glance at them and smile softly. Yeah, he could get used to this.

Sam leaned over and kissed his cheek softly. Josh turned to him.

“Hi,” Sam murmured.

“Hi.” Josh smiled.

“Feeling okay?”

“Fantastic.”

Sam kissed him gently. When they pulled away, Josh glanced at the rest of the group, but they were all immersed in their own conversations. Sam lifted his hand and cupped Josh’s cheek, turning his head to face him.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” Josh squeezed Sam’s waist.

“We’re going to be okay.” Sam smiled. Josh nodded.

They were going to be just fine. He had Sam. As long as he had Sam, he was going to be just fine.

“I love you,” he whispered again, just because he could.

When Sam finally looked away to talk to CJ, Josh kept staring at him. His eyes scanned over Sam’s features, his smile, his bright, strikingly blue eyes. Sam’s soft laugh sent a surge of warmth through Josh’s chest.

Josh had doubted himself his entire life. He had doubted his brain, his emotions, his academic and career choices. He had been overwhelmed with the desire to make his parents proud of him, to convince his father that he hadn’t made a mistake by choosing to go into politics. He had pushed back his feelings for men, shoving them into the darkest corners of his brain. He had been chased by dark thoughts, by whispers of _faggot_ and _fairy_ and _queer_. He had hated himself for years because of it, because it was dirty and shameful and _wrong_.

But then there was Sam. Sam, who was bright and happy and passionate and smart and quick-witted and funny and beautiful. Sam, who loved Josh, who somehow dealt with all of the baggage that Josh carried with him, who cared for Josh unconditionally, who accepted Josh even before he fully accepted himself. Who Josh had fallen in love with faster and more easily than he had ever thought could be possible. And Josh didn’t see how falling in love with Sam Seaborn could be wrong.

He had doubted himself his entire life. But sitting there in Leo’s office, Sam pressed into his side, Sam’s soft laughter in his ear, he had never been surer of anything than he was of the fact that he was in love with Sam, and it was the greatest thing he had ever done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.... that's the end of the actual story (the next chapter will be the epilogue). idk how i feel about finally finishing this thing up but thank you to everyone who's stuck with it and read and commented on every chapter i really appreciate it so much x


	9. epilogue

“How’s the speech going?” Josh asked, leaning halfway into the bedroom. Sam looked up from his laptop, his fingers paused over the keys. He was sitting up in bed with three pillows stacked between his back and the headboard. Truman and Norris were curled up on either side of his legs, sleeping peacefully.

“It’s going. I’m getting there, I think.” Sam took his glasses off and wiped them on his t-shirt before putting them back on. Josh walked over to the bed and leaned down to press a kiss to his temple, brushing his hair back.

“Move over,” he requested. Sam obliged, picking up Norris to move him out of Josh’s way. Josh sat next to him and took the laptop from his hands. He skimmed through the speech. As Josh read, Sam scratched behind Truman’s ears with one hand and brushed down Norris’ back with the other. Once he was finished, Josh looked over at Sam and kissed his cheek lightly. Norris hissed quietly at him, and Josh glared at the cat. “Why do your cats hate me so much?”

“They know you don’t like them.” Sam lifted Norris up and kissed the top of his head. Norris purred happily, then opened his eyes, and Josh could have sworn the thing was _glaring_ at him. “You should be nicer to them. They can sense that you hate them.”

“I don’t hate them,” Josh protested.

“You wanted to get a dog.”

He shrugged. “So?”

“They know.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not being ridiculous.” Sam nuzzled his face into Norris’ fur. Josh couldn’t help but smile at the two of them, even if he was still suffering from one of Truman’s attacks on his arm. He wasn't the biggest fan of the cats (and the feeling was mutual, clearly), but they made Sam happy, so he guessed he could put up with them.

Josh cleared his throat. “Anyway, moving on from you and your cats…” Sam shot him a look, but it no longer fazed Josh. “I know I don’t know the first thing about speech writing, and my opinion holds no weight whatsoever, but I think it’s good.”

“At least you’re aware that you know nothing,” Sam teased, setting Norris down next to Truman before taking the laptop back. “But your opinion does hold weight. I like hearing what you have to say, stupid.” Josh huffed out a quiet laugh. Sam considered the last few lines he had written. “Am I moving too fast on this?”

Josh furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“What if I’m not ready to run?”

The corner of Josh’s mouth quirked up, and he leaned in to kiss Sam. Sam hummed quietly against his lips. Josh pulled away and looked at him with as serious of an expression as he could muster. “You’re being ridiculous again, Sammy.”

“But what if—”

“We’ve talked through this about a million times, sweetheart. You want to run. I want you to run. Bartlet wants you to run, CJ wants you to run, Toby wants you to run… do I need to keep going?”

Sam shook his head, a small smile on his lips. “I just want to be sure that we’re both ready for this.”

“I’ve never known anyone else better suited for running for president, Sam. Or _being_ President, for that matter.”

“You’re just saying that so I stop freaking out about it.”

“No,” Josh said seriously. “I’m really not. You’ve been ready for this since the day you graduated law school. Before that, even. I could have told you the day we met that you were going to run one day. And I’m happy to come along for the ride. Even if you won’t let me run the thing.”

Sam laughed quietly. “I think it’s a conflict of interest for my boyfriend to be running my presidential campaign.”

“I’m the best in the business, though.”

“You are,” Sam agreed, “but I’ll settle for second best. You focus on shaping your first gentleman image.”

Josh made a face. “America already loves me.”

Sam stifled a snort before kissing him, but Josh just glared, refusing to return the kiss. Sam rolled his eyes. “I’m sure they do, babe. You’re very charming.”

“I am.”

“You are.” Sam’s cheeky grin told Josh otherwise, though, and he stuck his tongue out at him. “And so mature, too.”

“You love me.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“You’re gonna be great at this. I know you are.”

Josh covered Sam’s hand with his own, and Sam turned his over to secure their fingers together. Sam lifted their hands and kissed the back of Josh’s lightly.

“I love you.”

Josh smiled. “I love you, too.”

“I’m sorry for being stupid about this.”

“You’re not being stupid,” Josh assured him. “It’s a big deal. And if it turns out that you really don’t want to run, you still have a while before you need to commit. It’s going to be just fine. Trust me.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah.” He pressed a soft kiss to Josh’s lips before returning to writing, his fingers moving rapidly across the keyboard.

Josh sat in silence and watched. He didn’t think he would ever get used to how gorgeous Sam was, especially when he was so deep into his writing. He constantly wondered how he had gotten so lucky, that a man as wonderful as Sam Seaborn had somehow fallen in love with him.

It seemed like every aspect of the last two decades of his life had revolved around Samuel Seaborn. The second he met Sam, a bright, young, fresh out of law school hopeful, that summer in D.C., the tectonic plates inside Josh’s chest had shifted, causing an earthquake of unimaginable magnitude. Josh Lyman’s life could be separated into two distinct portions: Before Sam and After Sam. Before Sam was the fear, the doubt, the constant questioning of himself, the anxiety about making his way through college, of disappointing his parents. Before Sam were the desperate attempts to push his thoughts about men into a box labeled _Do Not Open_ , to hide it away in some dark corner where no one would ever find it. After Sam, the world began to make sense. After Sam, Josh knew who he was. Sam helped him uncover the man who had been hiding inside him for so long that even Josh didn’t know of his existence. Sam dissected him, forced Josh to examine every last piece of himself, then stitched him back up and covered the scars with gentle kisses.

Josh drifted off to the methodic, repetitive sounds of the keyboard clicking, his head resting on Sam’s shoulder. It was about an hour or so later that Sam gently shook him awake. Josh blinked open his eyes and looked up. Sam leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips, and Josh smiled tiredly.

“I’m done with this draft. You awake enough to go out? I need a beer.”

Josh nodded and sat up, covering a yawn with his hand. “Yeah, sure. Let me just change into something not so — well, this.” He gestured down at the Princeton t-shirt and sweats he was wearing. He managed to force himself to leave the warmth of the bed and Sam to make himself presentable.

They got a car to a bar near the National Mall, an old favorite from when they were still White House staffers. Their old spot at the bar was open, and they sat down to order their beers. No longer quite as concerned about being seen together anymore (it was old news now; the few people who cared were the Jesus freaks who constantly reminded them they were going to hell, or the college students who felt the need to voice their support every time they saw either Sam or Josh), Josh let their legs brush against each other between their chairs and didn’t even flinch when Sam slid his hand over his knee. Once they had finished their drinks, one for Josh and two for Sam, Sam suggested a walk through the Mall. Though it was a bit colder than Sam normally liked, he seemed eager, so Josh agreed.

Even through their several layers of clothing, Josh could swear the wind was hitting the skin of his stomach directly. Their bare hands, a contrast to the warm black coats they both wore, were held tightly together between their bodies. Josh refused to wear gloves when they walked together; the fabric prevented him from being able to trace over the familiar veins and warm skin of Sam’s hand. It was particular, sure, but after so long _not_ being able to touch Sam like this, he was going to take as much as he could get for as long as he could — for the rest of their lives, hopefully. Besides, where their hands were clasped together, Josh felt like his skin was burning. Even after several years, Sam’s touch still set him aflame.

He let Sam take the lead, and he guided them towards the Washington Monument, then down the reflecting pool towards the Lincoln Memorial. Josh’s mind flashed back to a similar night, what felt like centuries ago, that they walked this same route together. He glanced towards Sam.

“This is where you first kissed me,” he said softly, corners of his mouth turning upward at the memory.

Sam smiled and nodded. “Yeah. I needed to do something, since you wouldn't pull your head out of your ass and make a move.”

“I asked you out!”

“Barely.”

“Don’t start—”

“I’m not.” He stopped walking and pulled Josh in, kissing him firmly. Josh sighed against Sam’s lips and slid his arms securely around Sam’s waist. Sam pulled away and rested his forehead against Josh’s. “That was a really good night.”

“Mmhmm,” Josh agreed softly. Sam turned towards the water, slipping his hand back into Josh's.

Josh squeezed his hand, and Sam tilted his head towards him, resting it on his shoulder. Josh smiled and leaned his head against Sam’s. They stood quietly for a few moments, each lost in their own thoughts. Josh couldn’t shake the feeling that they were about to hit a major turning point in their lives — Sam running for president, as inevitable as it had been, had always felt like something that would happen in the distant future. That future had approached faster than he ever thought possible. When Sam had nervously told Josh that he thought he was ready to run, Josh hadn’t been the least bit surprised. Of course Sam was going to run for president. And he was going to win. Josh would make sure it happened if it was the last thing he ever did.

“Did you know that only two American presidents have been elected while unmarried?” Sam asked quietly, breaking their silence. Josh glanced down at him. “James Buchanan, who was most definitely gay, and Grover Cleveland, who got married while in office. Americans seem to have something against bachelors.” Josh stayed quiet, unsure of where Sam was going. “So, I’ve been thinking. Statistically speaking, if I’m running for president, being unmarried kinda hurts my chances, doesn’t it?”

Josh’s mind was racing. Sam turned towards him and held both of his hands tightly.

“Sam?” Josh ventured softly, glancing up to meet his eyes.

“Shut up and let me do this, alright?” Sam asked, his smile stretching from ear to ear. Josh felt his heartbeat quicken, and he nodded. “Josh, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I owe everything I’ve done since Bartlet’s campaign to you. Honestly, I have no idea who I would be if I didn’t have you. You were the one who dragged me out of a job where I was never going to be satisfied to help run a longshot campaign in the first place. I didn’t join the campaign because of Bartlet, Josh. I joined because _you_ asked me to. I joined because I believed in you. You were the one who convinced me to stay as a staffer, who pushed me to run for Congress when I was seriously doubting myself. You talked down the press and fought against them when they attacked my sexuality, and you’ve never taken any shit from anyone. You’re the one who keeps pushing me to run for president. You make believe that I can do anything, as long as I have you with me. You inspire me every day to be a better person. I feel like a better person when I’m around you. I like myself more when I’m with you. I don’t want to do anything without you next to me, and I know you would be there for me no matter what…”

“I would,” Josh whispered. Sam leaned in and kissed him softly.

“…but I don’t want to run for president with my boyfriend by my side. I don’t want to run for president without a ring on my finger. I want to run for president with my _husband_ by my side.”

He pulled a small black box out of his pocket and opened it as he dropped down on one knee.

“So, what do you say? Joshua Lyman, will you marry me?”

The tears pooling in Josh’s eyes finally spilled over, and he nodded vigorously, too choked up to manage a _yes_ , but Sam seemed to get the idea. He opened the box and slipped the ring onto Josh’s finger, a simple silver band that fit snugly against his skin. Sam stood up and grabbed Josh, pulling him in and kissing him deeply. Josh brought his hands up, one cupping Sam’s cheek and one holding the back of his neck. Sam wrapped his arms tightly around Josh’s waist, so much that it was almost difficult to breathe, but Josh couldn’t have cared less. He could taste the saltiness of his tears, and maybe Sam’s, in the kiss, and laughed against Sam’s lips. They finally broke away, and he returned Sam’s grin.

“I didn’t hear an answer,” Sam teased softly.

Josh laughed and wiped his eyes. He figured out how to make his voice work, and he nodded again, managing to choke out, “Yes, I’ll marry you, you dumbass.”

“Only you could insult me while I’m proposing to you.” Sam shook his head in disbelief, but there was a fond look in his eyes.

Josh looked down at his left hand. The ring slightly reflected the streetlights above them, glinting in the dim light. It looked like it belonged, somehow welded into his skin, a light pressure and warmth around his finger, and Josh didn’t understand how it had never been there before. He pulled Sam in for another kiss, not knowing what to say.

“I love you,” Sam whispered, his breath warm against Josh's lips as they pulled away.

“I love you too, Sam." Josh cupped his cheek and kissed him again, unable to help himself. "You’re gonna be a damn good President.”

“Wouldn’t be a damn good anything without you.” There was still a grin on Sam’s face, and Josh knew he was never going to get tired of seeing Sam smile. Josh laughed softly and pressed a final kiss to Sam’s lips, then stepped back and took his hand again. He used his free hand to wipe the tears off his cheeks.

“Alright, Seaborn. Let’s go home and plan a presidential campaign.”

“And a wedding.” Sam grinned. Josh nodded.

“And a wedding,” he echoed.

———

Josh had never had any idea how goddamn stressful weddings could be. People always talked about how crazy everything got, but there was no way to prepare for the moment in the middle of planning when you and your fiancé had a stupidly aggressive argument about whether the groomsmen should wear _navy_ or _blue_ ties (not that he could even tell the difference, really) and if the women in the party should also be wearing blue or if they should be designated a different color. For as long as he had known him, Josh had no clue that Sam cared so much about colors. In Josh’s opinion, as long as they managed to actually have the wedding, it was all pretty much the same. Preparing for a presidential campaign and a wedding at the same time made it twice as difficult, and there had been several moments when Josh thought he was going to tear his hair out of his head from stress.

Somehow, thanks to a couple of miracles, everyone made it to the wedding day without ripping each other’s throats out or experiencing a major crisis.

“Will you stand still for ten seconds?” Donna demanded. She tightened her grip on Josh’s tie, and he worried for a second that she was considering choking him.

“Sorry.” Josh forced himself to stop fidgeting, but he still felt like his entire body was vibrating with excitement or nervousness or something else. Donna rolled her eyes good-naturedly and finished tying his tie, then smoothed his collar down.

“There. You’re all set.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t say I’ve never done anything for you.”

“As if I would ever say that anyway.”

“I know. You love me.” She grinned. He hugged her tightly, not sure what to say. There were a million things racing through his mind, so many different ways to thank her for everything she had ever done for him, but he couldn’t manage to articulate any of them. Donna seemed to get the message anyway. She returned his hug, and he felt something damp against his neck.

“Donna?”

She pulled away and wiped her eyes carefully so as not to mess up her mascara. “Sorry. Sorry.”

“No, you’re fine. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. These are happy tears.” She smiled. “I love you, Josh. You’re a pain in the ass, and more often than not, I want to kill you, but I love you. You and Sam are so perfect for each other, and I love you both so much.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. But save it for the reception speech,” Josh teased. “I want to see people cry.” She hit his arm lightly. “I love you, too.”

“You guys deserve this.”

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

“And by the way, is your cousin single?”

It took him a moment to process the question, jarred by the sudden change in subject. “What?”

“I ran into a couple of your family members at the rehearsal dinner, and I was kind of getting some vibes from one of them…” She grinned.

Josh stared at her. “Which one?”

“Hannah, I think?”

“Oh yeah, she’s totally gay.”

“And single?”

He shrugged. “As far as I know.”

“Nice.”

“I swear, if you use my wedding as an opportunity to pick up a girl—”

“Oh, chill out, Joshua. Lighten up and let me live a little.”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re unbearable, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know.”

He hugged her, then pulled away and smoothed out the front of his shirt. “Have you seen everyone else yet?”

“Toby is with Sam, CJ was socializing, and the Bartlets are going to be here in a few minutes. There’s a lot of people out there.”

“We have a lot of friends.” He shrugged. “Well, Sam does. His invitation list was twice the length of mine. I don’t know how he knows so many people that he likes enough to invite to his wedding. I would’ve been fine with just inviting you guys and like three of my family members.”

There was a knock at the door, and they both turned.

“Am I interrupting something?” Bartlet asked, smiling.

Josh shook his head. “Of course not, sir. Come on in.”

He walked in, leaning on his cane, and gave them each a hug. “Donna, always so nice to see you. You look wonderful.”

“You too, sir. Thank you.” She smiled. “I’ll leave you two alone.” She closed the door on the way out. Bartlet and Josh sat down on the sofa next to each other.

“Nervous?”

“No, not at all.” Josh laughed lightly. “Yeah, I’m terrified. I keep thinking that I’m going to forget what I’m going to say, or trip, or drop the ring, or something else ridiculous that ruins the entire wedding. I’ve never been this nervous for something in my entire life. And that’s including all of the election nights I’ve been a part of, too.”

Bartlet patted his shoulder. “Everyone gets nervous on their wedding day. Frankly, I’d be concerned if you _weren’t_ nervous. The day Abbey and I got married, I almost called the whole thing off because I lost the paper I had written my vows on. I ended up not even using it, even after we turned the church upside down looking for it.” Josh patted his pocket to make sure he still had the folded-up piece of paper with his own vows, but he had rehearsed them in front of the mirror so many times that he doubted he would even need it.

“How about you, sir? How are you feeling?”

“I feel great. I’m honored that you and Sam asked me to do this.”

“Of course. We’d rather it be you than anyone else.” They smiled at each other. Josh sighed and looked down at his hands. “I just wish, you know…”

“Leo?”

Josh nodded. He swallowed down the lump that came to his throat. “Yeah. Him and my dad both. I wish they could be here.”

“You know how proud they’d be of you, Josh? They’d be blown away by everything you’ve accomplished.”

“Yeah. I just miss them. It feels kind of weird not having them here. Leo always joked about doing an embarrassing speech when Sam and I finally got married. I wish it could have happened.”

“Wherever he is, I know he’s still looking out for you. A lot of people are gonna tell you things like that, and you don’t have to believe them, but I’m a former president, so you can’t tell me I’m wrong.” There was a slight glint in his eye, and Josh laughed. “And honestly, there’s something special about a wedding day that makes you feel like they’re here even when they’re not. But he wouldn’t want you to waste today being all sad about him. You know he’d hate that.”

Josh smiled and rubbed his eyes, forcing himself not to cry.

Bartlet cleared his throat. “You know, there’s something Leo never told you that he always wished he had.”

“What?” Josh looked at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“He was like you.”

“What?” he repeated.

“Leo. He was…”

Josh’s eyes widened as it sunk in. He felt the tears coming back, threatening to spill over onto his cheeks. He blinked rapidly, trying to keep them in. “Like me? You mean — you mean he was gay?”

Bartlet nodded. “Yes.”

“And he never told me?”

“No.”

“Why — why _not_?” He didn’t want to be angry, but he couldn’t help that the idea that Leo had kept this from him made his chest burn. All those years, the time he spent with Leo as a mentor, Leo as his boss, Leo as his father figure… and he hadn’t bothered to share this with him?

Bartlet sighed and shook his head. “He couldn’t. I think I was the only person who ever knew. I don’t think he even ever told Jenny. He grew up in a different time, Josh. It wasn’t something he wanted people knowing. The war, the AIDs crisis, working in politics… it was a recipe for disaster. He couldn’t tell you. He couldn’t put the responsibility of knowing on your shoulders.”

“You’re saying he only did it for my own good,” Josh said, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“Josh…”

“Sir.”

“Don’t be angry at him.”

Josh dropped his head into his hands, ignoring the warm tears falling down his face. “I’m not. It’s just — he didn’t — we never—”

“I know.” Bartlet placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I know, son.”

“He didn’t tell me,” Josh whispered. “He didn’t tell me.”

“Josh, listen for a moment, okay?” He nodded, still unable to look back up, but Bartlet got the message. “He was so damn proud of you. He would’ve taken on the world to protect you. The day you and Sam came out to us, the moment you left the office, he went on and on about you. How brave you boys are. How many great things you were going to accomplish. How if _anyone_ tried to drag you through the mud for this, he wouldn’t let you take it lying down. He’d go to war for you. He’d have taken a bullet for you, Josh. You meant so much to him. You have everything he never could. He _wanted_ you to have everything he never could. If he could see you today…”

Josh’s shoulders shook as he cried, and Bartlet wrapped an arm around his shoulders and sat there quietly, letting Josh work it out of his system. Once he had recovered some, Josh sat up and sniffled, wiping at his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. I just want you to know that he’s looking out for you, got it? You’ve made him so proud.”

Josh nodded and took a deep breath. “Thank you, sir. For everything. I wouldn’t be here today without you and Leo.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t need to call me _sir_ anymore, huh?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m never going to be able to kick the habit.”

“What are your kids going to think when their father is calling old Uncle Jed _sir_?”

Josh grinned. “They’re going to think, ‘Wow, my Uncle Jed used to be President of the United States,’ sir.”

Bartlet squeezed his shoulder. “Splash some cold water on your face. I should go get ready.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you in a bit, sir.”

“Remember to take deep breaths. We don’t need you passing out in front of all of your guests.” He got up off the couch and exited the room, and Josh was alone.

He took a few deep breaths and stood, looking at himself in the mirror. He placed his hand over his chest, rubbing his fingers over the scar. The metal tucked under his shirt pressed against his palm, and he tugged at the chain around his neck to pull the dog tags out. Tears pricked at his eyes again, and he took another breath. He ran his thumb across the engraved words and numbers.

“I miss you,” he whispered, then added, “I’m sorry,” though he couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why. He was sorry that Leo couldn’t be there, sorry for the way Leo suffered his entire life, sorry that Leo had never had the life that Josh was getting now. As he rubbed his thumb over the metal, he worked on taking slow breaths and keeping his heart rate steady. He murmured a final _thank you_ , just in case somewhere out there, Leo was listening, then tucked the dog tags back into his shirt.

He straightened his tie and smoothed out his shirt, making sure there were no stray threads or strange stains anywhere. As he stared at himself in the mirror, his mind settled on one thing.

_I’m about to marry Sam Seaborn._

The thought brought a grin to his face. He was about to marry the love of his life. It had only taken them more than two decades, half of it consisting of them being complete idiots, dancing around each other because they were so terrified of the other not returning their feelings. Josh still found it hard to believe that he had found someone like Sam, that someone like Sam had fallen in love with him. Whenever he thought about everything they had to go through to get to where they were, he almost started crying. He had been in love with Sam for so goddamn long without even realizing it. From the day they first met, there had been no chance of Josh loving anyone else. It was Sam, only Sam. And they were getting married.

He still didn’t think he believed in soulmates. That view of love seemed too simplistic. But he wasn’t sure how else he was supposed to describe his relationship with Sam. Maybe it had been fate that shoved them together, sent them careening into each other’s lives. Maybe it was just pure dumb luck. But it had been Sam himself who kept pulling Josh back in, over and over again. Josh couldn’t have left Sam if he tried. Sam had held him tightly in his grasp from the moment they met. His stupidly pretty blue eyes and his bright smile and his words and his idealism had captivated Josh in a way that no one else ever had or ever would.

Whatever force had pushed Sam into his life had clearly known what it was doing.

Too soon, there was another knock on the door. He went to answer it. Donna and his mom were standing on the other side. Josh pulled his mom in for a tight hug. She gripped the back of his jacket, resting her head on his shoulder.

“You look so handsome, sweetheart,” she said softly when she pulled away.

“Thanks, Mom. You look wonderful.” He kissed her cheek.

“Ready?” Donna asked.

The anxiety that had been building for the past twenty-four hours finally broke through for real. Josh gulped, suddenly extremely nervous. Donna and Sophia must have noticed his face get pale, because they each grabbed one of his arms. The contact helped tether him back down to earth, and the panic faded.

“Sorry,” he choked out.

“You’re okay,” Donna told him. “You’re gonna be fine, Josh. Sam’s waiting.”

 _Sam._ He closed his eyes for a moment to regain his composure. “Let’s go.”

No wait in his entire life had felt as long as the wait to walk down the aisle. They had agreed that they would walk in with their mothers, Sam first, then Josh. He caught a glimpse of the back of Sam’s head, and his heart jumped. It seemed that the procession was going agonizingly slowly, but suddenly Josh and his mother were next in line, and there were so many people looking at him, but he stared straight ahead. Then there was Sam, and he almost started crying immediately.

Sam was even more gorgeous than should have been humanly possible, in a sharp black tux that framed his shoulders just right and a royal blue bowtie. His clean white shirt hugged his torso perfectly. He was smiling, wide and bright and blinding, and Josh almost passed out. He kept his eyes on Sam’s, ignoring all of the people on either side of the aisle. When they reached the front of the room, he kissed his mom’s cheek, and she hugged him tighter than ever before.

“I love you,” she murmured into his ear.

Josh swallowed hard. “I love you, too.”

Sophia stepped back to take her place, and Josh stepped forward. He and Sam turned towards each other.

“Hey, we look good,” Sam whispered, grinning.

Josh’s cheeks flushed, and he returned Sam’s smile. “Don’t we?”

He could barely hear what Bartlet was saying, too focused on Sam’s pretty blue eyes and bright smile. It seemed like they flew through the entire ceremony, and suddenly Bartlet was saying something about vows. Josh shook his head to clear his thoughts.

“Josh, I believe you wanted to go first?” Bartlet prompted. Josh nodded and took a deep breath.

“Actually, I demanded to go first because I know that nothing I say will be able to follow Sam Seaborn,” he began. The audience laughed at that. Sam’s cheeks went slightly pink, and he rolled his eyes playfully. “And I’m not that great at public speaking in the first place. But I’m gonna give this a shot, anyway.”

Josh cleared his throat. Sam’s gaze was so intense that Josh felt like his face was burning. It was the best feeling in the world.

“Sam, I knew from the moment I met you that there was something special about you. I didn’t know what it was, not back then, but I knew there was _something_. You were smart and funny and witty and the most eloquent writer I had ever met. You still are. Sorry, Toby.” He glanced past Sam to offer an apologetic smile to Toby, who shrugged.

“He was always better than me, anyway,” Toby said, and despite his attempt at seeming stern and emotionless, Josh could hear the slight tremble in his voice. Sam looked back over his shoulder to Toby and mouthed something Josh couldn’t quite make out, but it made Toby smile.

Sam turned back towards Josh, and he continued, “There was something about you that drew me in, made me want to be around you all the time. You just seemed so sure of yourself and your place in this world. I looked up to you. I wanted to be more like you. I think, even way back then, that I knew that you were going to be an important person in my life. But nothing could have prepared me for just how important you were going to be. Before you, I didn’t understand what it meant to be deeply, truly, terrifyingly in love with another person. I didn’t know that I could love another person as much as I love you. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that _this is the one_. It would have saved us a few years." Sam laughed softly, nodding in agreement. "You taught me so much about myself, about who I was and who I could be. I started to like myself more when I was with you. I became a better man because of you, Sam Seaborn. You’re still making me a better man, every day of my life.”

He took the ring Bartlet offered him and reached for Sam’s left hand. Sam smiled, and Josh noticed tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.

“I promise to love you until the day I die, and if there’s something after that, I promise to love you then, too. I promise to be faithful and supportive and loving and not to bother you too much when you won’t stop working until you think your writing is perfect, which for you is never.” Sam laughed softly, and it was the most beautiful sound Josh had ever heard. “Mostly, I promise that I’m going to be there. I’ll stay by your side through everything that life can throw at us, because we’re stronger when we’re together. I love you, Sam Seaborn.”

Sam used his free hand to wipe his cheeks. His left hand was trembling slightly, just barely noticeable, and Josh squeezed it gently. He slipped the ring onto Sam’s finger.

They both looked back to Bartlet, who was failing miserably to hide his own tears. He nodded to Sam, who took a deep, shaky breath.

“Josh Lyman.” Josh grinned. “You’re the most frustrating human being I’ve ever met. You’re stubborn, and cocky, and sarcastic, and obnoxious, and insufferable, and a huge pain in the ass. And I love you. I love that you challenge me. I love that you’re not afraid to argue with me or put me in my place or kick my ass when I need it. I love that you’re so headstrong and so goddamn _smart_ , even though half the time you don’t even realize it. I love the passion you have for everything you do. I love everything about you, even the parts of yourself that you hate. I knew from the start that you were going to be someone who wouldn’t be afraid to call me out on my bullshit and prove me wrong and disagree with me, and it was exactly what I needed. You pushed me to think about the world from new perspectives, to reconsider my thoughts about everything. You pushed me to do new things. Without you, I’d probably still be working in a law firm, miserable, because it’s not what I was meant to be doing with my life. Because of you, I’m about to run for President. Because of you, I found my purpose in life. Every day, I’m more and more thankful that I followed you to New Hampshire. I thought you were insane the day you showed up in New York in the pouring rain, like a terrible cheesy rom-com, to come drag me to work a presidential campaign out of _Nashua_ , of all places.” He glanced at Bartlet, who just smiled.

“But it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Maybe the best decision I’ve ever made, though proposing to you comes pretty close.” Josh shook his head. His cheeks were starting to ache from how widely he was smiling, but he couldn’t stop. He wanted nothing more than to grab Sam and kiss him senseless, but he guessed he could wait one more minute. Sam took a breath. “I don’t know who I would be if you hadn’t come to get me. The only thing I do know is that there is no possible way I would be happier than I am with you. The past two decades of my life has been a constant, frustrating, exhausting adventure, but there is no one I’d rather have by my side than you. I’m so grateful for you and the hurricane you brought into my life. You’ve never let me settle, not once, even though I naively believed, once upon a time, that I could rein you in if I tried hard enough. God was I wrong. You tore up everything I thought I knew and pulled me into this dizzying, crazy world of yours. You’re a natural phenomenon, Josh. You’re a lightning storm. You were the push I needed to move forward. You _keep_ pushing me, lifting me up and shoving me if you have to. You’ve never once doubted me, or if you have, you’ve never shown it. As long as you think I can do something, you have me convinced, too. When you believe in me, I believe in myself. When you’re with me, I feel like I can conquer the world. And I want us to conquer the world _together_.”

He picked up the other ring. Josh held out his hand, and Sam took it, his touch warm and familiar.

“I’m proud of a lot of things in my life, but I’m most proud of loving you. Of being able to call you my friend, then my boyfriend, then my fiancé, and now my husband.” His face brightened even more, and it sent a shiver down Josh’s back. _Husband._ “There aren’t many constants in my life, but I know that I can swear one thing: my love for you is unconditional, and I’m going to love you with everything I have for as long as I possibly can and longer than that. I’m in love with you, Joshua Lyman, and I’m never going to stop being in love with you. I promise.”

Now it was Josh’s turn to wipe the tears off his cheeks. Sam slid the ring onto Josh’s finger, and nothing had ever felt so right.

“By the power vested in me by the state of New Hampshire, I now pronounce you husbands,” Bartlet announced. “Gentlemen, you may kiss the groom.”

Sam and Josh grinned at each other. Josh wrapped his arms around Sam’s waist and pulled him in until their chests were flush against each other. He leaned in, waiting to see Sam’s eyes flutter closed before pressing his lips against Sam’s. Sam hummed and wrapped his arms around Josh’s neck. Josh could distantly hear the guests whistling and cheering, but Sam was the only thing that mattered.

They pulled away, both still smiling like complete idiots.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Mr. and Mr. Seaborn-Lyman!”

Everyone stood and clapped as Josh and Sam turned to face them. Sam squeezed his hand, lacing his fingers through Josh’s. They followed the procession back down the aisle. Sam’s grip was so tight it was cutting off Josh’s circulation. He never wanted Sam to let go.

When they reached the outside of the building, the sunlight almost blinding them, he tugged Sam into him, slipping an arm around his waist, and whispered, “We’re husbands.”

Sam grinned and kissed him firmly. “I love you.”

After an almost agonizingly, in Josh’s opinion, long photo session with the wedding party, they finally were allowed to go to the reception. Josh could barely keep his hands off of Sam once they were in the car, and he sated himself by kissing Sam for as long as he was allowed, until they pulled up to the banquet hall where the reception was being held.

They waited in the hallway outside the room while the rest of the wedding party entered. Everything was still so surreal. Josh was half convinced that he was going to wake up from this dream at some point. But Sam’s hand was still warm in his, and Sam was smiling at him, and it was the most real thing Josh had ever experienced. He leaned in and kissed Sam again. Sam smiled against his lips.

Josh heard Bartlet announce their names again, and they walked into the room to be greeted by everyone cheering and clapping. Normally, Josh would have despised all the attention, but with Sam by his side, he could have stayed there for hours. Bartlet said something about a first dance, and the crowd began to clear away from the dance floor. Sam pulled Josh into the middle of it before turning to face him. The song started, and Josh clasped one hand around Sam’s, the other settling on his waist. Sam’s free hand rested on Josh’s shoulder, and he leaned in to kiss the corner of Josh’s mouth softly. At first, Josh was all too aware of the people watching them from the edges of the floor, many holding up cameras, and he felt anxiety prickling in the back of his mind. Sam seemed to feel him tense up.

“Josh, hey,” he whispered. Josh swallowed hard as he looked down at Sam, who gave him a tiny smile. “I love you.”

The rest of the world disappeared, and all that was left was Sam. Josh pulled him in closer and kissed his cheek. Sam leaned against him, his head on Josh’s shoulder, and Josh closed his eyes. He hummed along quietly to the song. Sam pressed a light kiss against his neck. Josh turned his head to whisper into Sam’s ear.

“Call me cheesy, but I’m so glad I fell in love with you.”

Sam lifted his head. “You’re cheesy.”

“I know.”

“I love it.”

“I know.” Josh smiled, and Sam kissed him.

Falling for Sam Seaborn had been the best thing Josh had ever done. Other people could say that loving their partner was the easiest decision they had ever made — Josh couldn’t say the same. It hadn’t been easy to love Sam. He hadn’t _wanted_ to love Sam. It threw a wrench into his plans, made his life a thousand times harder than it would have been. Loving Sam forced Josh to confront himself, to address his sexuality and his fears and his anxiety. It had forced him to become a new person, but the person Josh had become thanks to loving Sam was the best version of himself he could have ever possibly been. Sam erased his shame, his fear, his doubts. Josh had been ashamed of liking men. He had been ashamed of being gay, of having feelings for his best friend, of not being able to be _normal_. He had been ashamed of himself for who he was. But he could never be ashamed of loving Sam Seaborn.

He got so tired of other people trying to ruin his life, of other people doing everything in their power to bring him down anyway they could. He used to let it get to him. He used to give into the bullies, the bigots, the John Hoynes of the world. He used to believe them that they could tear him down. Then, something had changed. He attributed that to Sam. Sam’s pride, Sam’s passion, Sam’s determination and focus on making the world a better place. Sam’s desire to help people, to use his power and position to do as much good as he could. Sam’s refusal to feel any shame about who he was. The fact that Sam loved him, despite everything, despite his panic attacks and his stubbornness and all of his other issues, all of the things that Josh had once believed made him unlovable. The fact that Sam loved him and told him every day, even when Josh couldn’t manage to say it back. The fact that Sam took his broken pieces and smoothed them out, helped Josh put himself back together again. The fact that Sam was in love with him, full stop.

Josh was crying again. He lowered his head, hiding his face against Sam so none of the cameras would catch the tears on his cheeks. Sam whispered his name, pulling back a little to make eye contact. His eyes were still as bright and young and hopeful as the day Josh had met him. Sam had been right in his vows: there weren’t many constants in their lives. Josh had changed more than he cared to admit, both for better and for worse, over the years. So had Sam. It was impossible to live the lives they had and still be even remotely the same person coming out as they had been going in. But at their cores, they were still the same people who had collided that summer in D.C., when Sam had entered Josh’s life like a hurricane and changed everything. Their lives were anything but constant. He didn’t need consistency; life was more exciting without it. All he needed was Sam, and he had him, and there was a ring around each of their fingers. And Sam was running for President, and he was going to _win_ if it killed them, and Josh was filled with so much pride that his chest ached, but in a way that was completely different from the pain that came with his panic. The warmth and aching that came to his chest when he looked at Sam was something he would never get tired of feeling.

He didn’t know how to put all of his thoughts and emotions into words. He had never been good with that; it was Sam’s area of expertise. But he didn’t need a five-thousand-word speech to explain himself to Sam. Josh was still convinced Sam could read his mind, could understand exactly what he was feeling at all times. He kissed Sam slowly.

“I love you,” he whispered as he pulled away, a thousand different things tied into those three words.

Sam grinned at him, and Josh was falling again, faster and faster, and he never wanted it to end.

_Fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (personally, i like the idea of their first dance being to "can't help falling in love" but honestly there are so many songs that fit them) so...... that's it. that's the end. holy shit. this is only the second time i've ever actually finished an entire story so shoutout to west wing i guess? and thank u so much to every single person who's read this and left kudos and commented i really appreciate you guys so much xx thanks for sticking with this and keeping me motivated to post the whole thing


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